Do you know about the five love languages? Do you know which is his? Maybe he wants things both ways, and maybe the prospect of actually moving on to divorce and losing you frightens him. If you can show him that you're strong and capable without him, while using his LL to let him know it's ok to give up the OW, maybe you can get out of here with your marriage intact.
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Hi Casey Off the Road now. I agree with Joe and also this can backfire whereas in some form none of us writing can imagine your posts could be used against you.
glad you got to the gym. I visited where I used to live and lifted in my original gym. No Chrome, dirt, lots of Iron. Good stuff.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Do you know about the five love languages? Do you know which is his? Maybe he wants things both ways, and maybe the prospect of actually moving on to divorce and losing you frightens him. If you can show him that you're strong and capable without him, while using his LL to let him know it's ok to give up the OW, maybe you can get out of here with your marriage intact.
Thanks,
Joe
Thanks for replying guys. I have the 5LL and was just showing it to MIL the other night (she was talking about a book she wants both of us to read so I showed her this one plus His Needs, Her Needs). I'll have to double check h's LL but I'm pretty sure it goes like this
1Quality Time 2Physical Touch 3Words of Affirmation 4Acts of Service 5Receiving gifts
Problem is. Quality time. Well...he had thrown himself into his job and was living elsewhere and the nature of his job meant that he would be working when I wasn't so it was hard to plan time together. I would want to plan ahead but he would never commit to that.
Physical touch. Well. He's getting it from somewhere now. Once I realised how serious things were I tried to give him more sex and I've always been touchy feely but I often felt a huge lack of affection and romance from him. It was more about grabbing my a$$ or b00b than a shoulder massage.
I probably didn't appreciate him enough for the work he did in looking after d while I worked away. The thing is though, he would never tell me about the hard times. It was like it was a pride thing to not let on that he was struggling or was lonely.
so...that's that. Joe, when you say 'maybe he wants things both ways', do you mean that he wants to have me and also have a g/f or did you mean something else?
Yeah, I meant maybe he wants you to be there for him without him being faithful to you.
I thought "His Needs, Her Needs" was a good book. My ex-wife didn't like it. I don't think she finished reading it.
Quality time is hard to provide to someone who's never around, but you can make the best of the time you do have with him. Show that you're listening. Use body language, like not crossing your arms across you chest, do make and keep eye contact, that sort of thing.
Physical touch LL isn't just sex. You're the best judge of whether your relationship with him now would allow you to give some casual, non sexual touch. Take his hand and lead him to see something your daughter made at school, something like that.
Remember the part in DR about experiment and see what works. If there are things that aren't working, drop them and try something else.
Keep taking care of yourself, too, gym or no gym, because this is not an easy task. You need to be at your best for yourself and your daughter.
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Yeah, I meant maybe he wants you to be there for him without him being faithful to you.
Yep...I reckong that's it. I suspect even though he loves me, he knows (well we both know) that we can't be together any more. He wants me to be his best friend. I just can't do that at the moment. I hurt. I wish I had men hanging off of me so I could pick someone to spend MY time with and get some of MY needs met (God I could do with a big manly hug and just feeling protected).
Pity party in Oz tonight. Sorry
Went and saw Enchanted tonight with d6. She was desparate to see it but I wasn't keen because of comments that have been made on here about it cutting a bit too close to the bone. They were right...it was hard to watch in places - I'm just glad d didn't realise I was crying.
My H actually asked me before the sep--Is there a way for me to remain committed to the family and not committed to you?
Can you believe that I still didn't realize the PA then? Talk about denial...
If he wants to be friends...well, that is something that I struggled with, too. COG's story talks about how he dug very deep to do that, and it worked for him. I think there are other success stories that have the same theme. I wasn't strong enough to do that, myself. In the end, you have to do what is ok for you--
Read through my latest thread--there are comments there about the Surrendered Wife, and on being the closest friend to your WAS. I think there are other similar stories on the advice for newcomers page...
Let us know how you think you might handle this....we care about you, Casey.
I wish I had men hanging off of me so I could pick someone to spend MY time with and get some of MY needs met (God I could do with a big manly hug and just feeling protected).
You have to be careful about that, since you're not divorced. If you end up divorced, there will be a time when you can go into a new relationship with respect for yourself, your partner, your daughter's legitimate needs from you, etc. Getting yourself mixed up with someone now is probably not going to be best for your long-term interests.
Do you have any girlfriends to spend time with? Any who've been through a separation/divorce themselves? They'd be the best and safest company in "the real world" right now. Maybe your mother is someone you can talk to?
Quote:
Went and saw Enchanted tonight with d6. She was desparate to see it but I wasn't keen because of comments that have been made on here about it cutting a bit too close to the bone. They were right...it was hard to watch in places - I'm just glad d didn't realise I was crying.
I remember taking my kids to see "Because of Winn-Dixie" a few weeks after their mother left. It wasn't easy to watch it, but at least the theater was dark. It takes time to get "re-wired" emotionally, but eventually things like that don't automatically trigger pain and sadness.
Knowing that it won't be so bad later doesn't change how it feels now, but it might help you choose how to express how it feels now.
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Ex tried to discuss in friendly tones. I kept it cold and businesslike. I have no desire to be a friend with that person. I wish her no ill will but only good enough so D is OK. No more.
If it was not for D13 if I did not ever see or hear that person again it would be too soon. I do not blame you.
Doin ab work today?
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
I was bad this morning, I turned my alarm off without realising and slept in so i didn't do any exercise this morning. Gotta get to bed before midnight...jigsaw puzzle is entertaining me at the moment so at least I'm not moping too much.
Joe, the reality is that I'll probably save all my flirting for this site (aren't you people lucky!) and be too chicken to do anything in real life.
Donna, thanks for replying. It's nice to read that people care. Who is COG?
I think I will always love h but just from a distance.
