MLC affairs vs Average Affairs

[angelica]

Kissak

I dont think that H told me his feelings about the OW to be hurtful. At least I dont think so.

Ummm would you do that to someone that you knew still loved you? If he can't see it is hurtful he is an idiot [which is possible]

I asked how she took him talking about me and missing me. She would say that she was glad he told her.

Oh yeah?? That is what he would like - might be what is happening, doesn't mean that she is glad. Would you be in that sitch??

She knows he loves her. I dont have that. So it is harder for me to hear it.

so, let me get this straight. He shuttles back and forth between you and her, but somehow magically she knows that he loves her? So what does she think when he comes back to you?

He did ask once how I was fighting for him. I guess me taking him back every time didnt count. Me saying I still loved him didnt count.

Your h is enjoying this, I believe, in his weird way. He wants to be fougth for? Puhleeese!

but it is sooo hard to not think that I am losing him, by not talking to him. By not keeping that connection with us. I am so afraid that it will push him closer to her if I am out of sight, out of mind. I told him this was the way to get over the OW if he were with me, so Im afraid this is what he thinks if he isnt in contact with me.

Kissak, you stated on another thread that he had been back and forth about 8 times in a year. So what you are doing isn't working. Until you drop the rope they are not interested in us. We don't drop the rope for that reason. We drop the rope that is attaching us, becuase the connection is killing us, stopping us growing and moving forward. At some level they sense that. You cannot TELL them 'I am dropping the rope' because if you need to tell them you haven't done it.

You keep TELLING him things. This is his crisis and he has to sort it. your job is to sort yourself out, and be a person that he will want to come back to. If you feel inferior to the OW you will project that. If you are frightened and needy you will project that also. If you are happy, strong, loving and confident, this will come across.

ALl your actions spell out - neediness. Bworl has told you that this is unattractive.

You have said you are frightened. We have all been there.It is frightening, but it is time to pull on your big girl panties, and join the grown ups. You have to be strong for YOU, for your kids, and yes, for your Husband, who isn't capable right now. Some day he may come out of this, and thank you. But for now, do it for yourself and your children, as an act of great love.

A

And Kissak, please don't tell me it was easy for me because I am so strong. I can only write to you like this because I understand so well how you are feeling.

[kissak]

one of the reasons peole have affairs is to be a rescuer, a shining knight.

Yes....I believe my H thinks he is rescuing his OW. She has so many emotional problems that HE told me she doenst want to deal with. One of her ex BF's is in prison because he abused her and she had a hard time leaving him. He said she comes off as a strong individual, but deep down she is very sensitive and weak.

[kissak]

It is frightening, but it is time to pull on your big girl panties, and join the grown ups. You have to be strong for YOU, for your kids, and yes, for your Husband, who isn't capable right now. Some day he may come out of this, and thank you. But for now, do it for yourself and your children, as an act of great love.

A

And Kissak, please don't tell me it was easy for me because I am so strong. I can only write to you like this because I understand so well how you are feeling.

Thanks for making me smile...about the big girl panties.....I think what all of you are saying IS sinking in. I just have to be reminded.

I know it wasnt easy for you....as I know how you felt at the time you were going through this. I know it will all work out. I KNOW THIS.....I just have to keep reminding myself...

I have to appear strong and independant. I will do that. I do believe he is an idiot however! I also believe he enjoys us fighting over him in his own way. My H is a very nice guy really. He is caring and i dont think he would intentally hurt me, thats why I say he is an idiot....but i could be wrong. I have seen him lie to the OW and it was so believable, he could very well be playing us all!

[MissH]

Kissack,

My H is a very nice guy really. He is caring and i dont think he would intentally hurt me,

MLCers don't set out to intentally hurts us, but unfortunately they will. Nice guys don't have affairs on their wives. You need to separate the old H from the alien. The alien is practically everything opposite from the old spouse.

[a new 2moro]

NC IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO KISSAK!

[kissak]

I have a question on my thread...please read and help!

[JMC]

in the books ive read by jim conway..he says the MLC A alwyas affairs down
I think affairing down has to do with morals of OP..not what they do or make for a living
who would date a M man or woman- would You?
Conway says OP is usually very needy and fills a void like a vacuum in eachother
he says the A are always the same,,they meet at some common place (work)
she is initially pleasing and non demanding but as time goes on all that changes

This is a great thread.

I find so much of this quote to apply to my MLC-WAW. She has affaired down. I have mentioned to her that people who pursue married people are not good people, but as I now know when our spouses are in MLC common sense does not apply.

I have heard about Conway's books and may now have to get a copy.

[short1]

At first I did think it was an average affair. I did file for divorce as my H kept saying he wanted one. As much as I thought his OW was nuts, she is another musician and I thought well maybe that works for him. It wasn't until he began to drag his feet on the divorce he wanted that I began to rethink things.

I started to look more closely at what he was doing, not listening to what he was saying all the time. When I did listen, I realized so much didn't add up. Wasn't rational, wasn't how he would act if he were rational. I thought he was happy, he wasn't. I thought he knew what he wanted, he doesn't. I also realized a lot of what he was doing was watching what I was doing..that's when I decided to change my behavior.

I still don't know how all this will end up. I do know I will be okay either way. Before I thought either way was horrible..him gone or him staying. Now I know I can live with either the affair having happened and us staying together or alone.

[angelica]

Short - I thought my h was having an average affair at first, until, like you, I realised the things he said made no sense

I started to look more closely at what he was doing, not listening to what he was saying all the time. When I did listen, I realized so much didn't add up. Wasn't rational, wasn't how he would act if he were rational. I thought he was happy, he wasn't.

But one thing I have learned is that some what they are saying makes a sort of sense - it gives a clue to what they are feeling. And there is also a chunk of projection, when what THEY are feeling they project on to us. I believe that my h was losing his sense of self, and a lot of his actions have been to try and establish himelf as an independent person. I have always been independent, and he has tended in times of stress, to become needy. This time he took his neediness to someone else. He would then say things like 'I am only valued by my children as your husband, not for myself's' Typical MLC pity party, but also with that inner core of truth . . .

A

[inmyplace]

short1 said:

I do know I will be okay either way

And that is the key. To be ok...really ok.

IMP