Well, H agrees with the submissive theory

[MJontheMend]

Corri,

I think that I understand what you are saying. I don't think you understand what I am saying. Perhaps, it would be helpful if I were to state that I'm not at all worried about being the HD partner ever again in a relationship. I've learned how to "dig my own well" as you so aptly analogized it. I wouldn't even be using the avoider/pursuer terminology in addressing the topic with you except for the fact that you brought it up by referencing the "Passion Trap" recently and used the "one up"/"one down" terminology. The best analogy I can use is one that I used once before. When I was a little girl I liked chocolate so my Easter candy was gone in about 48 hours. A little girl who lived across the street from me would lure me over to play with her because she hoarded her Easter candy and would dole it out in exchange for boring board game playing. One day I noticed that her candy was looking kind of old and dusty so I was like "Why am I playing these lame*ss boring board games anymore?" and abandoned my playmate. Who was the one up and who was the one down in that relationship? Clearly we were both pursuing something at the expense of developing a true friendship. Of course, it is completely possible that there was no basis for friendship beyond our codependency supplier/addict relationship but we both had "wells to dig" before we could even find out. What I am trying to tell the HDfolk on the BB from my perspective is something like that they should observe how sad it is that their LD spouse is holding onto the chocolate because they are so needy for someone with whom to play board games (this has to be true otherwise they would be gone) before it reaches the point of disgust with dusty old candy and complete abandonment of the board game. Maybe we're saying the same thing.