I just want to make it better. . .

[seekpeaceofmind]

I'm sick of going over this stuff in my mind over and over. I hope that putting it out here will help me to stop obsessing and shift my focus. This is my first post and it's really long, so I'm going to break it into more than one post.

My fiasco began last June. After 12 years of M, my H felt more like a housemate than a partner. Fun and intimacy had become a thing of the past. Finally, after he had rejected another of my "advances", I came out with it and asked him what was going on. He said he wasn't "interested" and it was clear from his non-verbals that he was angry with me. Over the next few weeks, resentments that he had saved up over the years started coming out and he became more and more detached. Each complaint that he was specific about I addressed immediately. He said he noticed that I was trying and making changes, but it didn't seem to influence his feelings toward me. He didn't want to do anything, including social activities, together and refused to take any kind of vacation. He was drinking quite a bit (at home) and staying away from bed. He started having insomnia and reading or watching TV all night. When he did sleep, it was on the couch. I was devastated by what was going on and very worried about him. I went to employee assistance for referral. He participated in a couple of those sessions, but didn't react well to it. He was resistant to joint counseling. He said that he had no energy let to give to the marriage.

He claims that he asked me a couple of years to participate in MC and that I had refused. I don't recall that at all - but what really gets to me is that he said that he saw a counselor on his own for a while. I never knew about it! He never told me about any C sessions and never engaged in any discussion with me that would have let me know that he wanted to talk about or work on our M. Those last two years were pretty stressful and I had my own R complaints, but no resolution and - I totally acknowledge - not very good R skills in use. I own up to being impatient, short-tempered and failing to nurture our M. I was having trouble coping with a new job and physical problems also made me unavailable the way I should have been. I got myself under control, mentally and physically, and by spring 07 was doing much better and trying to "reconnect" with H. His attitude was "done trying".