Yes - H has a lot of rebel in him and when directly approached he does this weird sort of dismay/shame/rebel thing that is characteristic of kids with major trauma backgrounds - makes me wonder what all I don't know about his background. H has a great deal of murky depth to plumb and it takes everything to keep the counselor in me in her own corner as counseling your loved ones is a BAD idea.
It is difficult not to become totally indifferent but working on detaching for the last several months has been a good learning experience for me. I have learned that I will not, in fact, expire from lack of constant unyielding effort. I come from a long line of "keep trying" people. Sometimes those of us who are tryers end up "being trying" instead. There is a recent study that shows that people who "give up" on things that are not their forte are actually more successful in the long run - won't go into the scientific aspects of it but it was a real departure from a lot of thoughts on the subject and I'm not entirely convinced of it but I would love to see some more on this topic. I also learned that sometimes stepping back exposes a great deal more than continuing to stand there pointing your finger at the mess and saying, "Look this is a mess."
I am in the process of deciding my next steps and they aren't perfect. I am deciding how to re-engage in my M and what form that will take. It probably has to start with an honest but short dialog. I need to cop to my participation in our nearly one year drought.
I am feeling like I need to say something like, "H I love you and we have a problem. We have not had sex in almost a year. About six or eight months ago I made a decision not to pursue you for sex that you don't want to have and see what would happen. What has happened is that you and I have widened our distance even more. I have told you before that I would like to have sex with you no less than once a week, preferably 3 times. You have repeatedly indicated that if I backed off you would step up to the plate and initiate when you were interested. That hasn't happened. I suspect that there are deeper issues like an emotional or physical or computer affair, pornography addiction, anxiety, emotional sexual issues, depression or something like that. It isn't my place to diagnose, only to partner with you in solving our problem. I need you to get honest about it. I will email you the name of two certified sex therapists in our area whom I hope you will consider seeing. I have a bookcase full of material on sex and marriage that I hope you will consider reading and maybe even discussing with me.
While you are pursuing whatever answers are relevant to you I will stay out of it unless invited and make myself more available to you. I will make myself available to you for sex and affection on a daily basis but I won't participate in half hearted attempts. I will take responsibility for initiating sexual activity of some sort once/week sometime between Friday and Sunday. You have the right to refuse. I have no intention of leaving this marriage but there is a window of opportunity on my wholehearted effort that will eventually close if I find I am the only one trying. If you allow it to close I cannot say what kind of marriage we will have. I don't want to talk this to death and you don't need to say anything but I am willing to answer any questions you have if you are confused about anything. I will know if you have taken in what I have said by what actions you take starting immediately after this conversation. Lack of touch, disinterest and other inaction will be taken as an action.
