H came over tonight to see d. He was very pleasant and we talked about how his work is going and what he did over new years and christmas - i initiated the conversation but he was talking freely. He has not done that for a while. We did not talk about the r or divorce or ow. I asked if we were continuing with counselling and he said ok. I know that just because he was pleasant it does not mean he is coming back but it was nice to have him like his old self. Still he continued to tell me how he has to find somewhere new to stay end of feb and trying to make it clear in a subtle way that he does not want to come back. Even though i know he is lying about where he is living and that i think it is with ow - but i said nothing.
Dbing is so hard. All I want to do is beg him but that got me nowhere before. I am looking for an apartment to move into so I can move out of my folks place. I never lived on my own so it would be nice to have space and see my survival instincts kick in. It will be hard being a completely single parent but i will survive. I am starting a new job in a week which is both exciting and depressing. was enjoying being at home with my baby but it will do me some good to be busy. Have not worked for a year but I am sure I will get into the swing of things.
What is weird about dbing is that it feels like he should want to come back if i am falling apart, yet i am suppossed to show him i am fine (even though i am dying inside). what i worry about is if he is shallow enough to think ok she is fine now i can leave!
The other thing i don't know how to do is give him his stuff without causing tension and what about his set of keys???do i ask for them????
He says he wants to continue counselling but does not like counsellor so there is another thing to deal with. do i speak to counsellor alone or do we find a new one (3rd one).
