OK... so i was doing really well with the whole initiating sex thing. I was feeling comfortable with it and everything, even enjoying it again... then last night, he initiates and I don't know what happened to me, but it was bad.
I felt sick. I did it with as much enthusiasm as i could muster, but afterwards i was back to feeling... i don't even know how to describe it, but it's not good. He didn't seem to notice the difference, so that was good.
I think everytime i initiate, i figure it out in my head, its like i talk myself into it or something and then it goes ok. Or if i think he might, i kinda do the same thing. Figure out what I'm going to do and how, so I'm ready. Last night i had no warning and I guess i kinda freaked out.
Took a minute while he was starting and told him i needed a drink first and got up. Probably bad, but i needed a second and better that than say "oh god, yuck"...
I don't know what's wrong with me and i don't know how to fix it. H was kinda aggressive about it too, which was really weird for him. Not sure what got into either of us...
I feel like everything I've been trying to do over the last month or so was lost in one night.
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
