Cool Story! Finally we stopped confsuing the WAR with the WARRIOR. Your story brings warmth to my heart and a tear to my eye! (HOOAH: Army Stong!) The military here just needed the RIGHT strategy. The CAPABILITY was always here. The newest "Greatest Generation", of NCOs and Mid-grade officers MADE this happen. They knew it all along! The 4th ID just took over in MND Baghdad for the 1st Cavalry Division. Thanks for the leave plan.
Matilda: It sounds like your H.'s reasons for leaving, like my W.'s, are trumped up "statements of charges" to hide the fact that we're all humans, and he's got no real leg to stand on. Was that part of your marriage vows? Better of worse or unless there's dust on the bookcase and dishes in the sink.
I hear all the stuff about "cutting one's losses", "don't settle for being uncomfortably happy", blah, blah, blah............
She's not the woman I married either. She's always been kind of a difficult person, and I've been too laid back. Even when I drew boundaries, they were always met with anger that just intensified for the next conflict. I followed the image of my father as a "husband": worked hard, tried to be at all my kids events, remembered birthdays and anniversaries, but maybe what you have to bring to a marriage has gotten so sophisticated, I just don't read between the lines very well. I din't fulfill her emotional needs. when she finally told me that in cousneling, I worked hard to do that. With NO reciprocation on her part. I got it wrong, but when she TOLD me, I reacted and DIDN't BLOW IT OFF! Who knows? The answer, though matilda is no. She's miserable. I didn't fulfill her needs. Roger. Out. Got it. But I was never filled with vitriol, was never unforgiving. She has never said she was sorry for ANYTHING. I kid you not> ANYTHING, in 20 years. Never made an overture to make up after an argument. Just storfed it inside and got progressively angrier each time. How can you hug a shark, or why would you want to. I wasn't a very openly emotive person. She is, with most of those emotions being insecurity and anger. She did run the household. Did all the bills, shopping, etc, but never had to worry about the next meal or new car. I don't know where o go anymore. I never try and correspond with her. Even the business emails, I'm very pleasant and upbeta. I get no responses. Ever. So, no. I don't want her back, but the loss of my "Family" is still overwhelming. Every thing revolved around us as a family. I don't want to hear the advce "build a new family with new memories". I'll do what I nned to, but I don't have THAT level of optimism. Sorry....Rant...
Cease fire, cease fire....Lock and clear and super-elevate all weapons!
FLTC, I think it is very unfortunate that your W and many others spouses, including my STBXW, point at us as the root cause of their unhappiness. And thus it is very easy for them to point fingers and justify a D to be rid of us. They still do not realize that they are solely responsible for their own happiness or unhappiness..... It also sounds like all your W did was take from you and not much of a giver.... Maybe she's very needy and will always keep draining whoever she is with....
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
I don't want to hear the advce "build a new family with new memories".
I understand, FLTC. I see it just a bit different. It's not that we need to build a new family....isn't it accepting the old family minus one person?? Not easy!! Lots of changes!!
You’re right. Happiness is "an individual Soldier task”! She was very generous and giving, never forgot my birthday, or other special days, it was just the other part that wasn't giving: the willingness to ever compromise, and to get uncharacteristically angry at the smallest thing, whether it was the fact that during a trip I hadn't planned it out to drive the absolute shortest distance between point A and B, or I put the plastic containers in the wrong cabinet when I unpacked the dishwasher.....ugh!
Matilda. Good way to look at it. My kids treat me very well! They love me to death, and are frustrated by their mother's behavior as much as I am. Witness the relationship between D17 and W.
FLTC, as for the being angry at the smallest things, you may want to take a deeper look. A lot of the times it's just a symptom of something MUCH deeper. She could be harboring some sort of built up resentment that leads to nitpicking any and all unrelated things. I know my W definitely did that for the longest time because she was angry at me for the way I've been treating her. It became overwhelming for me and I eventually just tuned her out and shutdown. And then she finally stopped, and that's when she became the WAW even though I thought things are getting better due to the fighting stopped.... In reality when she was nitpicking, it's a way she's screaming at me that something is wrong.... Maybe your wife just like to nitpick, but it's something worth doing some digging.
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
Yeah, I'm sure that was a big part of it, but even two years into our marriage 19 years ago, there was never any "I'm Sorry" for anything AT ALL. Never an attempt to put us above HER, at least in the arena of putting closure on arguments or disagreements. You're definitley right however, that a lot of had to do with what I was or more impotantly WASN'T doing, but it was really like trying to play the game "Whack-a-mole" with her. I'd work on the last thing she bit&hed about, and then just as quickly she'd change direction, and uncover the next thing I was inadequate at. When we went to counseling in 2033, I listend intently, and tried my best to undo the injustices. She made not a single improvement of attempt. I KNOW I had stuff to fix, I admitted it, and went about it. She admitted nothing, and went about fixing.....you got it...nothing.
That being said, though, what you say is in all the literature I've read, and it does have a lot of truth to it.
FLTC, it could be just the way she is due to her life experience and personality. And it will be impossible for her to change unless she recognize the issues and want to change herself. I'm thinking she probably won't get it until she's in the same rut again with her next R. It's just too bad that sometimes they have to learn it that way.... I keep hoping/praying that my W figures things out before it's too late....
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
FLTC, glad to hear you had a better day today (and hope tomorrow-- which is your today -- is going well, too!!) I have a thread in Surviving--"waltzing". I moved over there when I knew H was not going to change his mind about the divorce. Can always use another life line...or a 2 x 4 --which ever seems appropriate at the time.
Now I rely on GPS!