MLC affairs vs Average Affairs

[cagzmom]

A are always the same,,they meet at some common place (work)
she is initially pleasing and non demanding but as time goes on all that changes
just my 2 cents

Bingo!read something about "low frequency" that the MLCer and needy OP are on. well the OP will do anything to keep the MLCer and they seem to know how to please and fluff them up. but that s why its good for them to move in together, takes the shine off quicker.

that is so true. She will do anything. ANYTHING. AND she NEEDS to be totally part of his life. CONSUMED by him (as I was early on) She is giving up her friends and her life for him. WRAPPED up in him.

[cagzmom]

I put this up as a suggestion: where the affair is primarily because the spouse is in MLC, then there is a strong likelihood that the marriage can be repaired, evantually, but it will depend on the the WAS spouse fixing themselves; where there are problems in the marriage, both partners have to be willing to acknowledge their contribution to the breakdown that led to the affair, and work on the marriage.

MY C and I talked about this in a way yesterday. I said what am I doing? Why am I standing? Is it because I am giving him a "chance" to get through his MLC and then see where I AM? He smiled and said.."i think so."

My H I think had a one nighter that BROKE him out into the BOMB. It WAS coming but as I look and have of course researched it seems so. The A didn't start until he moved out about 1 month later - and as i have read so many places on here if they dont have a op right away, they will be willing once they are out. that is what happened with me. I mean what a great deal the ow got. At 23 she got a great deal on a car and got the GM too. (sorry still a little fresh to me)

[cagzmom]

Neediness - one of the reasons peole have affairs is to be a rescuer, a shining knight. They feel taken for granted in their marriage, and perhaps they are. Now if there is also a MLC going on they will be separating themselves from their spouse, and MLC is arguably a crisis of identity. So any neediness in the LBS is unattractive, sucking them back into an r they are seeking to escape from.

They want to rescue the OP.

A

can I get an AMEN. HA!! SO SO SO TRUE!! He is the "Man she always dreamed of. Her HERO, He is so handsome, so wonderful, so succesful. Etc etc. (WELL DUH 23 year old ow HE IS 41!!! DUH!!-- but you think he has $$ oh my oh my....)

From the words of MY H --- he never thought I mattered to him. HA! NEVER MATTERED are you kidding me-- I thought that he could walk on water and that yes his POOP DID NOT STINK!!

[chicki]

trusting,

My H would call the police. My H likes to threaten me all the time when he doesnt get his way. But I dont have to worry about being robbed, I dont have anything of value he wants. To piss me off he took his big screen tv out of the LR and into his room along w/ all his other stuff. I had to move my tv out of my room into the LR for the holidays so my family can watch tv. I really wanted to use the extra room, but d10 convinced not to do it.

[kissak]

You all seem to have a hold on what you see with your H and the OW. All I see with my H is that he is so happy with her. I believe that they had an EA at first and they didnt let it go any further than that until he left me. They went out about a week and a half after he left me. He told me it was an instant connection with them. She left her H on the same day mine left me. BUT they both claim that there was nothing going on between them while we were together.

He has told me he feels he can be himself around her. WHY? I dont understand. Was he not himself the 15 years he was with me? If not, then who was he?

She listens to him. They can argue and be over it 5 min later....Ok, so I stayed angry a little longer at him, so what? She is better organized than me. She and him have more in common. She has goals she is working towards to better herself. I guess me having my own business doesnt matter. She just makes him happy. He told me one difference in choosing to be with her was that there was no piece of paper tying them together. Yes, he did say that there was committment there as in any relationship, but no legal piece of paper.....easier to get out of if it dont work out. She lights him up when she comes in a room. When she touches him it send shivers down his spine....yes he told me all of this. Makes me sick to think I actually let him tell me this.

He and her worked together alot. Began talking about their problems together. Thats how it happened.

He has to be around her all the time, he thinks about her all the time. Is that Love? what kind of affair is this? will it last? Is it going to fade?


She on the other hand has been married twice. I see her as controlling. She gave her first H an ultimatum. Her and their child or the fire dept. He chose the FD. Her second h, she left him because he didnt trust her, supposedly because his first wife cheated on him. Her H worked with her so he was around her all the time. she could never get away from him. My H is dedicated to the ems....his #1 priority is that. Not his kids....not hers. Still, she has no idea how to make a marriage work. You dont like how its going....get out?

My H did tell me that he had not said anything about marrying her. I dont think he ever would unless she pressured him into it.

Ok, Im babbling now...sorry. I will do that on my thread.

[chicki]

cagz,

Yeah my H needs constant positive reinforcement(like a kid). I dont, so I dont hink in that way.One of the things he said he liked about OP is that she praises him all the time and compliments him. I too use to think his crap didnt stink and worshiped him. I think that was another wake up call from God so I can get my priorities staright and worship HIM!

[cagzmom]

cagz,

Yeah my H needs constant positive reinforcement(like a kid). I dont, so I dont hink in that way.One of the things he said he liked about OP is that she praises him all the time and compliments him. I too use to think his crap didnt stink and worshiped him. I think that was another wake up call from God so I can get my priorities staright and worship HIM!

TOTALLY! My H filled up ALL of my heart and there was no place for God. (I had/have a relationship with GOD but I didn't realize how my H had become an idol....taking Gods place)

[angelica]

Kissak - What we have got, or are starting to get, is a little detachment from the sitch.

None of us like the fact that our spouses are having an affair. That is a given. We are trying to understand why they are having an affair, and what the affair means [different things to different people, within a broad framework]

Affairs have a shelf life, before they either end, or turn into something else. That period varies, depending on a range of factors. But initially they will think the OP is wonderful - even if they recognise what they are like. They are fulfilling their emotional and physical needs, and bluntly we aren't right now.

Your h sounds in the infatuation stage. And this doens't last. It is teenage stuff. They apparently have shared problems.

But he keeps coming back to you. If you change yourself, you will be the more attractive one. Not immediately. The changes have got to be clear, genuine and enduring. Keeping contact to a minimum is an obvious way to start. Your h might enjoy two women wanting him. If you appear not to, this will not necessarily increase her attractiveness to him.

I obsessed about my h's affair for the longest time, so I do know how difficult it is to stop. It isn't worth your headspace though. And there is nothing you can do about it. Some of the things your h are saying are deliberately hurtful. No sane person says things like that to their wife! Come on, it isn't normal. If you broke up with a boyfriend you ddin't go round and tell him how much more attractive you found the new guy.

Take no notice of his childish and self induglent behaviour, detach, be independent. Validate yourself instead of looking for validation from him.

You can do it Kissak

[kissak]

Thanks A....I dont think that H told me his feelings about the OW to be hurtful. At least I dont think so. I really dont know why though. I suspect it is because he was able to tell her about me and she would listen to him and say she was glad he told her. I did ask him that once recently. I asked how she took him talking about me and missing me. She would say that she was glad he told her.

I guess he doesnt see the difference there. She knows he loves her. I dont have that. So it is harder for me to hear it.

But then again....I dont think he is sane anymore either. He did ask once how I was fighting for him. I guess me taking him back every time didnt count. Me saying I still loved him didnt count.

It is so hard to not go back on my no contact. I dont want to lose any ground I have, but it is sooo hard to not think that I am losing him, by not talking to him. By not keeping that connection with us. I am so afraid that it will push him closer to her if I am out of sight, out of mind. I told him this was the way to get over the OW if he were with me, so Im afraid this is what he thinks if he isnt in contact with me.

Im so scared I am doing the wrong thing.

[still hoping]

I haven't had time to read through this whole thread, so I'm sorry if I'm repeating here. Just wondering:

How many of you would still be standing for your M's if this was 'just' an average affair as opposed to an MLC affair?

For me, I think I would have filed for D by now if it were average affair. But my H has so many MLC symptoms and triggers and what angelica said is so very true about H and the skank he rescued - he sugar-daddied her right out of a terrible job and life.

one of the reasons peole have affairs is to be a rescuer, a shining knight.