New -Devestated and Feeling Hopeless

[fooled again]

Ellis,

Okay, so what I wanted to add was about your H (sorry, I do tend to write quite a bit when I post). He knows what a terrible thing he did to you and your D (he would never admit it right now, maybe not even to himself, but he does know). He hates himself for what he has done (again, would never admit that). He is in the throes of an A that is making him feel like a better person than he believes he is. That OW makes him feel good about himself, so he responds to her. You are reminding him what a terrible person he is, so he avoids you. Get it? This is exactly what my H told me about why it was so hard for him to give up OW (and also why I know there is still a chance she is still in the picture). I'm not saying your H (or my H, for that matter) will ever come back - no one knows for sure when we are DBing (I wish) but the more you tell him he is a bad bad man, the more you push him toward this person who makes him feel good, or at least allows him to forget what a horrible thing he has done.

What if you just concentrate on making yourself the person you always wanted to be - imagine if you had never married, and you could have done anything with your life without worrying how it would affect your H. It's kindof cool really - you get to be whoever you want now. An artist? A chef? An accountant? I fantasize about this now when I am running on the treadmill at the gym, getting stronger physically and mentally. Going back to work will be a big boost in that regard. You get to move on, but if your H stays w/ OW, he will always remember how they got together, that their R came at the cost of making his family suffer - one day it will hit him and he will drag that around with him like a chain around his ankle. I think that's why they say R's w/ an A partner have a really low chance of surviving - too much baggage they can't get rid of.

No contact is good right now since you're still inclined to lash out at him. Don't call or email him except the bare minimum regarding your D6. Set up a SCHEDULE for your D6 to see him until the courts figure out things, not just a "what works for you this week" deal. Stick to the schedule - it will help your D6 have some sense of stability if she knows that on Wed & Thurs she is w/ daddy, etc. And it will help you (1) have a little control over your life ("Sorry, I can't take D6 on your night this week - I have made plans.") and (2) to GAL so that you know which days and nights you have free to get together w/ friends or take a class or go to yoga, or whatever you always wanted to do but never had time for as full time mommy (believe me, I know about this).

But later, after you have had some time to work on yourself and get stronger, a little bit of contact, just so that he sees you are getting on with your life, is kindof a good thing. Many S's start to be curious when we change things about ourselves, act unexpectedly. They think they know everything about us and then we surprise them. Heck, we surprise ourselves! And they especially don't like the notion that their W might be "out there"! Yes, it sounds crazy, but even in the middle of my H's A, he would ask me if I was seeing anyone, he acted jealous if I didn't tell him who I was with if he called and I was out, telling me to have fun on my "date" (sarcastically).

You may not want to do this to lure his attention back to you - you may be done w/ him. I was, but then he started pursuing me, so I started thinking about it again - guess I never really shut that door. I don't know for sure if my H is still lying to me, if he sees or talks to OW (he moved out in Mar/07, not w/ OW but they were talking about buying a condo together). But I'm finding strength in detaching so that when my H has D6 for a few nights, I am living a "single's" life (though not dating, but my H doesn't know this for sure) - I do what I want, go out to dinner or movies w/ friends, go to the gym after work, or eat popcorn for supper and watch trash on TV, and I have no one to answer to. It's kindof like a vacation, but it took me a long time to appreciate it, and even now there are days when all I wish is for us to be together. So I come to these DB boards and read and post and I feel a whole lot better.

It also took me awhile to change my focus from my H to my D6. The "Barbies" comment really hit home with me too. My D6 was confused and hurt, and talking to her and reassuring her was essential, but just playing and going to cool places and really playing up doing "girlie" things together has taken her attention away from the negatives. If your D6 tells you something about your H, even if it bothers you, be grateful - at least she is not locking it up inside, yet (they start doing it so young). Make her feel that she can tell you anything, and I would suggest that you always give her a neutral response. I constantly remind my D6 that I love her and Daddy loves her and that will never, ever change. She will have two homes and Daddy and I will make sure that she is safe and loved and happy, no matter what. I also tell her that I don't know what will happen, that no one knows what will happen in the future, but that I will be the best Mommy I can be for her, that she can tell me anything and I will never get mad at her, and that she should feel that she can tell Daddy anything she wants too. She had once asked me to tell my H something for her, but I told her that she needed to figure out a way to tell him, b/c he loves her too.

Okay that's it, I won't write any more. But thank you for sharing your sitch, b/c it reminds me how far I've come and how I got here. It reminds me that this DBing really does work, yes it's hard, sometimes I feel like I'm failing, but I see myself becoming a better person b/c of it. You will too, you will not fail at this. You may stumble, but that's okay, we all do. And that's why we're all here, to help pick each other up when we stumble and lose our way.

You are in my thoughts.
FA