It is true that one can look at the whole issue in very graphic and very severe ways. Michelle said in one cd that if you don't have an affair with your spouse someone else will. I am not saying it applies here, but I believe for long term healing and happiness we have to become better people as individuals and then by extension as a couple. If we can do that we can or should be able to deal with any temptations and such.
I know that but a month ago I would not have said that, and I still say no to any contact other than what cannot be avoided in the social or curling circumstances. The OM's W insists on no contact and I think that if there ever was any she would freak. Not that it makes anything easier or more logical.
Who knows what the dynamic will be in the future. I am beginning to understand that the "bond" that they created occupied much if not all of their emotional space and it was overwhelming so the void is also a large one left behind. I am not trying to back fill it, just building a bridge to get over it.
I have my boys christmas luncheon and my W is going out with the babes, she said that I should stop by the restuarant on my way home and say hello, not to stay, but just say hello, I thought that was nice.
merry Christmas Everyone, and sending love and happiness your way as well,
I will probably not be able to post anymore before christmas, perhaps not even the new year.
I would like to wish everyone a wonderful holiday and all the best in the New Year, no matter what the circumstances.
I must say one thing, that I got a tremendous amount of help from emailing directly with a fellow board member and I strongly suggest that if you have the opportunity to find a friend then go full bore into it and do it.
I honestly do not think I would be in this happier space be it not for "limbo" and the probably hundred or so emails we have exchanged. It gave me insight and understanding that my mind would not have been able to deal with.
I will drink a fair number of Christmas Cheers to her,
I am hoping that it will be a better year and that we can move on as a couple and gain a better understanding of who we are and why my W chose an A rather than me, it will still take time, but now I am living with a smile,
I think that the feeling is mutual, being able to speak to you has helped me too! I think that when you can talk back and forth with someone especially when in anguish, it helps to work through it, and maybe by talking to someone else quickly prevents you from doing something that you may regret, as far as confronting your spouse.
I hope that everyone has a wonderful Christmas!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
Survived is I guess the best way I can describe it. I believe I let my emotions get the best of me a few times. I wanted to badly to get something or some real loving that I lost it a few times and had my freak out episode. All in all I think that it was ok, and very spartan as usual.
We did not talk much, either R or any other talk. I think that she does not want to bring anything up so then if I don't say anything I get blamed. I still sense the moments when I have to be blamed in a way, that it was my poor behaviour and whatever that led her to the A and all that. It hurts so much to be blasted that I shut down, I just have to learn how to deal with it and also that it is not the real woman talking to me in those situations.
I will try and start the new year with a fresh new outlook and trying the hardest not to be so darn emotional.
One thing as part of the freak outs was the my W said she will probably never be friends with the OM again, sad but true I guess, and I do hate him more and more which is also something I have to deal with. We were friends before this happened, and now the mere thought of him makes me ill.
I think that the new year will be better and I take my small victories as in when my W talks about long term plans, and it is all as a couple so that must count for something.
I wish everyone here a happy new year and obviously one filled with true love and happiness.
We were friends before this happened, and now the mere thought of him makes me ill.
Same here. You and he could never be friends again. Too much bad history. Sad, I know, but a choice he made all on his own. You deserve better friends than that.
I guess I will use this as a little journal and place to spew my thoughts. I believe I am starting to get the detaching thing, even if it sounds so illogical in many ways. I suggested to my W that we tackle our problems that landed us here now in the New Year head on, or at least make a list and have a battle plan. She said she was not in the mood and that we can do it some other time. I guess or I believe that she is dealing with much quilt and trying to sort everything out in her mind and I also now see how the A totally changed their thinking and how they viewed us and our marriage.
So what I am hoping is that detaching will make it easier for her to come out of her shell and easier for me to just find some peace and happiness. I will also get back on the exercise wagon and do something everyday. I know that it will be good for, not that I am not in good shape now, but can always be refreshing.
Even as I hugged her last night it still so that I feel that she just wants to get away and not hug me back. Feeling rejected in that way sets my over active mind in motion as well.
I was consumed with vivid thoughts and flashbacks all last night, and I also need to find a way of changing that pattern. I know the feeling and then it just spirals out of control. It started after my W woke me up because I was snoring, oh well.
It is still a roller coaster in every way.
Freezing cold here, but I did walk the dogs so all is well,
Had a sulking moment last night but I woke up feeling fine and refreshed and I also see that it is no use in feeling sorry for myself, It will take a while to get that through my thick skull though, but on the right path I believe.
I have to get to a space where I do not expect anything and live there for a while I figure.
Then this morning I got an email from an unknown guy who has some lures and a reel to sell. I collect old fishing lures. Turns out the reel is worth about 1000.00 or more so it will be an exciting chase and something to keep me busy,
I saw a post on the subject of detaching and I could not agree more. It is a very strange thing to do and convince the mind that it is fine to be elusive, indifferent and cold.
We had a nice weekend and I even got a real hug, held hands few times in the supermarket and then made love when we got home. It is amazing how alert and intense the mind and all the feelings are, just looking for any sign, be it bad or good. It is something I am working on as well as the detaching, just to relax and enjoy life for what it is and not try and micro manage it.
Yet I am still in a position where I can say that I do not fully trust my W and I certainly don't trust the OM. It is not easy, but getting a little easier with every day.
It is also amazing how many movies involve affairs and such behaviour and I know that my wife skips past them and does not even pretend to want to watch them. I think that is good. There was a also some movie about a couple having a baby, and my wife looked at me kind of we will never be there. We were doing infertility stuff when the A started so it is a huge skeleton that we have to dig out at some point.
Just want to let you know that even when things seem tough and one feels all alone, there is some love under that cold strange person that we really do not know,
I was feeling quite alone and sad in a way just wondering if we could ever get going with the rest of our lives so to speak. What I mean is that it seems that we cannot talk about the A and even events and problems in our M that might have contributed to my W straying were off limits because they would eventually lead to the A, the OM and all the lies and stuff. I also think that it seemed as if the fog was still very heavy at times in my W's world.
So last night I just asked about her councelling session the other day, she never talks much or anything about it, even if I ask. She brought up an old point about a matter related to my family and we almost got back into our routine combatative argument, but we were able to snap out of it.
One thing led to another and we also discussed perhaps going back to couples councelling, she said she felt that I was not listening or doing what the councellor said and I told her that it was perhaps because I had no idea at the time how warped and distant her mind and heart had become, and the councellor was just saying that she is in a different place and I have to give her space. At that time I just wanted to hug her and say I love You, but instead I had to detach. I was not ready for it, and looking back now I can see why things continued to spiral downwards.
Anyhow, I could go on and on, but we agreed to have a scheduled time to talk, to write down our wishes and wants, and obviously try not blame and dwell too much in the past but move forward instead. It will not be easy, but I will try.
All in all a good moment, probably in my mind one of the best since the Bomb in late July,
So what it means is to have patience and hope beyond belief. I was actually feeling a little down and weak yesterday before all this.
I was feeling quite alone and sad in a way just wondering if we could ever get going with the rest of our lives so to speak. What I mean is that it seems that we cannot talk about the A and even events and problems in our M that might have contributed to my W straying were off limits because they would eventually lead to the A, the OM and all the lies and stuff. I also think that it seemed as if the fog was still very heavy at times in my W's world.
So last night I just asked about her councelling session the other day, she never talks much or anything about it, even if I ask. She brought up an old point about a matter related to my family and we almost got back into our routine combatative argument, but we were able to snap out of it.
One thing led to another and we also discussed perhaps going back to couples councelling, she said she felt that I was not listening or doing what the councellor said and I told her that it was perhaps because I had no idea at the time how warped and distant her mind and heart had become, and the councellor was just saying that she is in a different place and I have to give her space. At that time I just wanted to hug her and say I love You, but instead I had to detach. I was not ready for it, and looking back now I can see why things continued to spiral downwards.
Anyhow, I could go on and on, but we agreed to have a scheduled time to talk, to write down our wishes and wants, and obviously try not blame and dwell too much in the past but move forward instead. It will not be easy, but I will try.
All in all a good moment, probably in my mind one of the best since the Bomb in late July,
So what it means is to have patience and hope beyond belief. I was actually feeling a little down and weak yesterday before all this.
