Short - I thought my h was having an average affair at first, until, like you, I realised the things he said made no sense
Quote:
I started to look more closely at what he was doing, not listening to what he was saying all the time. When I did listen, I realized so much didn't add up. Wasn't rational, wasn't how he would act if he were rational. I thought he was happy, he wasn't.
I believe that my h was losing his sense of self, and a lot of his actions have been to try and establish himelf as an independent person. A
My h exactly...he has even written me emails to say how sorry he was. Lets see one said...I am sorry that I have issues inside of me that I can't deal with. And what else...I have no sense of who I am or who I was...
THEN GET ALONE AND FIND YOU YOU DORK!! Good grief!! It is like, ok so you left ME to go find YOU and guess who I found BUT MYSELF AGAIN---- and where are you H? It is 1 year since you set off to this "NEW FOUND I HAVE TO FIND ME CRAP..." YOU ARE STILL THE SAME if not worse!!!
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
There are books.. they all say the same thing. I do believe that in MLC the reasons are seeded DEEPER then standbys..but to be with somenoe else is to be with someone else......period.
sad. yes. we all want answers. there are none. it hurts, it sucks and it is an affair. PERIOD. NO excuses...
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
I don't have the time at the moment to post all I could about this...lol Suffice it to say, you all realize that they cannot find themselves while they are running about with the OP...and they are in such denial, they don't want to look at themselves, so the OP = distraction.
What Conway wrote rings so true to me now, looking back at my own H and the ow. Even in my lowest emotional moments on earth, I could admit my H affaired down. It was so "in your face" down that it was laughable (if it didn't hurt so much). But my H has said to me that someone else wouldn't expect him to be "better", and I think where he is at in life right now, he's not "better" enough to reconcile with me, so he stays away.
And so it goes. Until they get themselves some real help. Some never do. Some do eventually (hi, yellowrose!).
I've recommended this book (by the wrong name!) before, Surviving Betrayal, by Alice May. Read it. It helped me so very much.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
But my H has said to me that someone else wouldn't expect him to be "better", and I think where he is at in life right now, he's not "better"
It struck me because it holds SO MUCH TRUTH it seems.....H has often said he can be HIMSELF with ow....and he couldn't be that here anymore because of all the expectations...well, I guess the OP may not actually BRING OUT ANYTHING in them...they have no expectations of our spouses, therefore they do not bring out any negatives or any positives ! I always BELIEVED in H, thought he could move mountains...told him so...(maybe expected him to), I believe that I brought encouraged him to grow and be a bette person. I guess he got tired of it...and ow leaves him be, asks nothing, wants 'nothing' for NOW !!!!
Yikes, rambling...have I made my point ?
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
But my H has said to me that someone else wouldn't expect him to be "better", and I think where he is at in life right now, he's not "better"
It struck me because it holds SO MUCH TRUTH it seems.....H has often said he can be HIMSELF with ow....and he couldn't be that here anymore because of all the expectations...well, I guess the OP may not actually BRING OUT ANYTHING in them...they have no expectations of our spouses, therefore they do not bring out any negatives or any positives ! I always BELIEVED in H, thought he could move mountains...told him so...(maybe expected him to), I believe that I brought encouraged him to grow and be a bette person. I guess he got tired of it...and ow leaves him be, asks nothing, wants 'nothing' for NOW !!!!
Yikes, rambling...have I made my point ?
Yes, Cinders.....point made.
I see the same thing in my H. He says he can be himself with the OW also. That makes me sad really. Who was he all these years if he werent himself??
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Not only that Kissak.........;it's their most SIMPLIFIED version of themselves ....no expectations and no goals for themselves....they think that life will remain nice by avoiding any change ....they are scared of change....scared of the unknown, that's why they ran in the first place I think.
It is something only THEY can face when and IF they are ever ready.
Good luck to you ! xxx
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Hi everyone, have only been on these boards for a few months, but what i have read on this thread about MLC is so true for my W. She found her high school boyfriend on the internet about 9 months ago, and thinks that she is hiding everything from everyone. She just turned 50, cut her hair, bought new clothes, and is really living a double life. She is so pleasant around my D20 and S18, and her family, yet when she is home I can tell she is miserable. She is a well respected director of a local church affiliated nursing home, and i am sure that if people found out, her "good" name would be tarnished. OM lives about 100 miles away and they email and text message each other all day. She has "visited" the area where he lives in the guise of going shopping, etc. Lately, especially over the holidays, she was especially grouchy and just plain bitchy, and i suspect it is b/c she didnt have the attention of OM b/c he was spending the time with his W and family. I have found email addresses of the OM's wife, and have found that she was checking out OM's emails on classmates while she was on D20 laptop. Could this be the unraveling of the A? She filed for D in August, and he hasnt kept up his part of the bargain. This guy is a snake and I am sure that he no intentions of leaving his family, and it wouldnt surprise me that he has others in his stable also. I know what sucked my W in at the time they found each other on the internet, he was having major surgery and she was the Mothering type to him. I checked with my L the other day on what is happening with the D, and he told me that he has received nothing from them as to the D. Strange, but he said it could be that the W is scared to go any further, but is also scared to go back. He said that it is unusual this long into the D filing that nothing is progressing. Maybe with all kinds of questions about her lover, she may be beginning to realize this fantasty is just what it is, fantasy. One question I have for all of you with kids young and older. Did you tell them about the affair, or did they find out on their own? I have been struggling with telling them, as it may drive the W away, also they already see the moods and the way the W treats me, and my S already knows his mom is lying when he overheard her telling others that we decided this a few years ago and waited until they were out of high school to seperate. They are already hurting, and i dont want to hurt them further. Any ideas? Thanks.
