So the counting is officially done. Needed to start a new thread.
Update.. W called off work yesterday. She has strep throat and was feeling like hell. She asked if I could take D5 to kindergarten. W has a bad habit of keeping everyone home when she is sick. I was working from home and thinking of the D's being home all day with sick mom prompted me to recommend that W take D's to school in the morning. I'd be happy to take D5 to kindergarten as well as pick her and D3 up and bring them back to W's. She was very appreciative. I know it sounds like another "nice guy" fallback, but I did it of my own volition. Not as a request from her.
So.. get D's back to W's and noticed a note on her calendar. It was lawyer notes.. something about gambling debt. Now.. we are "supposedly" talking about the separation agreement. We've not talked about it, so I decided to ask what that was about. She of course got mad that I was reading her "stuff" but it was out in the open in the kitchen.
Long story short, evidently her L thinks I have a gambling problem. Can't understand why there are financial issues when I make as much as I do.. it's called being too nice and being married to someone who took full advantage.
Anyway.. she also said "well.. you're hiding stuff from me anyway.." This prompted some talk. She basically said I was not opening up to her.. even with everyday talk. I let her finish her little rant and said "Do you mind if I respond?" Basically told her that up until Xmas day I was opening up to her.. telling her how I felt, what I wanted, being nice etc. She responded by using me and taking advantage of me. Not to mention the Xmas day "shower event" which I told her was crap and it better never happen again. She wouldn't look at me. I told her she was shoving OM in my face.. bringing him to the house and expecting that he may come in (reiterated that he is not welcome in MY house), told her how I was excited about spending time with her and D's at pool party only to be crapped on by her inviting OM. She said I knew her and she wouldn't hurt me intentionally.. I responded "Well.. you are.. I'm standing right here telling you you are.. you are hurting me." Of course the standard "Well.. you hurt me..." I said "You know what.. fine.. I've heard that a million times. I've apologized and I'm ready to move past it... I'm through being the nice guy.. no more using me.. no more taking advantage of me. It's obvious you're no longer interested in me, so why should I be interested in you." I also told her that I believed her mother was pushing her.. that we were showing signs of life until I had a conversation with her mother and then it ceased. She didn't deny. I told her I didn't hate or dislike her, but I was no longer interested. She replied "Well.. you say that, but how do I know you're not telling everybody else something different." I countered with "What about you? I wonder the same things.. the people at school look at my like a dirt bag.. your Dad and Stepmom (not the close ones) haven't even called me.. what about what you've told them?" She again wouldn't look at me.. all she would say is "I haven't told them anything in a while". I told her 08 was going to be different.. it was going to be a good year. She agreed and said "07 was a good year too.." I said "Maybe for you.. anytime I lose my family, that's a bad year." She said "You didn't lose your family.. the girls.." I said "Will they be there when I go home tonight? Will you? No... I've lost my family". Again.. wouldn't look at me.
There were a few other little things, but I can't remember them.
I've been VERY detached lately.. no contact initiation with her.. not been thinking of her as much.. I've been getting spun up on getting out and GAL. Not sure what good the convo did, but I'm happy with it. She did text me on the way home thanking me for picking up the D's. It was very much appreciated. Other than that, no word from her.
I also told her that if she was going to continue to let her mother rule her life, that it was her problem. We talked about the counseling.. I'm curious to see how that goes. It's a win-win really. If mom goes with her, the counselor should easily spot that issue. Mom making the appt had to make some great points I'm sure.
Anywho.. been keeping busy and having fun. I'm becoming more and more OK with being "single". Being detached is very liberating. I've been here before, but haven't been able to keep it for long. I've gotten sucked back into the hell hole. My resolution for this year is to not get sucked back in. So far so good!!
Wow Jar, good to hear the detachment is starting to stick. I need to have one of those "no more mr. nice guy" talks with my wife. Or just pull it out from under her.
I agree with the feeling of losing the family but of course in her mind the family is still there and will, of course, get through this with no lingering issues.
AND great comment about the shower incident. She needed to hear it.
Latest Thread
Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
I think her mother has had some positive influence though. I've noticed that OM hardly spends the night or W and kids rarely spend the night over there. I believe mom put her up to that. I'm guessing she threatened her. I got my girls Ohio State cheerleading uniforms for the game and need to get a turtleneck or long sleeve T-shirt for them and asked what the best way to get it to her over the weekend would be.. she stated "We aren't spending the night anywhere.. we'll be here."
I'm just starting the "No more Mr. Nice Guy" journey. I ordered the book (should be here any day) and I'm anxious to rid myself of that issue. It's an issue I've had since my early youth/teens.
I think her mother has had some positive influence though. I've noticed that OM hardly spends the night or W and kids rarely spend the night over there. I believe mom put her up to that. I'm guessing she threatened her. I got my girls Ohio State cheerleading uniforms for the game and need to get a turtleneck or long sleeve T-shirt for them and asked what the best way to get it to her over the weekend would be.. she stated "We aren't spending the night anywhere.. we'll be here."
I'm just starting the "No more Mr. Nice Guy" journey. I ordered the book (should be here any day) and I'm anxious to rid myself of that issue. It's an issue I've had since my early youth/teens.
MIL sounds like a perceptive lady. If that came up as a custody issue, her access to the grandkids could be restricted as well. No matter what the motive, the outcome is positive--your W is being more responsible during her time with the kids.
The "No More Mr. Nice Guy" journey will be a good one for you. From what I've read on these boards, the title is a bit deceptive. You'll still be a nice guy, just one who doesn't get taken advantage of.
Agree again on the "nice guy" thing.. what's cool is it will be effective in all the aspects of my life.. with my STBX.. my children, work, friends, etc, etc.
K... so I'm going out with the fellas tonight. Decided to go get my haircut.. get me some new cologne.. (Aqua Digio) some new kicks.. (K-Swiss) and have an outstanding time this evening. I suck at fashion and have no clue how to get back into "the game", but it's a good start.
W left a VM asking about a specific blanket for D3. After an hour or so, I texted that I had it and would drop off on my way out.
Well.. she called at 2:30 and said to give her a call.. blew it off. Next thing I know.. she's at my door. Now.. the house needs to be cleaned.. I just changed into my "jammies" to go get showered up etc. Not the best time for her to show up.
Made it quick.. she had that "I want to kiss you" look, but I was buzzing around the house getting stuff for her. She saw my shoes and said "Those are butt ugly shoes" I said "Man.. these are K-Swiss!! These are cool!!" She made a derogatory comment to which I ignored. Then she noticed my new cologne.. sprayed it and said "nice" then asked where I was going. No need to lie.. meeting the fellas later.
Ushered her out the door and said I'd call the D's between 6-7. She said she was going grocery shopping and wouldn't be picking up the D's till closer to 6. She made a point of saying "We aren't going to see OM or anything" I played it off.
She left.. called immediately after and said "BTW.. I'm wearing the necklace you and the girls picked out for me. It's beautiful. Thank you."
Crazy Lady!!
At least she saw the "game improving" devices.. she should know now that I'm for real.
Just wanted to give you props for what you said to her. I haven't posted before, but I have been following your posts all along and pulling for you. I have SSM issues with my wife, but your waw sounds nuts. I think you said what needed to be said and whether or not she wises up to what she had in you, she needed to hear it for her own good.
Have fun with the fellas.
PF
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
