Just checking in to see how your holiday went and I'm glad it was good. Baby steps, remember. Your wife's signature of "fondly" is actually better than I expected. She has been deeply hurt and must have been so very angry...for so long.... When you fully realize it (not to shame you but to give you momentary insight) then you may see what a positive word she chose.
She WANTS to believe you and that is also why I see her curiosity about where you are, as a good thing, on the whole.
Granted, it sounds distrusting and it is. But at least SHE CARES where you are! Make sense? Also, aside from remorse, you need to remind your wife of what a great h you can be and are. IOW, yes you are sorry and you must jump through the hoops she comes up with, if she's willing, and that'd be great. But you also have to move on in life. What do you offer her as a mate, other than regret about past pain you inflicted upon her? See my point?
Why don't you invite her to join you for bowling, or some short term event? What are the long term plans for the moving situation? Are you going to relocate? How are you going to ensure that you will live near your family, regardless of the marital status? I mean, you want to be near the kids anyway, and how else can you demonstrate your marital commitments?
She hurt for a long time, so it'll take a long time to heal and you have to be much more patient. When you think about it, she was pretty patient with you, wasn't she? Happy New Year and good luck. j-
Hi!,
Thanks for the response. My holiday was wonderful. I cannot say strongly enough how much I loved being home for 7 days with DW and kids. I loved it. I miss the pitter patter of the little feet. Thanks for the perspective on "fondly," I hadn't thought about it that way. I know that I hurt her, and I hate myself for that. I do think her curiosity is good, I really do. What is hard for me, and I know most people here would never have me think about my feelings, is when I hear in her voice the distrust. I want to talk and respond. I have NOT lied to her since it was over. I will never do that again. I know the lying has been the hardest part and the most insulting.
How do I remind her what a great husband I can be/am when I am not around her? Here is what I am thinking.....I want to come home every other weekend and spend four days with her and the kids. I would like to build a friendship and relationship with her. She left on Friday to go to her parents house and I was home all weekend waiting to go to my Dr on Monday. I know this made her uncomfortable so I called her all the time and let her know exactly where I was. I tried to get on the early flight on Monday night, but had no luck. After two plane delays I got in around midnight and found my car battery dead. I called her on Tuesday after I got it fixed and got home. I have the receipt and check to prove it, but I know she doubts me. Let me just say, for those who doubt me here, I want nothing to do with the OW. Every second I was home over xmas just reminded me of what a great wife and mother she is. I called her tonight and it was hard, I could here the insecurity in her voice.
I would gladly invite her to go bowling. I had no reason to go other than having something to do on my own, as the DB counselor suggested. I didn't want to be away from her. I just wanted something to do besides crowd her. I want to do things with her. That is all I have ever wanted is to go through life together, not in parallel.
Regardless of what happens I want to be in her life and the kids life, every day. I will do whatever it takes for me to be in their lives.
What do I offer her? I offer her happiness. I offer her the chance to share her life with someone who will love her like no other. I offer her a full time father for our children who loves our kids more than my own life. I offer her companionship, someone who's last thought at night and first thought in the morning is of her, the love of my life. She is my soulmate, and I am trying to offer the chance to make life's journey, wherever it may lead, together with the person who makes her happy.
I miss being home and with her. I miss my kids. I want so desperately to talk with her. let me tell you about my W:
- My W is beautiful. She has dark brown hair and brown eyes and a smile that lights up the room. - My W is athletic. We love to go running together and have done a half marathon together. We used to run all the time before kids. She has run on her own since the kids. You would NEVER know she has had two kids (first one almost 10.5 lb., and the second almost 10 lb). - My W is very smart. Not only does she have a masters, she has finished the Sunday NYT crossword puzzle. We both love to read - My W has a great laugh and smile. She makes my heart melt from across the room. - My W is the best mom in the whole world. She has invested so much with our kids and they are just as smart as she is. She is there when they cry, she gets them back to sleep at night, and she is there to share their joys.
Why do I tell you all this???? Because I notice these things about my W. Most importantly, I love being around her. I F*&ked up these last years. I know that. I love my W, love her company, love her as a mom, and I want to share in everything we have created together. My life is better with her in it and our kids love it when we are together. I just want a chance to fight for our kids and our marriage together.
I know she will hurt for a long time. There is no moral high ground on hurting though. I say that because I hurt too. I want to overcome this hurt and be the man that she deserves. I want to give her what she wants. I just wish I knew what that was. I can't help loving her. I love my kids. I don't want to waste another second away from her. Not ONE!
