Well its been awhile since I've last posted about me and my sitch. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1271802&page=0&fpart=1 I haven't had much to say after Thanksgiving because I found myself cycling into a deep depression and I had to fight my way out of it so I can continue to be a great parent to my two children. I decided to move to this forum because thats what W and I are right now. We've been separated for over 18 mos now and I don't see a future in sight. Every time I feel I am ready to move forward I stall. I just need more patience I guess.
Anyways, after getting back up from my depression, I kept driving back to see my kids, one weekend a month and its been great. I've noticed what a better father I've become, but more importantly my kids know it. So thats been a huge plus in my life. However, I feel like I've taken a huge backslide as far as detaching and GAL. Especially over the holidays.
W did not spend any of the big three with the kids (Thanksgiving, Xmas, New Years). She took this opportunity to spend it with her man in prison. Her A that everyone knows about but she still chooses to keep it a secret from me. Anyways hers actions this holiday season has been so hot and cold and so painful I'm beginning to question my want and desire to continue to stand. When I feel like I'm ready to move forward I can't.
I've found myself getting caught up in her madness and its driving me crazy. I try to be a friend and love her unconditionally but most of the time I want to slap some sense into her. She is always preaching about being a good parent yet she leaves her kids to be with a man on the three important family days of the year. Don't get me wrong I'm glad and thankful she left them with me, but who does that? During this time my kids have been telling me that she is taking them to the prison to see OM and that mom tells them to keep it a secret. What kind of crap is that. My eldest says that what mom is doing is ok because she decided she does not want to be with me anymore. She is just waiting to have enough money to get a lawyer. This is wrong. I want to confront her but I'm not sure what the point is given her current state of mind. W used to be a woman who put her kids first I don't understand her actions and its driving me crazy. Her parents noticed this too and had a long talk with her. I'm not sure what came of it but I'm sure they'll tell me. Its funny because all of our friends and family that know what shes doing has told me. So why can't she?
During my last visit she couldn't stop talking about what a good parent I am. And we were at times acting like a family and a couple. I tried so hard to take it for what it was but she kept telling me if she wasn't so scared to trust me she would work on our marriage. She says she keeps waiting for the real me to pop put. I told her this is the real me. Its unfortunate that you keep looking at me as I was and not as I am. She said nothing. After that we got real nice and comfortable again and I found myself practically throwing myself at her. I tried to back away but she followed and I did it again although this time she stomped on my heart. I'm not sure I can continue this hot and cold treatment from her. At the same time I also see her heading for a melt down. So what I continue to try to do, is be her friend. I decided to compete with her jail man and sent her a hand written letter basically introducing myself and what I am about. I did this before I thought about what she did to the kids over the holidays. So now I'm thinking it might be a mistake because I don't want to be friends with a person like that. But its already done so I'll see if she responds.
I want to detach. So thats my goal. I don't want to keep getting myself caught up in her madness. But right now I am still weak. I love her still. At this point I'm more confused than when I started DBing. I thought posting would help but its just getting me fired up again. Like I've said, I've done some serious backsliding. I guess I should re-read DR and refocus.
