And sorry to burst your bubble, but we are very happy. And will remain very happy because I am letting myself be...with him...finally.
LFL, I am very happy for you both. Maybe it would be a time to take a quick break from here and go do the things necessary to keep it going. This sentence:
Quote:
And will remain very happy because I am letting myself be...with him...finally.
is about the happiest statement ever uttered on these boards. I truly hope this is long lasting. Good luck.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
What is happening is not the cure for her. It is a honeymoon period. I hope I am wrong. I don't think I am... I'm not saying that to be cocky... just BTDT.
No, it is not a cure. You are correct that it is a honeymoon period. Many long and happy marriages start with a honeymoon. However, any cure that may arise requires that there be a mutual respect for each other. It requires that they assume good intentions on the part of the other. Regardless of the cause, there is much more of these feelings, at least on LFL's side (we haven't been privy to Mr LFL's views) then in quite a long time in LFL's postings. It is not a cure, but it is a step that makes a cure more possible than it was before. For that, I am very happy for her.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
When I get a moment I will answer on my thread. Yep, you have a very valid point here.
LFL,
I'm happy for you but what I see here is anxiety. I think you have a lot of anxiety about the recent turn of events. It is seeping out all over the place. And well you should......What is to make any of this different this time??? Hint - You are a big part of the answer to this.
I am happy for her too. I hope she gets laid til the cows come home, exactly as she wants to be.
That was not my point.
This particular catalyst.... is NOT the beginning point. The only reason I say that is because of LFLs posts regarding her bewilderment of it.
She thought all along she WAS being honest. Now... she says, "I say all the same things"... boom. I get what I want.
In her posts, at least, and that is all I have to go from... she thinks... 'we are happy.'
She's just hit a fear point. In my mind.
When you have something to lose, you fight like he!!.
But what do any of us have to lose? Nothing really. Just our own... sh!t. Maybe money. Like Lou says, he's worked hard all his life to get where he is. He doesn't want BB to screw it up.
But that is his thing. In being so focused on his thing (as LFL is doing), he loses sight that here is actually someone else in the mix, with their own hopes and dreams.
Respect, Balt, IS the key. And if you cannot admit you have lost respect for Other... but are determined to fit them into your version of things.... so you don't lose respect... then what?
Well. You may cheat.
If I lose respect, but I do not state it... I just work really hard at getting someone to make sure they respect me how I want/need to respect... what have you got? Your own version of truth. So. Is it about my respect or theirs? Is there room for both? If so... how?
Maybe... in you being Who You Are... and me being Who I Am... there isn't. Do you have the balls to own it and STOP the manipulation?
Or do you say... look, I think you need this. I certainly need this. Can we find our way?
Sometimes you do that through fantasy.
Sometimes you do that through gift giving.
Sometimes you do that through belly dancing.
Sometimes you do it through story telling and titilating a person.
Who cares? If you can give it... and it doesn't hurt to stretch a bit... maybe suspend belief for a bit... who cares?
Can you get over yourself.... for a time, and NOT make it about you... give to the other person what they need... even if you aren't in it... but can pretend... and for a bit... GIVE them what they want... honestly... not... 'okay... you need this... here I go... (crap azz sex, or crap azz EC)...
When you have something to lose, you fight like he!!.
True but it is still a better place than the fatalism of feeling like you have nothing to lose.
Quote:
But what do any of us have to lose? Nothing really. Just our own... sh!t. Maybe money. Like Lou says, he's worked hard all his life to get where he is. He doesn't want BB to screw it up.
I disagree with this. Some of us have the life that we have built up to lose. It isn't about money. It is about coming home to YOUR HOME and being with YOUR FAMILY that you helped create and nurture through the good times and the bad. I don't need money. I've been homeless and I've been very well off (although well off is infinitely more desirable). I do need the structure that I have helped to build.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
I think that I understand what you are saying. I don't think you understand what I am saying. Perhaps, it would be helpful if I were to state that I'm not at all worried about being the HD partner ever again in a relationship. I've learned how to "dig my own well" as you so aptly analogized it. I wouldn't even be using the avoider/pursuer terminology in addressing the topic with you except for the fact that you brought it up by referencing the "Passion Trap" recently and used the "one up"/"one down" terminology. The best analogy I can use is one that I used once before. When I was a little girl I liked chocolate so my Easter candy was gone in about 48 hours. A little girl who lived across the street from me would lure me over to play with her because she hoarded her Easter candy and would dole it out in exchange for boring board game playing. One day I noticed that her candy was looking kind of old and dusty so I was like "Why am I playing these lame*ss boring board games anymore?" and abandoned my playmate. Who was the one up and who was the one down in that relationship? Clearly we were both pursuing something at the expense of developing a true friendship. Of course, it is completely possible that there was no basis for friendship beyond our codependency supplier/addict relationship but we both had "wells to dig" before we could even find out. What I am trying to tell the HDfolk on the BB from my perspective is something like that they should observe how sad it is that their LD spouse is holding onto the chocolate because they are so needy for someone with whom to play board games (this has to be true otherwise they would be gone) before it reaches the point of disgust with dusty old candy and complete abandonment of the board game. Maybe we're saying the same thing.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I disagree with this. Some of us have the life that we have built up to lose. It isn't about money. It is about coming home to YOUR HOME and being with YOUR FAMILY
No, my friend. The only thing to lose is your illusion. This is your version of things. Your WYSIWYG.
Quote:
I do need the structure that I have helped to build.
You need you. Your WYSIWYG. As GGB is finding... what he thought he wanted... might not be there. He's digging. And he's finding... that it might not be the OP.
When we want the OP to have OUR version of truth... we may be telling MY story truthfully... but we are not telling OUR story truthfully. There is no room for YOU in MY version of things. It HAS to be MY way. For that is MY version.
LFL, I am happy you have been able to jump start your sex life. It does seem that your H isn't submissive...it's more like he's passive, wanting some type of stimulation outside of himself to get going. The idea of your being with another man provides this kind of fuel for him. He bears some responsibility for creating a dynamic where he has starved you to such a vulnerable point, so really, it's almost like a perfect collusion the two of you have formed to get you where you are right now, not simply the case of LFL having a cheater's mindset.
Corri has sounded an alarm bell here because she doesn't want you to have to go through cycle after cycle of the same dynamic. Her heart is in the right place, otherwise, she would not have taekn the energy to take this on. Only you, and you alone, can determine if something has shifted internally for you and H. I like your optimism of " whatever it is, we'll get through it together." The concern is, once the outside stimulation has died down, what then? Who is responsible for what? How will it be approached? And so on.
Over time, don't be surprised if your ideas of relationship and sex change, shift and grow. When I first came on board here, I was very fantasy oriented and found myself stirred up by the chaos in my marriage, although I wasn't aware of how out of hand things really were. We went through a period that was passionate and provocative, which far exceeded the years of sexual dullness, but doesn't come close to matching the steady, loving commitment we now have towards each other. Yet, when I tried to express how our sex life is now, the feeling I got here on the board was one of pity... go figure! So I decided not to discuss it anymore...because I am happy. Remember, as someone, I think Corri, pointed out to IC, that it only what Miss IC thinks that is important, and no one else...I believe he figured this out on his own, a smart learner. You only have to answer to you and your H.
So test things out, talk with your H, let things evolve, and we are truly all rooting for you. Things will develop the way they are meant to in time. Have a great time tonite!
