Lo-o-o-ong post; please bear with me here

[still hopeful]

January 3, 2008.

I can hardly believe it's 2008 already. WOW! I look forward to making my life better on all fronts: personally, professionally, recreationally, and bettering myself personally, including spiritually.

NOTES RE: XW INTERACTIONS:

New Years Eve was wonderfully fun. I spent it with XW, D7 and S2 making/eating dinner together, and hanging out playing Guitar Hero III, singing karaoke and drinking (of course). It was a VERY nice time. I was very happy spending the time with all of them having a great time.

New Years Day XW stayed in bed because she drank too much, but she told me the next day it was because she was depressed because she was too drunk on NYE evening to get up early enough to go. This declaration that she was too depressed to get out of bed reminded me of our time together when I would get up both weekend mornings and she would stay in bed 'til noon or 1 PM. Perhaps she was too depressed being married to me? I don't know, but that certainly struck me hard.

Regardless, when she did get up, we took a day trip (which turned into a day/evening trip) to drive up to Tahoe for the children to experience the snow. Nice time again.

HOME FRONTIER:
XW has called me 2 of 3 days this week to bring our D7 with me and have lunch with her. I did so, and that was also a nice time.

I am working to spend time with her when she asks and to also stick to my schedule of being away from home so that I can give her the gift of missing me, if that's at all possible for her.

A positive note: XW seems to really want to spend her time with me and seems to enjoy it. I won't question it. I'll just assume that my feeling is correct.

MY THOUGHTS:
I need to continue working on me and continuing to GAL away from doing activities that include XW. I love being with her, but if she perceives me as pursuing her and/or being the same old XH, my efforts to resurrect my R with her are dead in the water. If you are reading this, wish me well and offer any advice/direction you think would be of help to keep working my way back to my XW without scaring her away.

I know that most of what I am doing is trying to make myself the most attractive 'snack' in the lake in order to get the most desirable (to me) fish in the lake to find me (the snack) alluring, to take me, and to savor me, leaving her wanting more and more. Flipping her attraction triggers ON is my personal goal right now, and then once flipped ON again, it is my responsibility keep them flipped ON!

If I am making this sound like a game, I don't mean to, it's just that I have learned so much about what I didn't know leading up to my D and I am trying to make up for that lost time by keeping myself open to reconciling and to do what I am able to to open XW up to the possibility of reconciling with me.

CLOSING:
I will do the work that I see as necessary to make that more likely, I will work diligently to not take anything personally from her, I will keep myself open to the possibility of reconciling and I will watch patiently while everything unfolds, all the while working to improve myself as a person, a man, a friend, a father and a partner/husband.