New guy, hurting and needing direction

[dazed & hurt]

Not sure how this all works, but started reading the divorce remedy, found the web site and read a few posting. And here I am.
The bottom line is I caught my wife cheating and I know the guy, he is my neighbor. When I first found out I was very angry, confused all of the above, I asked her why why why. She said she did not know and did not want to talk about it. I asked her to stop seeing him until we figured out what we needed to do we have 2 kids they deserve a change. I confronted him on the next morning to leave my family alone. I called for an imediate counsuling session with out church marriage counsolor (emergency session). He talked to the both of us and then ask me to leave the room. They spoke for more than 30/40 minutes and then let me back in. Counselor said that maybe the best thing right now is that we should separate for a while to gather our thoughts, so that we don't hurt the kids by arguing. I am staying at a friends, but it doesn't seem right. our second consuling session, I broke down and said to W that I would forgive her. She did not have any remorse, no comfort, nothing. They both said you have to fix john. She is going to the sessions, but is not giving me any hope. The counselor is telling me to give her time to decide what every she is going to decide about our marriage.

I want to give her time, but she is still contacting the OM. She is in that fog that you guys talk about (17yrs of marriage and 20 yrs together should count for something). And why does she get hold all of the cards?????

So here is my question????I neet to know my next step without killing the marriage or maybe going there. I want to tell her that she needs to stop contacting the OM and to start working on our marriage and to be remorseful/hopefull for me. She's caught up in that fog. What can I do? Should I give her the ultimatum????? your family or the OM. and if so and she picks the OM, should she leave the house or what. What about finances, the kids, she's blind (Foggy) right not. I'm lost and confused. I feel liking blowing it wide open and telling the world she wronged us our Family. and I want to tell the om's wife that he is a cheater and is ruining our marriage.

Please help with any advise on options moving forward. dazed & hurt