Oh it hurts....I thought I was doing what I wanted to do today by staying at home and vegetating on here.
Now it's nearly 7pm. The in-laws are an hour late getting here (FIL is brining MIL to help with d6 while I work Wed, Thur and Fri) and it's now that I'm getting itchy feet to go out.
h just rang to say he's having a bbq and d6 hasn't eaten yet so he'll bring her round afterwards. he asked what I did today and I said not much...just surfed the net. He said "is that all?" in a shocked sort of way that makes me think he'll be feeling bad that I was all alone today. And now I feel sad that I WAS all alone today.
Most of my friends are away and I didn't have any plans firmed up for today because I wasn't sure whether h was having d for sure until he confirmed Sunday evening. So I didn't really have time to go round begging other people to buy in on their celebrations. I honestly thought I would like to be on my own. I did mean to go to the movies by myself, but I can't really afford it especially seeing as I took d6 to watch the Golden Compass last night and she insisted we leave after the first half hour (I think it scared her) so that blew nearly thirty bucks.
It sucks...h is throwing money around on his personal trainers wage (which isn't much but he doesn't have many expenses) while I'm struggling to have money left over at the end of the month and I'm a professional in the mining industry. He bought snorkeling sets for us on Sunday. He's going sky diving in a couple of weeks (the w/e he's supposed to be having d6) and could afford to give me $330 in gift vouchers for Christmas.
I just want him to commit and offer to help pay for d6's expenses like vacation care. farrrrrk.
I don't want him back but I feel so alone and pathetic. I feel like I have to chase other people to get included in on their plans and because h doesn't confirm plans till one or two days beforehand I don't have enough time to plan my own stuff. It just seems a pattern that if I communicate that I have plans something always comes up that means his plans change and therefore mine have to also. I'm sick of it. I know what I need to do in order to pin him down...I've tried several times, we just end up in a big fight.
Lissie had a H leave her with a few kids. They just got divorced and her X is with OW.
A lady in MLC BrandNewDay had 8 kids and H left for a year woke up and came back. She is not pregnant with #9. She is one tough cookie.
On being alone. It took me two + years to be happy doing things by myself. Being by yourself is a learned behavior and the learning does not come easy or fast.
For you it may take much less time. I was triple whammeyed by returning from a conflict zone to a inposed divorce and given the option to move away from my d13 or retire from my civillian job. No sympathy I made choices to get into that fine mess. However I'd rather eat broken glass than repeat that process again.
Yesterday was the date X and I were Married and I spent it on the Pacific coast looking for whales. Shamu says howdy to his mates down under. Anyway doing things previously was difficult at best unless it involved physical effort and total concentration so I forgot about the situation. Now I don't think about it but that simply took lots of time where the emotional catches up with the intellectual.
You are going through many emotional changes and frankly I do not know the extent but I firmly believe the Left Behind Spouse goes through physical changes. See " Sudden Divorce Syndrom in Men" posted on this forum earlier this month. I believe both sexes can be impacted by the physical ramifications of a breakup.
Willing yourself not to feel blue or trying things as you did does not instantly cure the heartache but it's walking in the right direction. Working out is one of the best things you can do and having men sneak looks as you walk away displaying the results is a plus for the Positive Mental Aditude. Good for you.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
I needed to set boundaries with my ex-wife. She was making plans, and not telling me about them at all, to do things on weekends with one or two, but never all three kids at once. More than once she showed up to take one of the kids somewhere as I was putting dinner on the table. It kept my plans in limbo.
I told her that on one particular weekend none of the kids would be available to go anywhere or do anything with her. The following weekend all three would be available, but a week after that, none of them would be available. Then I made sure we weren't around.
I had to change the locks after I started that, too. But the alternative was to keep living around her schedule. That wasn't going to work for us. It probably doesn't work well for you and your kids to work around your husband's changing schedules, either.
Do you know what you'll be doing for your son's birthday?
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
CMC, long timey no seey. Sorry you are struggling so much with emotions and money. Been there too....it sucks.
I used to sit around waiting for H to make a plan or decide what to do. If or when I finally was included in what it was it was devastating to find out it was usually to find out his plans didn't include me! So there I sat, steaming mad at myself for being duped yet again. I changed that for myself. It was so hard because I always felt like I would be hurting someone else if I took care of me first. I guess that's a woman thing? Make your plans as you need to do and then be proactive and let your H know the scoop, and he can schedule around you. With kid involved you may need to flex it sometimes but don't let yourself get knocked around. You are as important as anyone!!
GAL? no money? there's tons of free stuff, it's warm there now right? GET OFF THE WEB and get outside and soak up some rays. Sun will make you feel better. Go to the library. Volunteer at the animal shelter. Volunteer at the kids school. Get involved with community services. Put in OT at work.
Quote:
I don't want him back but I feel so alone and pathetic.
This sounds like you are trying to convince yourself you don't want him back. Are you sure of your statement? Are you full of anger and resentment? "Alone and pathetic" is not attractive to see or be. Pick yourself up CMC. Get up and get going. Get yourself "together and strong".
BTW, BND in MLC is not pregnant with her 9th, she 'adopted' a longtime daughter type friend. And technically I think Lissie is D'ing in Jan 08 due to tax return filing benefits. Both have made huge strides in changing their lives.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Oooweee WCW, that would have to be the understatement of 2007.
Now that it's 2008, something needs to be done about it. It takes far too much energy to stay angry and I'm not good at it anyway. I just don't want to be doormatty again, difficult to balance the attitude of assertive vs aggressive.
Joe, I've got a little girl (6 yo). Her b'day is in June so thankfully I've got some time.
h got peeved that I gave him a parenting plan. He seems to feel it's equivalent to divorce papers. I just don't get it. I need the structure and the planning ahead. I can't continue on this semi flexible arrangement that doesn't feel like it considers my needs at all. Picking d up at lunch time on Saturday and returning her at lunchtime Sunday isn't my idea of quality time and doesn't give me much time out. I'm not a party animal and finances are tight. I can't afford to go out to GAL a lot but I'm sick of being at home. Most of my real life friends are either away on holidays, at work, or flat out with their own kids.
I was sooo close to changing the locks a couple of weeks ago but then h bought back the internet cables and seems to not be as angry anymore. I'm the one who's acting angry.
Ho Hill,
Hiya Shamu (is that a whale?). We saw dolphins on Boxing Day. WAaay cool.
The physical changes I need to go through involve losing 6 kg (to be 73kg - I'm 5ft8 or 5ft9) and getting back to a size 12 (Australian sizing - don't know the Yank equivalent). Like I posted on your thread, I got to a different gym this morning but will need to consistently do it for a week to feel better.
Ooops. I guess the S date (29/01/2007) was for separation, not for son.
You want physical changes, then get out like WCW suggested and get some sun and air. It'll make exercising go that much more smoothly. I took my daily walk today in temps that were around 0� C, with winds around 35-40 kph so I could let the sunlight reach my retinas. It wasn't the most pleasant time I've had outdoors, but it did brighten my afternoon to get some natural light and a bit of exercise. Plus, shivering is extra exercise. But seriously, it doesn't cost membership fees to walk, or run, if you're into running.
Changing the locks is a step toward "more separate" lives, but that doesn't mean it's moving toward divorce. My own take is that having a sexual relationship with a person other than your spouse is moving toward divorce. You need to know for yourself what is and isn't acceptable. Standing for your marriage is one thing. Being walked on is something else. Only you know when it's past the standing stage.
Hey, you could go swimming. Are there jellyfish at the beaches down there? There were none here yesterday.
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
No jellyfish here! Though I grew up in the country so I prefer to swim in a pool (so I can see where I am swimming and there ain't no sharks). I do like the beach but the salt water gets to my eyes way quick. I wore goggles on my (very short) ocean water swim last sunday with our water polo coach adn that was very good. I'm just not keen going swimming in the ocean on my own.
h has said that because we are separated, it makes it ok for him to have another relationship. Plus I 'obviously don't want him' so he will 'take what he can get, where he can get it'. these were phrases from a month-plus ago, but as far as I am concerned, they still stand because he is still seeing her.
He says facing the parenting plan is difficult for him to deal with (emotionally). Fair enough but I need to get some firm things put in place. He dances around it all EVERY single time.
It kept my plans in limbo.
But seriously, it doesn't cost membership fees to walk, or run, if you're into running.