The patient's medical history is also important. Melatonin should be avoided in patients with a history of seizures, as it lowers the seizure threshold. It should also be avoided during pregnancy because of its potential to alter pituitary-ovarian function, induce uterine contractions, or cause developmental disorders in the fetus.[8]
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
The "I want my cake and eat it too" is part of my frustration. He keeps saying he doesn't believe in D, and has dawdled on filing for six months now, but won't act like my H and continues to have the PA. I just keep telling myself that he's acting out because of everything going on with him, but it doesn't matter how non-judgmental or supportive of H I am, it's never enough. H has pulled the ILYBINILWY and the "too little, too late" with me, so then why not file? Does H really expect me to be his faithful wife forever while he's out screwing around??? He can't have both. He has to choose.
As for his behavior, it would be great if he was having a good time. If he was just doing what he's always done with working part-time or full-time at whatever catches his fancy that would be fine - he's never been the 9-5 office type and I've always known and accepted that. It's a lot more than that. He's working on becoming an alcoholic and has gotten into some self-mutilation with the encouragement of OW who "was" a razor-blade deliberate-self-harm cutter. The other issue is that he wants a high standard of living and spends a lot of money on clothing and bar stuff. Not to mention that he's gone through phases where he replies to posts on the one-night stand forum of Craig's List (both guys and girls, but mostly guys) with pictures of the welts that he's made on himself and lots of explicit sexual stuff - although he claims he's never met any of them, he's always backed out at the last minute. He hedged about one person though, so not sure what happened with that. And that happened when we were still living together, before the affair, and before I found out he was unhappy, and it's happened again while he's been with OW (although she at least got a pathetically weepy e-mail apology begging her forgiveness).
It's been almost exactly 2 years since he left Baghdad, and I miss the guy that went over there cuz he didn't come back. Instead H got replaced with some insecure, depressed, alcoholic unsuccessful dreamer with a long list of places to see and things to do that he has made zero progress on. I miss the guy who always made me laugh, who was protective and sweet, who loved to cook for me, and who didn't care about money. We were so much happier when we were both completely broke college students.
Plus, to top my night off, going out to dinner with my dad for his birthday ended with an hour long lecture about how I'm letting him screw up my life and that I just need to walk away so I don't have any emotional baggage in the years to come and how divorcing his first wife was the best thing he ever did (he's been married to my mom for 32 years although I can't say necessarily happily for the last 5). I just hope we can leave the topic alone on this vacation because I do not want it ruined.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Once gain, I would venture to say that many of the issues your H. "came back" from Iraq with were already there before he left, and you may not have been with him long enought to let the true colors come out. Cutting himself because someone "encourgaged him to do it"? That's just not normal under any circumstances. It's not like she's "encouraging" him to learn to ski! One night stands on Craig's list "Showing his welts?" You need to really step back and look at this. He may nerver come back from Baghdad or wherever else his head is at. I'm not trying to be cruel, but this behavior is WAY over the edge. You on the other hand are looking at a future, and are in law school! Incongruent! The difference is YOU ARE A SUCCESSFUL DREAMER!
Based on what you're saying, I would not expect his behavior to turn around over night, so you have to live for you right now. You've got great ambitions and obviously have a lot going for you. Like most of us here, you need to get to that point where you can let go. That doesn't mean giving up, it means preapring yourself in case it doesn't work out.
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing.
Maybe your H hasn't filed for D because he isn't completely sure. Or maybe he thinks he can push you to do it...which may relieve some of his guilt. If you are not ready for it then don't do it and don't push him to do it. As much as my H had talked about filing for D, I still wasn't prepared for it when I found out he had. I know it is frustrating being in limbo though. Like I said, only you can decide how long you want to wait. I would also think about what you would do if he did want to come back. What would you require of him? How would you get past all of the damage that has been done? ...Just some things to think about.
As for your dad...he means well and doesn't like seeing you hurting. I don't think you are letting him screw up your life. You are still in school and doing great. You have to do what you want to do...not what other people want you to do or think you should do. No one knows how they would react until they walk in your shoes.
Well, back from So Cal, no word from H about anything.
My brother and his family are doing good. Seeing him and his W and their two girls makes me horribly jealous though. They've had their rough patches, my brother was telling me about the time she nearly ran him over with her car when they were arguing and she tried to leave and he stood in front of her...lol all worked out in the long run since that was nearly 10 years ago I guess. Maybe I'll be there someday.
But I had fun. Went to California Adventureland for New Year's Eve with a friend, saw lots of family and generally had good times.
Got in a minor car accident today. Totally bizarre. I made a left turn on a green arrow to get to the freeway on-ramp, a car pulled out from side street to merge onto the main blvd (even had turn signal on) but then when crossing the two lanes leading to the freeway, he suddenly stopped in the middle of my lane. No one in front of him, I have no idea what he thought he saw or didn't see. I slammed on my brakes but it was pouring rain, I slid and bumped him. Didn't set off my airbags, didn't hear glass break, but pulled over to talk to him. He drove off! Makes me think he either didn't have a license/insurance, was drinking, or had stolen the car. I got the plate number though. The only damage to my car appears to be a bent front license plate luckily, not even a scratch of paint so far as I could tell in the rain. Happy New Year I guess lol.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I really need to vent. H set his myspace to private a long time ago and then deleted me from his friends. Apparently he's changed it to public again and has announced to the world that we're separating: "Let's see. I'm in a big transition point in my life. My wife and I separated this last summer on somewhat amiable terms. I'm living in Davis in a house with four guys and a cat and dating a wonderful girl who I'm spending Christmas and New Year's with in Europe on vacation."
Somewhat amiable terms?????????????? What planet does he live on????? WTF is his problem? He can't even file for D but he can date and sleep with her and spend thousands of dollars on her and start up a business but he can't afford to file for D? I mean, if everything on there was true, his "Occupation: genetics research Income: $45,000 to $60,000" should more than pay for his f'ing D.
I really want to send him a message and tell him to take me off there or something. I hate being on display. Plus I hate him lying to everyone. He's such an ass.
He was last online New Year's Day. I guess that's when he changed it because last time I looked around Christmas it was still private. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Wow, sorry to hear about the accident but glad nothing was messed up and you weren't hurt.
Ok, about the myspace account...don't look at it! I know it is easier said than done. Trust me...been there done that. It doesn't hurt anyone but you. You can't control what he puts on there. Detach. He is living in a fantasy world. ...Just look at the income he put...I thought he was unemployed!
Don't push him to file for D unless you are completely ready for it. I did that and then I was devastated when I found out he had actually done it.
Thanks for the advice. You're right about the fantasy world. He is still unemployed, hasn't had a job since mid-September and even then he wasn't making that much money. I guess it's part of his image crisis along with whitening his teeth and working out like crazy and having Lasik eye surgery done. I really don't get who he is trying to impress, but obviously he's concerned about it.
I don't think I could handle him filing for D, so I guess I just have to bide my time. As much as everything is still crazy and weird, I have to stand up for my beliefs, so I guess I just have to keep working on this detachment thing and hang in there.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Well, had my national guard drill this last weekend. We had a totally insane storm and ended up canceling our FTX, partly because we were figuring we were gonna end up filling sandbags locally.
Saturday night a lot of people didn't see the point to driving home since most of them had power out and the roads had so much water and debris on them. So 7 of us played Dungeons & Dragons in the armory instead. It was a lot of fun, but I haven't played since the last time my H offered to be Dungeon Master and lead a campaign, which was shortly after he got back from his deployment (that barely lasted a month as he quickly got frustrated and annoyed with the whole thing). Anyways, it brought up a lot of memories and has had me doing a lot of thinking.
I kinda want to ask H if he's interested in playing since he seems to have so little that he's doing, but I worry that he'd see it as some desperate attempt to see him or something. Plus I'm not sure when he's getting back from seeing OW and when he's going to military police training since he's switching his MOS from infantry.
The new semester starts today. I'm not ready to go back to school. I have so little motivation right now. I really wish I was done or could take a break, but I'm so close to finishing it would be silly to take time off. I'm only taking 9 units this semester, so it shouldn't be too bad (relatively speaking as it is law school lol).
I really wish I could make it through a week without crying. I keep thinking that it should get easier as time passes, but it's not. Maybe cuz I still can't get past the whole promises thing. H has always been a person who prided himself on his honor. I can't see much of that person in the way H has been acting the last 7 months though.
H posted another blog on MySpace. I haven't read it yet. I made myself log into Final Fantasy XI last night to remove the temptation (in full-screen mode there's no way to access other programs). Although it kept me from looking at it, it certainly hasn't reduced my curiosity. I keep telling myself anything he writes is going to be heavily edited and biased because anyone can read it and he doesn't want to be the bad person in all of this. That doesn't help with my curiosity either though. /sigh
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
