In response to your question, "Why does the WAS throw it all away?".
Well...whatever "it" was, seemed significantly stifling, boring, suffocating and loveless to them. They were bored and unhappy with their lives.
The classic mid-life crisis means that the world and its laws they once lived in no longer holds true for them. They are casting off their old personal and re-inventing a new one -- unfortunately, in many cases, they do it in a selfish, destructive and immoral way.
And I undersand your honesty about the difficulty in GAL. It's very hard.
There are two men on these DB boards who I have spoken with who did successfully turn their marriages around. But, they did it by not just practicing DB and GAL as techniques. They eliminated their fear of losing their wives and really went on a journey of self-transformation. It was not one of sensitivity and squishiness, rather it focused on being a brave, strong, true man of integrity who lives out the call to adventure.
Their wives noticed and were drawn to these new, strange, men.
I'll be honest with you. This is very tough.
If you want, email me: theoden (dot) king (at) hotmail (dot) com and I'll connect you will these two guys. I couched the email address so it wouldn't be picked up in a Google search. These forums show up in Google searches.
My sister once told me that my W is a runner. She'll just keep running so she doesn't need to stop and do some painful inner reflection and analysis. Running both physically and emotionally (she goes out late a lot, and is closed to me and all her family) must be tiring and my sister predicted one day she would simply collapse out of sheer exhaustion. I don't want this to happen, but can definitely see the signs.
drz,
I had to respond to this bit. I was a runner - not an athletic type of runner although I physically ran away by busying myself with things away from home - my hobbies etc. I ran away in my head as well. I read, and read and read and withdrew from the family. I stopped wanting to socialise with 'our' friends and only confided in 'my' friends. I didn't have an A but I didn't feel 'in love' with my H although funnily enough I at no time doubted I loved him and nor have I ever found another man attractive to me in the way my H is.
I was extremely unhappy and yet to many I had a fairly enchanted life. I am a well educated SAH mom of four children, all of whom I wanted to have. I ran/ still run my own part time tax consultancy business. I am financially secure. I was very involved in the community and in charity things. My H is a fair minded, articulate, clever, helpful loving man.
I just couldn't work out why I was so unhappy and miserable. I tried therapy but it took me three attempts to find a therapist I could open up to and who seemed to be able to ask the right questions at the right times. Even after finding him, it was only at the second attempt of restarting therapy that we managed to make some progress. I had to hit rock bottom to find that help. Every day there felt like no reason to get up. I lost weight, (I feel so ashamed that I felt like that / still do some days), I could no longer hide my misery from myself by running away. I didn't want to live anymore.
My therapist is a cognitive therapist and he got me to the stage where I could face my dislike of myself and my misery and he helped me tell my H in an email how wretched I felt and how I wanted my life and my M and my H back. My H took a few days to reply and when he did I found that I had driven him away and he was having an A. Immediately I knew that I really did want my H and he quickly ended the A and recommitted to the M.
It's taken a lot of work and I am still in therapy but i have managed to stop the running, (most of the time). I have learned new ways of dealing with my feelings.
I tell you this as maybe your W needs to hit the bottom and then she will seek help and return to you. It is possible. I wish so much that my H hadn't sought solace elsewhere but I can see why he did and maybe, just maybe that helped kick me up the rear and try that bit harder to sort things out. He thought I no longer loved him - he realised that wasn't the case.
Although it is still hard at times our M is better than it had been in years. i can now tell him when I am low. i can talk to him about anything again. He is my best friend again. we talk about what we are going to do together when all the children have left home - what we will do with our retirement.
Look after yourself, GAL, do whatever you need to do to keep sane, but don't give up until you need to for your own sanity - things can change and when you least expect them to.
Are you a fellow Brit in the UK?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I've been quiet for a couple of weeks, as I've been trying to GAL, detach and move on. I thought a break from these boards, and their emotional intensity would be healthy.
Well my suspicions about my W and her A with OM have been proven correct. It appears things have started up again. She goes out most nights, and I've looked outside our apartment to see his car waiting in the distance. Watching her get in and drive off has been very difficult. In addition, I've broken my "non-snoop" promise and checked my W's email account, and seen emails from him (nothing graphic - just jokes signed with love). So now what? Well there is one big difference from last time, my W is lying. Previously she'd tell me she was going to see her male friend, but now she pretends she's made a new circle of girlfriends. So she dropped the bomb 16 months ago, had an affair, still lives at home (we sleep in separate rooms), and appears to be going back to the A (which was PA and led to a miscarriage). I wonder why she's lying? Is she in a different phase where a sense of guilt is finally starting to filter through?
Where am I? Well unlike last time, I'm more detached. It still hurts beyond words, but in a more distant way. The debilitating heartache, sleepless nights and constant anxiety is gone. I'm also trying to give up all "pursuing behaviour", and don't ask where she's going and when she will be back. Sometimes she tells me herself, other times not. I believe I've grown, but I'm not sure where this leaves me. Do we stay together, and I GAL my heart out? Do I call it quits? Is this her last throw of the dice before she breaks down and finally addresses her inner demons (she looks very drained, tired and haggard)?
I don't know. I don't know and I don't know.
One thing which keeps me focused is our 2 gorgeous girls...I will not leave the house so OM can enter their lives, and I don't want to shatter their equilibrium by "pushing the button" and going for full separation and divorce. However as time progresses, I feel less interested in having her back. I love her deeply, but she will have to reach out to me in a major way to cross the distance that I have travelled.
Throughout this period, I've tried to be loving and asked about her, and made efforts to ask her out, or make an extra cup of tea when I'm in the kitchen. My 180 is going to be a stop on these efforts. I think I needed the wake up call of this second round with OM to truly detach. Till now I've been suspended rather than detached.
I don't know how much of my behaviour fuels her monster. Is she having "her cake and eating it", and needs a wake up call to bring her back to some sense of reality? I don't think ultimatums or reason will get through her fog. So it seems my only choice, is to tighten my seat belt further and continue this ride.
I'd love to hear from those who still live with spouses that are having affairs; especially where the affairs stop & start.
As usual I know there's no "magic answer", but the warmth and wisdom on these boards is very comforting.
