She started again with the "I do not love you" " we will never work" "I can't force myself to feel something I do not feel" "This past summer was all fake and It just proves to me we will never work out" " I can't LOVE you"
That really stings. It eally Hurts.
I am {trying to{ just let the "words" fall off of me. Again. I tell myself she's confused. She's depressed. Etc...Trying to play it off.
My "friends"?? Tell me "What are you crazy" She is telling you she DOES NOT WANT YOU".. "give her what she wants". "Let her feel what it's like to not have you there. Don't show up every morning to help get the kids ready for school. Don't show up to help with breakfast. Refuse any and all "family dinner" invitations. STOP making it easy for her. Cut her off completely. Let her see what it's really like". "This is what She wants, Give it to her". I can't do that. To me that is changing who I am. That is bieng something I am not.
Am I nuts for continuing to be there No matter what? Letting the hurtfull words bounce off? Hanging onto hope? And continuing to basicly do everything but sleep there? I'm not really sure what to do?
My gut is to just let the dust settle. Do NOT have ANY R talks. Just ride the storm out and give her some space. But Am I really giving her space whan I contunue to "do what I do".
Am I bieng used as a doormat? My feelings bounce back and forth from Just throwing in the towel and giving her exactly what she {says she}wants. Saying Eff' IT...IT's no use.
I am certainly no expert and I have heard all the same things from my stbx, all of it and more. We are seperated 7 months now and all of my friends and family have given me similar advice. The most important thing I have learned is that THEY are going to do what THEY are going to do, you ABSOLUTELY cannot force them and its so true that trying to force anything even if your intentions are pure only pushes them away. My therapist told me something interesting, he said some people and my wife in general doesnt want for me to be there for her, she wants to see that I cannot accept her behavior, she wants to be punished. in some weird way THIS validates my love for her, if she sees me begging or being there whenever she needs me she loses a measure of respect and feels that I dont really LOVE her but I just NEED her. It does not sound logical, but remember, logic is out of the window. You are not only being used, but you are actually reducing your chances of an R, guaranteed. You have to get yourself to a point where you truly WANT her and dont NEED her, and she the same, its at this point things will turn around.
Me: 37, engineer, former Marine Her: 33, HS dropout, retail sales Kids: 3 Daughters 11,9,3 2 Dogs Seperated since Jun07
Your "friends" are telling you the truth. I wouldn't reject "any and all" invitations to family dinners. In fact, this STILL is your family, but you need to not be SO available. Can she get the kids ready in the morning? Is there some reason she can't do it? If she wants you out, show her what it's like to really be OUT... It may be going against the grain of who you are, but it's a decision that SHE made. She WILL respect you for it even if her initial reaction is COMPLETE ANGER.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Whell seeing I just found O/M's phone numbers in her cell phone from this weekend, I really don't know whats going to happen the next few days. Even the next few hours.
I am Soooo STEAMING MAD right now.. Every ounce of me says Eff' this, I'm out, Done. You wanted it, You got it.
Well Mike, apparently she's having an A, does that surprise you? I think you knew it all along. I know I did when my W was telling me "I don't love you anymore". So what do you do now? OK, you can blow and carry on like a madman, it's certainly understandable, or you can decide to win back your W. Now you know for sure what you are dealing with, and no, it's not a pretty thing. The first thing you do is start to respect, yes respect, what your W is telling you, she wants you out of her face. That means backing off like everyone is telling you to do, it means GAL'ing and getting a life together for yourself, make yourself the man she will want to be with. Apparently, the man servant bit just isn't doing it for her (trust me on this because I was you!). If something isn't working, then stop doing it and try something else. I don't mean you should be vindictive but just change course a bit here. I know it's Hell, I've been there. So, have your tears, beat the hell out of a pillow, and then get back to work, you've got a M to win back! Don't screw things up by having an emotional meltdown and saying things you can't take back, if you don't want the M then no problem, you won't want it a month down the road either, so what's the rush to act here. Give yourself time to think about what you want before taking any action that could sink the ship.
OK. First take a deep breath. I know that stabbed in the gut feeling you have.
It's time for you to go dark. Anger directed towards her is only going to reinforce the decision she's made. You want to yell? Come here and yell at me.
It's time for her to put on her big-girl panties and live with her decisions. She can NO LONGER have her cake and eat it to.
You are NOT available for the rest of this week. Go dark! Do it now!
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
This is nothing new. this is the same jerk I had to win her back from last spring. She was two steps away from moving in with him, with our kids too. She came back to me. Ended it with him. Supposedly. He won't go AWAY... SHE keeps calling him. Is he some kind of confidante? is he friggin stoopid to think it didn't work before, but this time she's mine?{along with my kids} Does he realize he is in the middle of destroying an entire family? are they having another affair? or is he just this guy she crys bleeding heart to...?
Time will tell. I'm not making it worse. I'm out, going dark.
Your wife is the only one who can answer those questions. Some of which you'll never find the answer to.
Be strong Mike!
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Well I told her flat out. I am not comming bye to help anymore. I will come every weds and every other weekend to be with the kids. I took her cell phone away. I will not provide a phone so she can talk to O/M no matter how "harmless" she plays it off to be. I also told her I will not be paying for any more of her luxuries.ANY of them... I will continue to provide food, shelter, all the nessesary things for HER and the kids, but Her luxuries are completely out of the question. I will take 1/2 of her paycheck and what she does with the rest is up to her.{I am the primary breadwinner, She is the out of controll spender}.
I will not be comming for breakfast every morning. I am gone... You want a separation You got it, A REAL SEPARATION....
She's pissed. threatening lawyers. I told her "this is what you want" not ME. Not the kids. YOU and OYU alone. I'm only giving you what you want. You tell me you don't love me. You tell me you don't want me as a husband. You tell me you don't want me in your life. This is what you will get. All of it.. Call a lawyer if you want and tell them what I am willing to give you {1/2 your paycheck plus ALL expences paid} and see what they say. I'm only giving you what you want and your threatening me for that?
Then It was " how could you do this to your kids"? they will know it is You {me} who does not want to see them. they will know it is You {me} who does not want to come for breakfast.. I told her I am allways a phone call away from whatever my kids need. A bedtime story. A bath. I will be here in a second should a crisis arise. But I not be comming arround AT ALL, otherwise. The bs emails. The bs phone calls. I'm "trying" to avoid them {trying to} This is what she wants, I'm giving it to her All of it. She can see what it's like to be a single mother of two. Maybe she'll do some thinking.
I'm still kinda bs over the whole O/M phone calls. She has an excuse for them all. But to me there is NO difference between "harmless" phone calls and A full blown afair.
I've realized for the past year I have been trying to fix what I have no controll over anyways. HER decisions and HER actions.
I am staying in my basement condo untill the smoke clears and hopefully this is the right thing to do?
Mike, the thing to keep in mind is that you are setting boundaries in a loving fashion, not as revenge. When you say "I'm giving you what you want" that is like saying "now choke on it!" I think you must set boundaries that are comfortable for you and your family. It certainly can't be healthy for you to add the stress of rushing over there every morning to help someone who doesn't want your help! This is for you too! It is important for your kids to know when they will see Dad, keep that in mind. I would set up visitation times that they can depend on. Lastly, be careful of the lawyer threats, don't take them lightly. Legally you have left your family without a separation agreement, that can be a problem. Seek out legal advice as soon as possible just to cover your butt, you don't need any more unpleasant surprises. I think that as you assert your limits in this situation you will feel more empowered. It's terrible to feel like you are helpless and the world is acting on you! You're taking some good steps here, congrats on that.
