Ongoing affair, D papers filed, advice wanted

[SirPrizeMe]

Despite the advice of DBers everywhere, I committed three non-DB actions in one day.

First, I pointed out to W that OM was dating. She had brought up OM, and it came from that Surprise on me! She knew. She knew all about OM's new girlfriend. She also avows that while she and OM are still in contact, they are "just friends". (What a weird relationship!) I tend to believe this. Why would OM want W now? He is three states away. So the "soulmate for life" is no longer a soulmate I guess. That's good.

Second, I took the opportunity to also say that I knew she and OM had spent time together. She was again outraged that i was "checking up on her". But I explained that I was only learned of her activity inadvertently, having called the W of the OM because she and I both had a tough year, and I wanted to wish her the best. but really I was checking up on her. So that was booboo #2.

The third non-DB thing I did was to say, "if you spent half the effort on your family, that you do on OM, then we wouldn't be in this situation." To which she said nothing substantive. She repeated a list of my crimes in the marriage (It was a "toxic relationship", etc etc). I said, Ok, but what can I do today to make things better? She had nothing.

But later she gave me a list of counselors to go see. All of them were "counselors for perpetrators of domestic violence" which is not a group I am anxious to sign myself up for. But, I am willing to inquire, to look into it.

She suggested this action to me, in response to my specific request for something I can do TODAY. The alternative was to say "nothing. It's over. Face it. Talk to my lawyer." Instead she engaged. Maybe there is some hope.

I still think she needs to accept more responsibility, but ... for now I will gladly be the first to change, the first to stand for marriage.