Still hopeful for some pleasant surprises

[SirPrizeMe]

Hey, happy 2008 to all!
And Good luck to all DBers in 2008! Strength to you all as you stand for Marriage!

DH, thanks for the tip.

here is the latest in my saga....

Saturday I spoke with W on the phone, about my need to spend more quality time with the children. I asked for any ideas she had. (I have an idea - she could invite me back to the house, but I didn't want to suggest it. I want it to come from her). During that call W had a mini-tirade, regarding our marriage and what torture it was for her. I didn't bring up our relationship, she did. Pronounced it "Toxic" and so on. I was very empathetic mostly, though corrected her on some things she got factually wrong, like the motivations for us relocating, etc. (She said I had to move for my job but actually, we "together" discussed moving and made a joint decision to move. It doesn't hurt that incidentally, the discussion about moving house was a joint conversation where we were partners, discussed it together, etc.) Also I was mostly not defensive. When she raised her voice for an extended harangue that went on a little too long, I hung up on her. Too bad. I was interested in listening but not in getting yelled at.

I called back and left a message saying, I'm sorry this is so upsetting but we need to talk about it calmly and rationally. No call back as yet!

Went for a hike yday with the 4 kids. It was a nice day, I thought maybe a good way to start the year. I also had my godchild with me, a lovely lass of 4. So 5 kids all together. Picked up my 4 at the house where W stays.

My youngest D was wearing a new coat, one I did not recognize. "Where'd you get that?" I asked. Turns out it's a hand-me-down from the daughter of the OM. Oh, lovely. It had been in storage a while, and now it fits so my youngest is wearing it. Goody.

This got me thinking and somehow I concluded it would be good to point out to W that OM is dating other women. (I had learned this while speaking to OM's wife during the holidays, because I know her, and because we had both gone through a tough year. My understanding was that W and OM were still a "thing" though he is 3 states away.) Anyway, W responds very matter-of-factly, "I know" and then recites details of OM's romantic involvement with his new GF. Her name, how long they've been dating, etc.

Nine months ago, this was the man W loved so deeply, had a inner connection to, etc etc. When OM divorced his W, he stated "I don't love you, I love [Sir's Wife]". ok, well I guess that is a good sign that he has moved on, if I can believe it. I tend to believe it because I cannot see why OM would go for W, a mother of 4, three states away, when he has bar-bunnies to entertain him right near his own home.

So I will take the OM's new romantic directions as a small positive for my relationship with my W. On the other hand she is still talking to him. "I told you he will always be my friend," she reminded me. For now I will accept this.

I also pointed out that I was aware that W is still seeing OM - they visit with each other. Not sure what that is about, given they are separated by 3 states and not a romantic item. But whatever. Anyway, she let that pass without confirming or denying it. I then offered, "you know, if you put half the effort into your family, that you put into your relationship with OM, we wouldn't be in the situation we're in." (I know this is against all DB principles (Do not pursue) but my "maintain distance" approach wasn't really working, I felt. I got this vibe that she thought I did not care. )

She responded with a repitition of my crimes in the marriage - angry, abusive, etc. She then questioned, given this exchange we just had, whether I was mentally fit to go on a hike with the 5 kids? I told her (cheerily) that I was going to have fun! and I left with the kids on the hike.

When I got back from the hike, W had left a folder with a 2-page "Dear John" note, something she had written 6 weeks ago, when she filed D papers, explaining why she was doing it. She had written it (typed it) but never sent it. Now she was giving it to me, with a little handwritten note: "I guess it is finally the right time to give this to you." I'm not sure what is special about NOW, as opposed to then.

In the letter, she described her grievances, in general. Bottom line: I was an angry and emotionally abusive man, never happy, always trying to control her. And only now that I am out of the house does she see the light. Remember, this is from 6 weeks ago, before we had our pleasant (intimate) Christmas Eve, and before W visited with OM.

In the letter she also expressed lots of fear. She said she was scared I would hurt her or kill her or myself or the OM. Scared that I would "spin this all to make her look like the bad guy." But (the letter said) she was resolved to file D papers anyway, despite her fears. To me this is all unjustified fear... I've never talked about killing anyone, not even in a manner of speaking - like "oh, I could just kill him!" I had heard separately from another friend who has spoken to OM that OM is concerned I would "kill him." Again, I harbor no such desires or intentions. I have never said "I want to kill X" in the past, even as a habit of speaking, when I felt injured or wronged. W and OM are cooking this fear up on their own.

Looking back, her fears were unfounded... But it does show W's state of mind.

Incidentally, I do recall a dinner, the last dinner I had at the house with W and the kids, before D papers and locks being changed, where W said of someone who had "flipped her off" in traffic - those people don't deserve to be alive. I was taken aback by this, and in response to my raised eyebrows, she re-iterated her position - as far as she was concerned, they don't deserve to live. Wow! I let the matter drop.

Anyway, accompanying the letter she included a list of counselors that offer Domestic Violence programs, with a couple of them circled, suggesting I try them. One of them was noted, "highly recommended by a woman I know whose husband went through this and changed." (This is a woman she met through a battered women support group. Is there a leap from "Emotional Abuse" to Battered Women? I don't know. Anyway, the woman and her H are now reconciled I think).

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My take on all this:

• {*]Woohoo! Super! She is reaching out to me. Yes, I instigated the whole thing by bringing up OM. But she responded by stating her complaints with me. This I take as GOOD. And, what's more, she included a suggestion for getting help - going to domestic violence counseling. leave aside for a moment whether I *agree* or acknowledge that I am a perpetrator of DV. The point is she is making a suggestion of me. Great.
• I still feel like she is not shouldering her share of the responsibility for our R. For "us" to work out, she needs to pick up her end of the rope. But in any case, she is not entirely disengaged from the R.

I spoke with an attorney who advised me that 1. going to a DV program is not an admission of guilt, and 2. would not reflect badly upon me in a custody dispute. So I am going to inquire, and maybe enroll in one of them.

My first reaction was "Perpetrator of Domestic Violence??!?!!" but I put aside my ego. My attitude is, whatever it takes. What's the worst that could happen? Maybe I will learn that my conduct in the marriage really was emotionally abusive. I never physically hurt anyone, we jointly stopped spanking the kids 8 years ago. I've never struck my wife, or threated (neither verbally nor physically implied threats with a raised hand, etc). But maybe my other conduct was no good. I still am inclined to think this is more of the same, more avoidance on her part and unwillingness to accept responsibility. But... I'm willing to expend the effort. And maybe my willingness to go to DV counseling will allow her to see I am willing to change, maybe provide the opening for her to accept some responsibility on her own.

I am hopeful that this is the start of her opening up. I have been hopeful before, and was disappointed, but I remain hopeful, even now.

I sent her a short response saying,

Thanks for the note. I read the papers you left in my car but I haven't had time to think about it completely yet. I see you were in a bad situation, and the marriage was unhealthy for you. I regret that this was true for you; in my true heart it is not how I wanted to be for you. If you like, we can talk more about it.

I am going to have to be thoughtful in responding further to her letter. I think maybe next week I will have had time to put together a couple sentences further validating her concerns and stating that I am looking into, or maybe starting, the DV counseling.

At the same time my attorney is drafting a letter on my behalf to start the "temporary orders" conversation about financial matters. The upshot is that all of my paycheck goes to her, currently, and none to me. Because I am also out of the house, I don't see the kids. In the temp orders, we'll need to split the money more equitably, which will allow me to rent a place, but will mean some financial hardship for her (moving house, getting a job, etc). So I am trying to be nice on the relationship side and let my attorney be firm on the legal/logistics side.

No real questions here, but if any of you has any insight to offer, I'd appreciate it, as always.

I feel like I am living the PMA, but not sure if it is blind-stupid optimism, or just good old fashioned positive thinking.

To all, if you've read this far, thank you. Stay well.