I'm waiting for Healing the Hurt in your Marriage and hoping that will help. I have a lot of the same questions - if my H does at some point say that he's here to stay, all the stuff that I've been ignoring will need to be dealt with.
I'm not sure if there's any point in doing it in counselling - perhaps you need the person who caused the pain to hear it before it can be let go?
I have moments when I think I could really consider a renewed M to be an entirely new M, and then I can feel all that pain and anger just go away. Then I struggle with just 'letting him off the hook', then I think that he has actually suffered quite a bit too over the years, and if he has learned from it, then me continuing to bring it up isn't helpful or needed.
The fear of it happening again - for me that's the big one. Perhaps if we really learn through this process to value ourselves and trust our ability to be happy and functional (not really the word I'm looking for, but as close as I can get right now), we can also let go of the fear, having learned that we are okay alone. Maybe I won't ever get there unless my H moves out?
