I have carefully considered what you have written, along with what mc said in reply. I have decided this:
Telling the kids that the divorce is a unilateral decision is not pointing out a fault of my wife. There will be no finger pointing, no gloating, no chest-thumping. Just statements of fact.
My boys are 14.5 & 11. As members of the family that is being destroyed, they are entitled to know. I therefore, have decided that the right thing to do would be to tell them the truth, regardless of how ugly it is.
Please don't take me wrong. I have no kids. But being the older children of a couple who's had hard times and still are happly together I can say I did not know them why my parents wouldn't want us to take sides when they were the ones that teached us about values. I guess the most valuable thing I've learned from them is to have mercy for others so we can have it on ourselves too. They knew then a valuable lesson that I wish I could have known before. What's between a couple, it's private. There's a line on being a parent and being a person. You can't mix both missions. I guess they were trying to say things can be Ok again, even though it's not our idea of Ok,but they wouldn't taunt me with their hard times. they wanted me to learn it by myself as none can have the same life and the same mistakes. So I am glad they have given me the chance of seeing the world through rosy glasses and take my own conclusion. I can say to you I can truly understand them now. May be if they have not give me the choice of doing it I'd not fight for my M.
Mark, It appears as though I'll be heading down the same path as you. I've posted much more in the past, but my W found my ID and I stopped posting to avoid creating any conflicts. It doesn't matter any more though. We are through. Here's a quick review of the last few weeks.
OM's wife contacted me 11/20 to tell me that W and OM were still on contact. After some long discussions, both of them committed to not seeing each other any more. Weeks go by. W and I have some discussions about keeping things 'normal' through the holidays. We had Retrouvaille scheduled for Jan 18th, so we would stay cordial until then and see if the weekend provided any hope for the future. If not, we would then work on separating. Things seemed to start sliding a bit and W got more distant. I did the anti DB thing and snooped. I found much more than I really wanted to see. I found a computer file of Skype logs between the two of them. It confirmed that they had never ended their contact after both of them promised. It also provided pretty explicit details of their affair. After this, I confronted her several times asking if she had been talking to him, but didn't reveal the information I had. She absolutely denied any contact. Based on this new information and the continuing lies, I visited my lawyer the week before Christmas and got the paperwork moving. I felt that I had made the right decision and was at the point where I was detached and looking forward to the new year. She should be served within two weeks. She was unaware that I had filed.
So that put me at about the point where you are now. So this morning I read your recent post and was going to respond with a positive story.
Last night after sleeping in the spare room for about two weeks, the W comes into our bedroom and wakes me at around midnight. She wants to sleep in our bed. I agree and notice that she seems to be crying. I ask her what is up and she tells me that she is unsure of what she is doing. She hates to see how the WAS's are criticized on this board and she doesn't want to be that type of person. She wants to be happy and to see me happy. She wants to see the family stay together. After talking for awhile, we end up ML. First time in five long months. It's great, and now I think that things have really taken a turn for the better. But what to do about filing???
Unfortunately, I didn't have to worry about that aspect too long. We just had a talk tonight. I asked why she had come into the bedroom. She told me that it was because the holidays had been rough and she just wanted some affection. I told her that I had filed. I told her that we could really give our R a shot, or let the filing go through. I told her that I knew that she had still been in contact with OM. She denied it. I told her that I had evidence. She denied it. I mentioned several specific things from the message log. She denied it. Finally, I told her how I knew. That I had found the logs. She got angry. So here I am. I am done also. I told her that she will be served sometime next week and that we need to talk to the kids about it. What should we tell them, she asked.
Just the truth...
Mommy doesn't love Daddy anymore and she wants to get divorced. It was nothing that you kids did wrong. We both still love you and will always be your parents. We just won't live together.
Mark, You've been a great source of inspiration to many people on these boards. Just know that I'm walking the same path as you and we will be just fine. I've already made a great list of 2008 resolutions and am looking forward to a great year.
Recent events have steeled my resolve for a divorce. Like Freddie said, I just gotta get out of this prison cell.
I have mentioned in the past, but not recently, that her father is a flight instructor who is giving me flying lessons. We were on a bit of a sabbatical for a while. I just sent him an email requesting a resumption in this GAL. I am prepared to throw myself into this activity with aplomb. I want this, and I'm going to get it.
In the event we resume, it will be difficult to not drop some line like, "I sure am glad that you are on the side of our marriage and working through all of this. It means a lot to me..."
Don't go up in a plane with someone you are emotionally involved with and where there could be loyalties in question. I think her father, as a professional instructor, would be silly to take you up.
I don't mean to be mean by saying that - I just think it is not the most sensible thing in the world to be doing at the moment.
I wish somehow there was a way to diminish the pain of betrayal etc but blood is thicker than water. In my situation I had always been the one to keep the contact going with H's family, and even though they were supportive and H and I are still together, the dynamics have changed. Between one reason and another I now leave all contact between H's family and us upto my H. I don't refuse contact with his family, (apart from one section for other reasons), and I don't try to stop full contact between my children and H and his family. However, I no longer initiate like I used to. Our house used to be where everyone met up for family gatherings etc - I am not willing to put myself out for these things any longer - my sanity is way more important.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I don't understand. What's the downside? Tell me a worst-case-scenario. I see no downside. Upside? I am here to "earn my ticket." Nothing more.
This is my GAL extraordinaire. This is what I want to do. The time is now. This is a huge challenge for me, and I look forward to succeeding and reaching my goal.
Unfortunately, until recently, most of my GAL's have involved alcohol - mostly spending time at the local watering hole (pub). I know, I should involve the kids.... well, last night, I took #3 out to dinner... at my local watering hole!!! (hey, it was KID'S NIGHT!!).
Damn. That's it in a nutshell. Something about the nice guy I guess. Don't know. I'm not a pushover but I also don't treat my wife like crap. There has to be somewhere in between (which I thought I was) that she needs.
Run Forrest, run!
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Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
