Kissak, Thanks again for the kind words of encouragement. I feel like everytime I have the urge to give up, there is another sign someone/something/or GOD sends to me to keep pushing me through this as I just feel that he and I are meant to be together in the long run and will have a more open and understanding relationship w/each other as a result. You were my sign tonight, to stick it out and to be patient. I actually do feel really good about that decision, despite what others have been saying.THANK YOU!!! I have always wanted and dreamed about having kids with him and we had previously planned on waiting until we were 30 (which will be really soon for us both). Now that dream is so crushed, and I guess that I will have to wait and be thankful for our dog and 2 cats. I cant imagine how you must feel whenever he has the kids right now as they are so hard to trust while in MLC. I really feel for you and try to keep your guard up/put your foot down when you are uncomfortable with a sitchuation/ set boundries.The kids are the most important! I have also gotten to the point of acting as if he is/was dead (it sounds terrible, but we've been so hurt & rejected by them that we begin to think it would be easier for us to have handled) I felt (and I even told him 3wks after he left me the first time)like he all of a sudden had really died. I couldn't find him for 3wks and he kept hanging up on me or not answering my calls. When I had told him how I felt, he said with a grin, "no, I am still very much alive, and your just acting like a victim", then he handed me the seperation papers he had drawn up 3 days after he left me. I died inside. It was the biggest shock of my life, as we had blue prints drawn up the week before he left me to go build a new home together. Talk about messed up! This evening was pretty fun, I got home from work and came to the boards, then @ 7;00 I went to my friends to watch a college b-ball game(our team won, YEAH) and it felt good to talk to people instead of sitting around All night being lonely. Luckily I do have A LOT of things to do(GAL-which I have always felt I have had no problem with)and lots of friends to visit and a very supportive family system (even his family supports me & my decisions, as they feel he has just lost it). What do you suggest in terms of talking/or not talking to his family about the whole situation. His Mom is so supportive and calls often to check on me. She wants me to go over to their house once a month for dinner. I did this last time for the 4 months he left me before, and everytime we would have dinner-it would be a tear-fest. Not to mention, I feel I have had to spill all of our dirty laundry to them as we were all trying really hard at first to understand why he was leaving. Its hard to be strong in front of them, as I love his family and all the things we have done all together.I do often feel very good after talking to his Mom especially, as she is an angel sent straight from God! Any thoughts? Thanks for the renewed hope your giving me, Tipper
Lisalost, I constantly think about what I am going to say to him next time, and I simply can't come up w/anything. I feel the rejection & pain was too recent to even face him. I hope time will give me more answers. I do know I need to try to be more pleasant/friendly than the last time I saw him. But I don't think he will even initiate contact for a long time, as I have only heard from him that once since he moved out on dec/18th. I guess right now I feel like I will just listen to what he has to say, put a smile on my face, and try to validate some of the things he spews at me. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to deal with his parents who want to see me and check in on me. I don't know if it is a good idea to keep in contact too much with them. I do love them & miss them all, and want to talk with them-but I feel like sometimes I put my foot in my mouth. Thanks, Tipper
Hey Tipper....I know how you feel. My children go to the daycare that my sister in law runs, so I see her and my mom in law occasionally. It is very easy for me to talk them because this is actually my H's step mom, and she has always talked bad about him. His sis too. They think he is being stupid and selfish and they have offered to help me in any way possible, his real mom too. They know the truth if they get it from me. My H only goes to them when he wants something. That is the R they have. They probably didnt even know until today that he left again and that is because he had to call them to invite them to my son's bday party.
I would say you can talk to them as long as you feel comfortable. They are your family and friends too. My MIL told me once that she didnt want to know everything her stepson did so she was quick to stop me from telling her some bad stuff. SO, maybe your inlaws might not want to hear everything. Maybe just visit and tell them you really dont want to talk about your H.
Good luck....keep standing if that is what your heart and Head is tellin you to do.
I am. Its hard, but Im doing it. Im glad you went out and had fun with your friends. That is what I am going to do tomorrow night....no kids. Im better about them going off on the weekends now than I was in the beginning. It gets better.
I also told my H once before that if he left, I would pretend as if he were dead. He was hurt by that comment. But now, I feel as if he is treating me that way. He only calls when it is about the kids or wanting to talk to them. I asked for it though. I didnt know it was goin to be so hard. I had to see him for a few minutes tonight when he dropped the kids off. I will have to see him again on Sat for the party as he will be here early for it and we will have to talk about something.
I do good until I see him.
Take care and do something fun!
Im off to TKD tonight with my son! Hopefully he will be a yellow belt!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Hi Tipper, I'm so sorry for the pain and confusion you are experiencing but you are in the right place.
As far as the friend thing goes, treat him like you would treat a friend that has hurt you like he did. Have you ever been friends with someone who hurt you or was otherwise insensitive? How did you treat that person? I told my H when he told me that he was in love with another woman but wanted to still be "best of friends" that we will never be best of friends outside our marriage but we can be friendly. This blew my H away.
As for your in-laws...talk to them first and tell them that you would love to see them and spend some time with them but that they would have to promise not to ask for or expect disclosure of any details regarding the state of your marriage as it is too painful at this time and that you feel talking about your H to his parents would be blatantly disrespectful to him. Then the ball in in their court.
If you run into him (not over him ) just smile and say hello and keep walking like you would with an acquaintance like the mail guy or bank teller, or a neighbor you don't know well. Hold your head up and don't look back as hard as that will be to do. Remember Lot's wife in the bible that was told not to look back and did and turned into a pillar of salt?
Your H sounds quite egotistical and narcissistic. Anyone who has had multiple failed business attempts and managed to estrange alot of important people in his life has major issues. Any man who could treat you like he did with the seperation agreement, grinning like a halloween pumpkin, is a major rectum.
Thank God you didn't have children with this man as he is very much a teenager himself. Let me ask you, at what age did he begin drinking regularly?
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt. M-42, H-42. M-22yrs, together 27yrs, Sep 5yrs. D-22, S-18 I'm a survivor
Kissak, Thanks for the sound advice on talking with the inlaws. I do really want to see them soon, especially cuz we missed the holidays together. They are truely a good support and I will always consider them family no matter what happens to this M. I will just be more carefull this time around to focus more on me rather than him, as I know we will definetly talk about my situation (how could one not- it is like a horror story, or driving by a bad train wreck as you can't help but watch). My close friend once told me that if my life was a Lifetime movie/soap opera-she would definitely be watching it. I will still stand for this marriage until he goes through with a divorce & my ring is then removed from my hand. I just don't know if he will ever be able to be man enough to come back & want to heal our M. Good luck with seeing your H. Thats cool that you do TKD with your son. My friend and I used to go kickboxing for years and I loved it, and I also teach self defense classes. Take Care, Tipper
trytohard, That is great advice on how to treat my H the next time I run into him,(say hi, be nice, keep walking by)-I love it, as it will communicate my message that I am fine. I think i always confused this before with being overly nice, happy, and peppy to him. Now I see I need to just be satisfied with me and hold my head high cuz I am proud of myself and my decisions. The more I start living that way & with those thoughts , the easier it will be to also feel this way around him. THANK YOU!!! I will make sure not to go too far into things with the inlaws if they have me over soon-but it does feel good to talk/visit with them, so I will be open to seeing them. I hate to say it, but I cried so hard when I read the last part of your reply to me (but I needed to hear it). Its amazing how someone outside looking in, can put into words what I had been thinking about him while he has been in Anger/replay stages of his crisis. Its like I have to admitt to myself that who he is right now is not what I want. We did have 10 truely wonderful years together though, and then our next 3 yrs (while he was going in debt/bancruptcy)have been like hes a total different person & something took over his mind. He had started getting into alcohol when he was about 15(as soon as he could get his hands on it, as alcoholism ran in his family). We drank with our friends throughtout H.S. and college, and we(now just I) still get together with the gang on weekends & have a few drinks. We were kind of party animals while young. For years now, I only have drinks once a week with friends. he used to limit his beer in the first four or so years of our M. But as soon as he went into major debt on a big job, he went balls to the walls with his drinking. He even tried once to get anti- depressants, but gave them up within a few months due to the fact that the mixing of them with his beer was making him sick/major stomach problems. Right now he is very much an Alcoholic. Thanks again for all the help!TIPPER
Ok everyone-I need advise quickly!!! I just got home from work and my H finally had stopped by during the day to take the dog for a walk. He left me a note telling me this (as I previously had asked him to inform me when he does). The note said: "The dog and I had a nice walk. Thank you for allowing these times. I took a few items from the house that I forgot. I hope your mending. Sorry about the run in we had last weekend at the rest./bar, have someone inform me where you will be and I'll avoid you for now, or whatever?". OMG, do I text him back or what? I am shocked he came into my house again so soon, as I didn't think I would hear from him for a long while. I don't really know how to respond or feel right now. I feel like saying "thanks for walking the dog, and that you dont have to worry about trying to avoid me unless that is what you want". I am so confused, I don't know whether to think: he is checking in on me and somewhat apologizing, or if he is accepting that he just really doesn't want to ever be with me again. I have gotten that feeling this time that he really doesnt ever think that we could repair this M. He is being way more kind and pleasent than the first time he left me. It is weird and scarey because I feel he has somewhat matured and realized that he has caused a lot of pain, but simply doesn't have it in him to make-up for it all. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!!! Tipper
Allright, I didn't hear back from anyone and I felt the need to respond to his note. So this is what I text him: "Thank you for taking dog for a walk & for being considerate of my feelings, and I dont think that we need to puposely avoid each other". He text me back right away and said "Cool!". I feel good about the message that I sent him since the last time I saw him I didn't respond very well. Any thoughts??? Tipper
The result of your txt seems ok but I don't know that I would have responded at all as I didn't see a real question. Another thing about your response time, there was no deadline. He didn't know when you saw the note? let him dwell on it for a while. His response seems like he was glad to get off the hook.
Great job, Tipper. As I was reading that is exactly what I thought would be the right thing to say. When you take the high road, you can always be proud of yourself.
) just smile and say hello and keep walking like you would with an acquaintance like the mail guy or bank teller, or a neighbor you don't know well. Hold your head up and don't look back as hard as that will be to do. Remember Lot's wife in the bible that was told not to look back and did and turned into a pillar of salt?