Why I am the Way I Am

[MJontheMend]

Where to begin. First off I should offer a disclaimer. No men on this BB should look to this post for advice relevant to their situation.

Okay, my biggest hindsight is 20/20 eye opener since my separation was that I came to a full realization that sex was really not the central problem in my relationship. One difference between my SSM and many others on this BB was that my 2bx and I rarely had awkward sex. It was almost always of at least the "hot monkey" variety. The problem was that I was married to my "f*ckbuddy" not my "lover". My monkey actually deserves some kind of freakin' gold medal for being able to keep a man showing up as a f*ckbuddy for almost 20 years with any kind of frequency (especially if you consider the post-baby bulge years, damn I'm good- lol). There were two semi-conscious reasons why I didn't insist that he be my "lover" rather than my "f*ckbuddy". One reason was that I felt that the fact that we were married should imply the "lover". He was the man I was "allowed" to be "in love with" and vice versa. I didn't understand why I should have to draw a boundary that I felt was implicit in our contract. The other reason was that I've always been a woman who teeters on the line between being the RGLM (peach or lovergirl) and the RGSM (playstation or slut with a heart of gold -lol). While my father was alive, it was easy for me to choose to be more "playstation", not because I was "desperate for affection and seeking it through sex" but because I was really quite non-desperate for affection because I could always get what I needed from dear old Dad. That is why the central crisis in my marriage was manifested in my 2bx's refusal to give me a hug after my father died.

Anyways, I fell out of my marriage all bedraggled bunny and spastic monkey and I was literally shocked to find myself in a world of men who wanted to be my lover. But, like SG once posted, it wasn't really the case that my bunny was weak (Daddy loved me), she was just a bit beat-up because I spent nearly 20 years in a relationship which involved a conspiracy that rendered her invisible. So, back to the subject at hand. I don't date men who manifest as pure wolf. For instance, an older version of BF and I wouldn't mate in the wild. My bunny is definitely strong enough at this point to deal with a guy who "won't cuddle after sex" but she chooses not to for the simple reason that she doesn't have to. There are plenty of men who like to f*ck and "cuddle" too. Lots of former wolfs who have mellowed with age and lots of former puppy dogs who've learned how to growl etc. etc. So when I date I "insist" that a man treat me as well as "dear old Dad" while I am in his company and I "insist" that he offers me the level of "wolfishness" that makes me comfortable following him into sexual alleys and the way I do the work of "insisting" is by manifesting as strong bunny and monkey. I have to do this work because stupid boys won't just treat me well no matter what like dear old Dad. However, what I do not do is send out the lioness to protect the bunny. I do not tie "commitment" to "trust". I insist that a man treats me well and offers me his protection while I am in his company but it's up to him to ask me to commit and my decision will not be based on those factors alone. That is why I say that my current dating "intent" is that I want a "lover" but I was mostly just kidding when I said that I might have actually run off to Gretna Green with my Hazard playing lover GP. My lioness is broke*ss but not quite comatose. She wakes up and swats the children as needed.