If I have learned anything in all this it is DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL!
To ask is to be denied, to tell just doesn't work. There is an assumption we make when we ask questions. That assumption is that our Hs have an answer and will tell us the truth. Opps. They are not telling us the truth about a lot of things (most of us know that) and they don't know the answers to most of what we ask (like why?). So stop assuming. Accept the fact that they have no clear reasons, don't not have any answers, and telling them anything about themselves is fairly pointless until they are ready to actually listen.
The first thing I found that did work was to tell my H good things about myself (not bad things about him), things I am doing that I enjoy...especially things he always thought I couldn't do. My H always pictured me as not social (something he likes about OW). So now I make a point to tell him about all my new friends and activities.
The second thing I found that worked was to give him credit for doing things he thought he was bad at(or he thought I thought he was bad at). I always handled the bills. Now I let him do part and cheer his progress.
Look for those things your H complained about in you before all this and change them. Look for his self doubts and encourage any steps he makes to change them.
