Echo Theo... move back in now... move into a separate room/basement. This usually falls under the category of "separated" if it comes to that.
Seek legal advice.. especially about moving back in. I was about to move out when I read similar advice and decided against it. I told her if she wanted out.. she'd have to move out, file etc.
As it turns out, if I had moved out.. I would be paying the full load on child support. Since I stayed and she moved out on her own, we "fairly" (which is never fair) split the child support.
PHENOMENAL advice you are getting here. There is not a whole lot I can add. I am much more of a "confront/expose" guy, as I believe the first thing one needs to have the "alcoholic" do is get the damned alcohol OUT of the house, but reasonable people come down on both sides of that argument.
I wanted to second what someone else said about the anti-depressants. They really help, and they do take awhile to kick in (2-3 weeks for me), so do that right away. There is NOTHING to be ashamed of there; you are doing what you need to do to be the best dad you can, considering what your wife has done to the family.
I found out this past summer that my 47 year old wife was having an affair with her 29 year old personal trainer. I know how you're feeling, it's like someone took a chainsaw to the middle of your chest, cut your heart out, and threw it on the floor and stomped on it. When I personally witnessed my wife meeting the OM in a parking lot, getting into his truck, and driving off, I had a panic attack and couldn't even drive. IT SUCKS.
But it DOES get better. If you do decide to confront & expose, Harley and Glass have both written good books on this. "Surviving Infidelity" is great.
Yep... second the anti-D's. I hated getting on them, but it helped immensely. Especially with the panic attacks. I couldn't breath for 2-3 days. Once I got to a "good" place, I simply stopped taking them.
One other piece of advice would be to let your boss know you are having some "family" issues. I made the mistake of thinking I could handle everything without help. Needless to say, when I got the second "We need to talk" from my boss and I told him what was going on, he was very supportive and immediately did all he could to shield me from work issues. Don't have to say what, just need to let them know your heart/mind won't be anywhere near focused on work.
You are getting great advice here. The trick is to see what you think will work for your situation, try it, and then if it works great but if it doesn't try changing things again.
I found the confrontational approach worked with my H but it is very hit and miss. I didn't know about DBing when that happened and am not sure what I would have done, if I am totally honest, if I had known then what I know now. So much of the confrontational approach strikes me as down to luck. I was lucky that the A my H was having was coming to a natural end - it wasn't at it's headiest heights when I was told about it. I firmly believe my H told me about the A because he wanted me to help bring it to an end and see off the OW - but it was all such a mess and hindsight is a wonderful thing. Having said that I am now coming up to 18 months post bomb and my M seems to be doing pretty good.
One thing that I have found useful from here, (although I am not always great at doing this), is the 48hr rule. Whenever you want to react strongly to something your spouse has said / done - if you can, wait 48 hrs to respond, so that you don't lash out in anger and you really do mean what you say / do.
And remember, like with children, don't threaten ultimatums unless you are willing to follow through.
Good luck
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Yes, you are getting really, really good advice here. I wish I had come here in the beginning when I first found out about my H's A. But I have learned so much here, have found so much comfort and strength here.
A couple of suggestions/concurrences w/ others' suggestions:
Hold off on the ultimatum for now, though at some point in the future, when you have tried nearly everything else, you may choose to go that route. Read, reread and re-reread DR on Infidelity and The Last Resort Technique. I still reread those sections about every week or so.
I would not tell everyone about your sitch, nor would I contact OM's wife. Do confide in a very good friend, but be sure it is someone you know will support you in whatever you choose. I have lost a few very good friends over this b/c they couldn't deal with (1) what my H did to me (I told them too much), and (2) the fact that I have chosen to try to save my M. Most friends and family will tell you to give up on your M, and get a D. You really need to make sure you are doing what you think is the right thing to do for you, not what others tell you is the right thing to do.
Your kids are #1 - do whatever you can to make them feel loved and safe and secure. And yes, you should move back home - your kids need you there with them through this, and you need to exercise your rights, which you should see a lawyer about.
Don't expect too much from yourself - this is like PTSS (post traumatic shock syndrome). Take care of yourself, and EXERCISE - it really does use up some of that anxiety and nervous energy that makes you feel crazy, at least for a little while. And definitely find some things to DO that make you feel good - this really does make all the difference. I just couldn't shut my mind off, my heart would start beating fast, I would walk around the house crying, pulling my hair - all completely useless and I nearly went crazy. That energy had to get out of me.
Finally, and this is the hardest thing to do, start to imagine your life w/o your W. I know you don't want to, you just want to fix it, but the minute I was able to create a mental picture of myself living w/o my H, I felt calmer and better able to deal with the situation. I realized that my life would not be over if my H chose OW over me, that I would survive, though it wouldn't be my first choice. I truly believe that's the secret to PMA, creating pictures in your mind of yourself succeeding and of surviving and one day being happy again.
I am so sorry for your pain, but you are among friends here. You should feel safe saying anything you want to say, asking any questions you have and venting as much as you need to. I cannot begin to express how much of a difference it's made for me.
FA
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
Thanks to all of you and your advice, I think I'm going to make it. This Web site has been a God send.
I just need to keep on moving forward. I need to find my happiness within. I'm learning that this will take time and I just have to keep pushing on. W is still seeing OM, but i'm being strong hanging with kids and doing my daily activities. The days seem to go on forever. Patience, patience, patience.
I did get some Anti D and sleeping pills to help. Surviving...
Me 44 W 44 D 15, S12 Bomb 12/29/07 OM is a neighbor Still contacting each other
