"If only you did every little thing the way I want, then I could feel secure/love you fully/have sex/show affection" is GARBAGE and not workable and also not true. Whatever you do, it will never be "right" or enough.
Thats exactly how I feel.. It doenst matter what hoops I jusp through, there will always be *something* I should have said, should have done, didnt do right.. etc... Like the last time we had sex, on Christmas day. I had spent Friday evening on the couch with her (fighting because 2 weeks prior she said she wanted to visit her dad on her time off and she was mad because I didnt read her clue that she wanted me to invite myself to go. I assumed that "I want to go visit my dad on my time off" to mean *I*- silly me...), all day saturday, we went to my parents on Sunday. Stayed on the couch together all day Monday, then on tuesday I started kissing her and fianlly got somewhere. We had sex, a few minutes later I got up and went to the couch and asked if she wanted to go see a movie. She said no, that i could, she didnt mind. She waited until the next week to tell me she was pissed that I left to go see a movie on Christmas day. That I 'got what I wanted' then got up and left.
I am dumbfounded that you guys had a stage where things were right between the two of you. It boggles my mind as well. So ask a friend for a reference or get out a phone book and make an appt. with a counselor. MAYBE it will help you guys. Hoping for the best for you.
I went to a marriage counselr briefly before the marriage when we were figthing constantly and she was so stressed and just nasty to me. I went about 3 times and she came 1. it made a *small* difference for a week or so. But then it was time for the wedding and honeymoon and we never went back. Shes brought it up a few times on her druken tirades how much that I forced her to go and she hates counselors and we dont need any help and how could I have been so underhanded to set it all up without even asking her and blah blah... I think I might bring it up tonight and see. This isnt normal, its not normal for us to be like this to each other and somethign has to change. Like I told her this weekend. Things used to be so great between us and somewhere we took a wrong turn. We both want to be happy in this relationship. There is only 3 things we can do. 1. Continue on this path, which is getting us no-where. 2. Get some help with a counselor or SOMEONE. or 3. Call it quits.
Please - before she gets knocked up and you have to spend the next 20 years of your life in this hell!
She is NOT a quality woman, she's a self-centered, slightly unbalanced, ungiving woman. She is nOT a full partner, she is NOT willing to do the work necessary to make this a good marriage.
Yes, you were pretty clueless, going to a movie on Xmas without her. Still, she shouldn't expect you to mind read. Maybe these problems could be worked through with a good marriage counselor - but only if she was WILLING, which she obviously isn't.
I'm sorry you think so little of yourself and your chances to feel that this is the best you can hope for.
Just for comparison - I'm a woman, and yes, a woman who at one point in our marriage was so tired/sick (thyroid problems) that I wasn't always the most enthusiastic bed partner. The WORST our sex life ever got during that period was once a week. And at least I had the decency to feel apologetic that I wasn't up for more!
I agree with other posters, this isn't just about sex, she has some serious issues that will keep her from being a caring, equal partner in a marriage. Nothing you do will ever be enough. I say, time for the LRT.
Heres the latest. I came home last night and she was all sad and crying. After a few minutes of asking I finally got her to tell me what was wrong. She said shes just miserable and feels like a failure in work and life and in our relationship. She was crying and really sad. I gave her the pep talk that we have things pretty good, we dont have money problems, we dont have kids that have problems, we arent wrapped up in drug problems, etc. She said that shes sorry shes such a wreck all the time. I told her that weve got some difficulties in our relationship that need work but I believe in her and us and I dont think shes a failure and I realy laid it on thick trying to get her out of the funk. Later in the kitchen she gave me a big hug and said she'd try harder. I just responded with 'that would be great' The rest of the evening was pretty uneventful, we just sat on the couch and watched movies and curled up together. This morning we woke up and got dressed like we always do for work. As she got dressed she went into the closet and got fully dressed with the door shut. Shes been doing it for weeks and did it all through our trip last weekend. I finally asked her "baby, how come you get dressed in the closet with the door shut now?" She flips out on me and says "gaaa will you get off my ass!! I did it one time and youre all over my ass about it!!" I said "im just asking a question, thats all" We didnt really speak the rest of the time we were getting dressed. Maybe im wrong, but to me, being married is not being shy around one another, its a little thing that shows intimacy. She was never shy while we were dating and often walked around the house naked, slept naked, etc. To me its a non-verbal communication that someone is distant. And whats an LRT?
Your wife said that she is a failure at most everything in her life. This probably translates into she does not feel safe, and this means she will not be comfortable with intimacy, and being naked is very intimate. LD people are intimacy avoiders. Worst part is that you may not be the cause of the problem. As women age, their bodies start to have problems. They lose confidence in the way they look. This tranlates to not feeling safe, and this translates to dressing in the closet, and as I have said before, dressing like eskimos when they go to bed.
To go along with this, I have another theory since I started reading NMMNG, that women start to RESENT their husbands when the wife gains weight and the husband does nothing to stop her from gaining weight. Like a woman gains 40 lbs in marriage and the husband STILL wants to ML to her, which kind of makes it seems like us guys will scr#w anything. Like the women wants us to set a boundry on how she maintains herself. Does this make any sense?
Well how do I make her feel safe??? Shes said before she doesnt feel safe talking to me. Even though I do always try to listen, but when she starts attacking me and I say something back she takes it wrong. I tell her shes beautiful all the time. At least 2-3 times a week. I tell her that I wish she could see through my eyes to know how beautiful I think she is. I dont care if shes put on a few pounds shes still really hot to me. I even think shes MORE attractive with a few extra lbs. I like women curvy and soft, not all hard and boney. What youre saying kinda makes sense, but wow its very counterintuitive. As far as feeling safe though, I have a pretty decent job and make more than enough to cover our bills. She makes about 1/3 of what I do. I pay the rent, electric, phone, cable, my credit cards, her 10K ring, etc. She pays the car insurance and buys groceries and pays her own cell bill. Ive NEVER thrown that kind of stuff up at her because it truly doenst matter to me. I guess the point im trying to make is, how can she not feel safe when she doesnt have to worry about all that?
