Finally detaching after 15 months of hell

[saffie]

My sister once told me that my W is a runner. She'll just keep running so she doesn't need to stop and do some painful inner reflection and analysis. Running both physically and emotionally (she goes out late a lot, and is closed to me and all her family) must be tiring and my sister predicted one day she would simply collapse out of sheer exhaustion. I don't want this to happen, but can definitely see the signs.

drz,

I had to respond to this bit. I was a runner - not an athletic type of runner although I physically ran away by busying myself with things away from home - my hobbies etc. I ran away in my head as well. I read, and read and read and withdrew from the family. I stopped wanting to socialise with 'our' friends and only confided in 'my' friends. I didn't have an A but I didn't feel 'in love' with my H although funnily enough I at no time doubted I loved him and nor have I ever found another man attractive to me in the way my H is.

I was extremely unhappy and yet to many I had a fairly enchanted life. I am a well educated SAH mom of four children, all of whom I wanted to have. I ran/ still run my own part time tax consultancy business. I am financially secure. I was very involved in the community and in charity things. My H is a fair minded, articulate, clever, helpful loving man.

I just couldn't work out why I was so unhappy and miserable. I tried therapy but it took me three attempts to find a therapist I could open up to and who seemed to be able to ask the right questions at the right times. Even after finding him, it was only at the second attempt of restarting therapy that we managed to make some progress. I had to hit rock bottom to find that help. Every day there felt like no reason to get up. I lost weight, (I feel so ashamed that I felt like that / still do some days), I could no longer hide my misery from myself by running away. I didn't want to live anymore.

My therapist is a cognitive therapist and he got me to the stage where I could face my dislike of myself and my misery and he helped me tell my H in an email how wretched I felt and how I wanted my life and my M and my H back. My H took a few days to reply and when he did I found that I had driven him away and he was having an A. Immediately I knew that I really did want my H and he quickly ended the A and recommitted to the M.

It's taken a lot of work and I am still in therapy but i have managed to stop the running, (most of the time). I have learned new ways of dealing with my feelings.

I tell you this as maybe your W needs to hit the bottom and then she will seek help and return to you. It is possible. I wish so much that my H hadn't sought solace elsewhere but I can see why he did and maybe, just maybe that helped kick me up the rear and try that bit harder to sort things out. He thought I no longer loved him - he realised that wasn't the case.

Although it is still hard at times our M is better than it had been in years. i can now tell him when I am low. i can talk to him about anything again. He is my best friend again. we talk about what we are going to do together when all the children have left home - what we will do with our retirement.

Look after yourself, GAL, do whatever you need to do to keep sane, but don't give up until you need to for your own sanity - things can change and when you least expect them to.

Are you a fellow Brit in the UK?