I think your counselor only gave you one decent bit of advice -- work on you yourself.
The advice for you to move out was foolish. Legally you are abandoning the family, and if this gets ugly you'll have a tough tough getting back into your kids lives. You shouldn't move out because she is cheating, especially if you have kids. They need a strong decent, moral father at home.
Running, begging, trying to "save the marriage" and flailing and being afraid will only push her closer to him.
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She did not have any remorse, no comfort, nothing
They never do at this stage. She's captive to endorphins, dopamine and adrenaline. When she's with him, she's on a high. It's a biochemical state of the early stages of being in love. She's also probably very numb to you and your marriage. When she's with you, she feels miserable.
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I want to give her time, but she is still contacting the OM. She is in that fog that you guys talk about (17yrs of marriage and 20 yrs together should count for something).And why does she get hold all of the cards?????
Yes, she's in a fog. She doesn't, however, hold all the cards. Only you can give over your power to her. Move back in. It's your home, too. Moving out means you are living in reaction to your wife. You are allowing yourself to become a footnote in her story. Start some hobbies. Take control back of your life. Start excericing.
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I neet to know my next step without killing the marriage or maybe going there. I want to tell her that she needs to stop contacting the OM and to start working on our marriage and to be remorseful/hopefull for me.
Well you can do that. It's an ultimatum. It's brave and true and clear. At this stage, it might be stupid. She'll probably choose OM. Remember, pressuring her and forcing her hand RIGHT NOW makes you look angry, weak and desperate.
You can choose one of two courses: Divorce Busting, which is to detach, get sanity, and become attractive to your spouse again. Or...high impact ultimatums and blowouts. The second option involes an ultimatum and exposing the affair to the OM's wife.
If you choose option two, you still might want to take a few weeks to back off, release the pressure, and give her space.
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She's caught up in that fog. What can I do? Should I give her the ultimatum????? your family or the OM. and if so and she picks the OM, should she leave the house or what. What about finances, the kids, she's blind (Foggy) right not. I'm lost and confused. I feel liking blowing it wide open and telling the world she wronged us our Family. and I want to tell the om's wife that he is a cheater and is ruining our marriage.
Your biggest enemy is fear. Next to that is Anger
My suggestions:
1. Don't panic. Take a deep breath. This is not solved overnight. Sometimes it takes months, even years to fix this or come to some resolution.
2. Move back in.
3. Talk to a lawyer/just to get information.
4. Give yourself 3 weeks to NOT talk about the affair or the relationship, only if she brings it up. It's OK to do so in counseling. Don't use the counseling sessions as an venue to be mad at her or persuade her to work on the marriage. Let the counselor lead.
5. Give her space, stop pursuing her.
6. Take care of yourself. Start excercizing take up one or two new hobbies to allow your mind to rest from the stress and craziness.
Once you gain your composure and self-confidence you'll make clearer decisions.
7. You don't want to hear this, but the reason your wife is cheating is that your marriage is clearly lacking something. But since you can only work on yourself, view this as a wake up call for your life.
