Hi, I am new here. I stumbled across your website looking for help and I couldn't stop reading. I am 39 and my husband of almost 15 years is 40. We have been together since high school. This past September my husband watched in person the twin towers go down. In October he turned 40 and everything since then has been awful. He told me he wasn't happy that he was bored. Things got worse and we talked about separting. We have an 8 year old son and he has never seen anything but love between his parents. We have both been going for counseling separately and together. Last week everything came out. My husband admitted that he cheated on me once before my son and twice since him. The last one was 2 years ago but she still calls him. She lives in another state, my husband used to travel for business a lot. He said that up until the September tragedy he didn't think anything of it. Now, he started to feel guilty, guestioning his love for me. He told me that if he truly loves me how could he be unfaithful.He says he knows that if he didn't have these affairs we wouldn't be where we are now. He wants to stay and work at the marriage, especially because of our son. It would devestate him if we broke up. I would love to hate my husband but can't. I love him with all my heart it's what I've been doing for most of my life. He told me he told the girl to stop calling, that they never spoke about anything except her day and that he would never give up my son or me for her. He promises he will never do it again. How do I trust again, how do I make all this pain go away? How do we fall in love again? Everything I've ever know to be true has been a lie. We have always had a great marriage, or so I thought. How do we start over?
NIKKINY, My heart really goes out to you! First of all what a horrible thing your H went through! I think a lot of people changed their ways and their way of thinking on that day. Now,as for the A. My H had a brief A with a woman he met out of town when he was on a golf trip. We had been married 32 years at the time! That was the one thing I had thought he could never do to me. But like you,I loved my H so very much and had loved and trusted him for too many years to just throw it away. The PA had only been going on for 4 months when I found out and confronted him. He immediately broke off the A and actually called the OW with me on the extension to tell her that he had never stopped loving me and still loved me and was going to work on our relationship. He did however,communicate with her for a few more months until I called him on that too and it stopped immediately and I have no reason to think he has been in touch with her since (that was 10 months ago and the A ended over a year ago). How did we fix things? How did we "fall in love all over again"? Those are hard to answer. With us,the love had never gone away, we just seemed to "drift apart". We have had lots of talks about what happend and when it happened but we have never been able to pinpoint any one thing. We did stop communicating and that is something that a couple should never let happen. We both made changes in how we did things and how we treated each other. We started back really talking again. It was amazing,we seemed to just all of a sudden remember why we fell in love in the first place. My H was very stressed at work and very depressed and unhappy at the time he started the A. He says that is no excuse,in fact he says there is no excuse for someone to hurt the person they love that way. He did tell me that men have this uncanny knack for separating sex and love and women can't do that. He says the A wasn't about sex and it wasn't about love. In fact he really had no feelings for this woman. He says that he was so depressed that he had no feelings for anything or anybody,not even himself. He says that he thought several times that it wouldn't matter if he lived or died. I was also going through the same thoughts. Time has helped the pain get less and less. I forgave my H but I will never be able to forget the hurt he caused. All I can tell you for sure is that time does heal. I am thinking about the A less often and I very rarely cry when I do think about it. Your H must be willing to completely get this OW out of his life forever. I feel that you cannot stay "friends" with the person you have cheated with if you are serious about fixing your marriage. You cannot work on your marriage if the OW is in your lives in any way! How can you put the A behind you if the OW is still in the picture? I hope that things go better for you. I hope in some small way I have helped you. I have found a lot of really supportive and great friends here. It is a great place to come and "vent",rant,rave or just talk things out. Let us know how things are going for you. Pfroglady
Pfroglady, thank you so much for responding to my posting so quickly. I hope that one day I will also be able to get past this. My H has told me he told the OW to stop calling him and he said all he can do right now is "tell" me that it will never happen again. He said that he never thought he would be this kind of person and he dosen't want to be that person ever again. He says it's no excuse for what he has done but all that time on the road all those years he never felt married. The problem is that because he has done this it has made him doubt his love for me. So,I have no control over the situation. He says he wants to stay and try and make things work. I just feel he should be doing everything he can possibly think of to make it better but he dosen't seem to know how. The good thing is, is that we have a wonderful therapist and my hope is that she will be able to show him the way. I am so glad I found this site. It's comforting to have this kind of support. I'm glad you are having a better time of things and I wish you happiness always. Thanks so much again...NikkiNY
Hi Nikki..... Welcome to the board, you'll find alot of advice and support here..... You do have alot going for you, you are both in counseling and he said you/son come before ow. Having an affair doesn't mean he didn't/doesn't love you.....he made some bad choices and now has to earn back your trust, no matter how long it takes. I live 40 minutes north of NYC and I know several who have gone through incredible amounts of stress since 9/11. A NYPD officer I know left his wife/2 children and the wife recently began cancer treatment, he is telling her that since 9/11 he can't deal with things anymore....I believe he is using that as an excuse....has a girlfriend in the city already. Alot of people experienced stress and fear after the events that day, but it shouldn't be an excuse to leave and start fresh....it should be a time to cling to loved ones and maintain close family ties and hopefully counseling will help your husband to realize that !!
Nikki....I totally agree with Elusive Butterfly. You say you have a good therapist so I'll hope and pray that he/she will help you both. My H said that if a man falls in love with the OW he will go be with her. By his giving her up and staying with you is a sign he loves you and wants to save your marriage. Those of us whose H's give up the OW and work hard to save their marriage are fortunate. There are a lot of women out there whos H's leave and go to the OW. An A is a horrible thing to accept,deal with and live with and both parties have to be willing to work hard to make things work. So Nikki,you hang in there and remember that there a lot of people out here who care and are good listeners and offer some great advice. This is a great place to come when you need a friend to talk to or even to scream and yell and rant and rave !!
Hi Elusive Butterfly and Pfroglady. Thank you both so much for taking the time to read my posting and offer all your support. This has really been helping me. My H is still swearing to me that this will never happen again. I want to beleive him but there is no trust right now. I just came back from my therapist and she told me I will get over this and move on but I have to get tougher with him. He seems to only respond when I put my foot down. Tonight we see the therapist together. This morning my H left for work in good spirits and told me he wants us to be happy again and get on with life, but he still hasn't told me that he loves me. My therapist says he does but he's a child that needs to grow up.I have "babied" him our entire life together. She's right I have. I'm pretty certain he has no feelings for the OW and she hasn't called anymore, well not that I know of at least. I just need to find it in me to get strong and not take anymore of his whining about why he did it and that he's confused about the way he feels. Elusive Butterfly, I have heard so many stories like the one you wrote about. You are right that man used the tragedy as an excuse. That day my H got stuck in the city and I was never more afraid in my life then at that time. He made it home and I hung on to him. Little did I know he was somewhere else. Anyway, coming here has been truly a blessing for me. I have found wonderful people to talk to and I will be sticking around. Hopefully one day I'll get through this and be able to help someone else....NikkiNY
quote: I have found wonderful people to talk to and I will be sticking around. Hopefully one day I'll get through this and be able to help someone else....NikkiNY
That's a great approach Nikki.... That is what I did, got sep and div and SURVIVED it, and I'm back to help others with what I've learned.... You're doing good !!
Hi NikKiny and welcome to friends who understand your fears.
My W cheated on me 14 years ago and I forgave her (or so I thought). Many questions and issues remained unresolved as we 'got on with life' happily (or so I thought). Now my W wants to S because she has been unhappy for years. My word of advice, you cannot move onto to better times without settling the present issues as to why the A occured in the first place. What was OW offering that you wern't? These are the harsh realities but get them sorted now, painful as they will be, in order to have firm foundations on which to build a renewed M relationship with H.
You will find many words of wisdom here from people who have survived worse experiences than me. Keep posting and you will get the support! Take care.
sorry, have to disagree with that.... I don't believe it is about the ow/om, I believe it is about the spouse who cheats or walks away and the issues inside of them that they aren't dealing with properly......there are many reasons people cheat.....but I think it rarely has to do with the ow/om..... and very few are lasting relationships, but they would be if they were the PERFECT person that the spouse was looking for right?
There are a lot of men/women who fall in live with the OM/OW (or at least they "think" they do). These are the ones who walk away from the marriage. Sometimes they realize that the OM/OW isn't what they really wanted and they weren't really in love with them and then want to return home. I figue that the OM/OW starts out being sympathetic to problems,they say they understand,they are so attentive and affectionate and only put their "best foot" forward. They have no idea what the person they are trying to "steal" is really like because they don't have to live with them 24/7 and deal with all their faults. And the person cheating doesn't really know the person they are cheating with for the same reasons. The wife/husband left to deal with the betrayal is the person hurt the most. I agree that the A isn't about the OM/OW it is about something going on in the life of the cheater. No matter how much you love someone you can't stop them from cheating if they are going to. You can't love them enough to make things work out all alone. They have to love you back and be as committed to the marriage as you are. It takes 2 people to make a marriage work. Had my H come to me and told me that he loved this OW, I know he would have left me. Nothing I could have said or done would have stopped him. It wouldn't have mattered that I loved him more than anything in this world or that I was willing to forgive him. I am so fortunate that he had no feelings for this person and he had never lost the love he had for me and we were able to work on what had gone wrong with us. I wish everyone could have the happy outcome I did but everyone's situation is different,everyone has different levels of what they can accept,live with and forgive. I know that some people simply cannot forgive infidelity and some men/women can't stop cheating. Every individual has to decide if they can forgive infidelity and move forward with the spouse or give up and move forward without the spouse. No one can make that decision for you - not even your spouse. If C helps by all means go - go together or go separate - just GO!
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