I'll try to answer your questions by giving my own example.
My W has asked for separation a number of times and I've stalled. She had a PA, and even became pregnant with the losers baby, but we're still in the same house. Why? For me there were a few reasons and they are summarised as follows (I've already written a huge life essay elsewhere...my thread is called "Finally detaching after 15 months of hell"):
- I was too shell shocked by her asking for a divorce after 15 years of marriage. I was in denial and couldn't do anything. - I hoped by staying in the same house we could work things out more easily - I was so used to having her around and liked the comfort of our domestic routines. Though the reality was that our domestic bliss had been shattered and she would go out most nights with OM
I'm now stronger and more rational (but its still the most painful hell imaginable), and the reasons I stay now are as follows:
- I still love my W and want to give our M a chance. I believe me watching her daily struggle with her inner demons (though this is not always obvious when she's all "tarted up" for partying), and she watching me trying to GAL are good for both of us. We committed to be there for each other on this journey of life, and I think we should stick to our vows. A part of me also feels that she would have a tough time on her own, and I'd rather she arrive at a definite conclusion from the comfort and security of our home. - We have 2 beautiful girls (9 & 13), and I think they both benefit from having 2 parents in the same home. They can hug us whenever they want, and chatter without inhibition. They don't need to wait till they go over to the separated home. In addition, I know my girls are aware of our difficulties, and I hope they can learn a lesson of trying to work things out especially when it comes to something as sacred as family & M. They know their Mum isn't her normal self and we are there to try and help her. - The practical, financial and emotional implications of separation are too much to contemplate. Therefore I'm going to focus my time and energy on GALling. Honestly, maybe I'm scared that separation will be a one-way street to divorce. Staying together buys me time to get stronger.
Your circumstances are similar to mine. We live in the same home but are physically separated. You have the advantage of some hugs, I wouldn't even dream of asking for one of those.
You both have a civil relationship, and I think there's a lot of good things to rebuild your marriage on. The only issue is the OM. Can you deal with it? I've learnt to deal with it, but its a huge red line that's tough for most guys. Whether you shout, you stay, or you separate, makes no difference. She's going to do what she's going to do. I look at my W and think this is an alien and my real W would never have done this. You need to think your Ws ill and going through a madness you can't fix. If you think that your W is making any of these choices with her normal & logical senses (especially with respect to OM) then you had better cut and run. However none of the spouses here are in their senses and we should try and be the better humans, and show them some compassion. I know its not fair that we have to put up with this sh*t, but that's the hand we've been dealt. If you decide to stick it out at home then GAL like crazy, because I don't want you to get hurt if she progresses things with OM.
Take care of yourself, and be the better man that you truly are.
