MLC affairs vs Average Affairs

[ba065]

I agree also! I've wondered how I could get my H to go to the doctor to be checked to see if he is bipolar...it is simply a trait of the MLC...I truly believe that the MOW in my H's life will eventually see the Mr. Hyde side of H and wonder what the h*&$ she was thinking!

BA

[a new 2moro]

A are always the same,,they meet at some common place (work)
she is initially pleasing and non demanding but as time goes on all that changes
just my 2 cents

Bingo!read something about "low frequency" that the MLCer and needy OP are on. well the OP will do anything to keep the MLCer and they seem to know how to please and fluff them up. but that s why its good for them to move in together, takes the shine off quicker.

[angelica]

Great thread - on the stats: I know of several affairs that I only got to hear about because of my h's MLC. They had been very discreet, because their spouses didn't actually leave.

MLC is different IMO: they sabotage every aspect of their life, as someone noted. Most of them affair down in some way - and this isn't just the spouse's opinion.

i agree totally that the more 'equal' affair is usually the more 'dangerous' one.

One of my friends whose h had an affair, and I think would have come back, except he had been physically abusive, has remained with the affair partner, but they never married, and they quarrel constantly, whereas my friend married 5 years later, and is blissfully happy.

I know of two other affairs where the h wanted to go back, and the wives woudn't hae them. Both then married their affair partner.

So, some marriages truly end. the affair is the exit affair. Other affairs occur because of a combination of problems in the marriage/problems in the partner. With MLC it tends to be more of the latter and less of the former, but as we know, no marrige is perfect.

I put this up as a suggestion: where the affair is primarily because the spouse is in MLC, then there is a strong likelihood that the marriage can be repaired, evantually, but it will depend on the the WAS spouse fixing themselves; where there are problems in the marriage, both partners have to be willing to acknowledge their contribution to the breakdown that led to the affair, and work on the marriage.

In all cases the LBS should work on themself - having a good relationship with someone else depends on liking yourself, and being independent. Even if we do not get back together with our spouse, we are much more likely to have a good relationship with another person. Interestingly as we know second and subsequent marriages/relationships have a higher break up rate, which suggests that many people do not learn how to be a better partner.

A

[chicki]

I love this thread!!

What I dont understand is this neediness of the OP. How come our WAS cant stand it when WE(LBS) are acting needy for them to return, BUT its OK for OP to be jsut as or more needy????

H's OP is extremely needy and her leach on him is getting shorter and shorter where I know its suffacating him at times but yet he puts up w/ it even though he has complained about it outloud to me and the girls.

She seemed to feel when he was starting to pull away (when he was getting closer to me) and that is when she demanded to start coming along /him to drop the kids.Thats when he stopped oming inside and hanging out.

H's A was not affaired down. I hear she is "pretty". My opposite, very tall, blonde and yes 10yrs younger!! She is also a law student!!!UGH!!!!!!!!!!!

She wins my H over everytime w/ being the super nice "stepmom".

[angelica]

Neediness - one of the reasons peole have affairs is to be a rescuer, a shining knight. They feel taken for granted in their marriage, and perhaps they are. Now if there is also a MLC going on they will be separating themselves from their spouse, and MLC is arguably a crisis of identity. So any neediness in the LBS is unattractive, sucking them back into an r they are seeking to escape from.

They want to rescue the OP.

A

[cagzmom]

[quote=Laughing]Way back when all of this started I IMAGINED their relationship having much more than our marriage ever had. Afterall, he left us, his family for this woman. The sad fact is, my imagination gave me all sorts of heartache and stress, for the reality of their relationship and now marriage is much less than I would ever stand for, would ever want.

Another GREAT wake up call. 2 things I noticed that I have done to myself -- and wow glad I read a real life version here.....
#1-What I imagined caused ME stress and heartache...that is what it does, we think upon their love making, or giggling etc....but the truth is what it REALLY may be or may become - is that what I cagzmom really want??
#2-The REALITY of the relationship is MUCH LESS than what I WILL EVER STAND FOR AGAIN - I FINALLY know I am VALUABLE. WIth our without H.

Remember, what we imagine can often be far better or worse than the reality of their relationship. I've seen many affair partners trying to fit into the former wife's shoes also. They live in a life of competion, always trying to prove they are better than the wife/life they left behind, an easy way of loosing one's true self.

In a way I shared this with both my kids again recently, but had originally shared it with D11. She was worried about him making a "new life". I said to her that WE our FAMILY we were THE FIRST-she was his first daughter, s18 first son and me FIRST WIFE..we had him for what was the BEST of him. Where am I going...just saying that the OW will ALWAYS BE #2 ALWAYS. She WAS NOT his FIRST CHOICE - she was the leftover in a time of crisis.

It's best not to focus on what they have, even better not to focus on what you do not have.... be grateful you have been given an opportunity to rediscover yourself and all that life has to offer.

So TRUE SO TRUE- I am finally seeing things as never before.

[cagzmom]

MrsH

If he thinks he wasn't happy but thinks he knows what will make him happy, then that is what he will try to turn her into. She will try at first. At some point she will begin to repeat his original mantras.

What about me?
When do I get to be happy?
When do I get my turn?

He will miss her when she is gone, almost as much as she will miss herself while she is there.

That is GOOD!! I look at them and see the "freedom" and the ease of what they have. You would think that at some point she will "want more..." which will be "taking" from him again..Hmm wonder if this is right or not.

[TRUSTING]

Chicki,

I hear you. My x's other person is so needy she reminds me of a 3 year-old. She is constantly crying and playing the victim, even around my children.

My x fell for it hook, line and sinker. He can have her. I know he will get sick of it sooner or later.

Chicki, I while back you asked about changing the locks, etc. Yes, I did that. I did not care if it was legal or not, my x had been threatening. I consulted with my lawyer and she said "Yes, you are not suppose to do it, but nothing will happen unless x calls the police. He was not about to do that and embarrass himself. He got mad about it, but so what. I don't regret doing that one bit. He would have robbed me blind at that time.

[cagzmom]

[/quote]Now, I am a year and a half post-bomb...my d is final. I am in love w/ a wonderful man and we are engaged to be married in June. I have come to like the woman/person that I am and I am very happy w/ my life. And, I know that no matter what, I am going to be ok.[/quote]

Wow - feel like you are me.

[/quote]Mrs. H, YOU are going to be ok, too! 2008 is a new year w/ lots of new opportunities...Explore them! Live your life to its fullest...it's too short not to!

WOW - hope again. 2008 for me has already begun with hope. SO different for me then last year.

God Bless You!
Deb

[cagzmom]

People who are just having affairs don't usually act bipolar/borderline. Sure they make poor choices, etc... but the MLC sabotages all areas of his/her life.

Key word and very important in my eyes. SABOTAGE.