I believe that a person who has an affair is trying to fill some void that is missing. As archived posts talk about, MLC is routed in bigger problems. I think that where a MLC affair is different than the average affair is how "big" the void is and/or the "depth" of the void. I think affairs in a crisis is just part of a bigger problem, so the void is "bigger" than an average person.
For example, my husband is having an affair. But, if he ended it with her right this minute and wanted to come back to me, I wouldn't accept that. The reason being is that the affair was part of a bigger problem and I wouldn't believe that we would truly be able to work on our marriage until H started dealing with his own childhood wounds and identity issues.
Also, my opinion on MLC affairs is that H thinks he is finding an "answer" with OW. But, the fact of the matter is that H has bigger issues that will follow him for the rest of his life unless he finally deals with them.
That is why I tend to think that MLC affairs will too eventually end, I just think it may take longer for it to fall apart.
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
Thanks for all that have responded to this thread. It's nice to have everyone's insight.
I just wanted to highlight something Laughing posted:
Quote:
It's not equal, it's not accepting, it's completely conditional.
I think this is so true. I think my H "conditioned" the ow into what he thinks a lover should be. Now she has to live up to those conditions. Well, I wish her luck!
If he thinks he wasn't happy but thinks he knows what will make him happy, then that is what he will try to turn her into. She will try at first. At some point she will begin to repeat his original mantras.
What about me? When do I get to be happy? When do I get my turn?
He will miss her when she is gone, almost as much as she will miss herself while she is there.
W2S, this is what I would like to know. I mean she has to be on top of everything because he went to her to vent about our M so she gets a heads up on how she is supposed to be. She gets to act out his fantasy. But, come on, isn't sooner or later she going to want something for herself out of this R? I would like to think she will eventually make demands, but so far 2 years down the road I don't think she has yet.
Mrs. H, My exH had his first affair after we had just celebrated our 10th anniversary. He was very sorry for his "mistake"....said he just needed to know he still "had 'it'"....needed to boost his ego is what it boiled down to. The woman he had the affair w/ was older than him, divorced, and raising 2 teenagers. She could barely make ends meet financially and thought she had herself quite a catch. I held onto him, and the marriage, thinking I could forgive and move on...I was wrong. I could never allow myself to fully trust him....w/good reason, as it turns out.
Fast forward another 10, almost 11, years. Exh is now giving me the infamous speech...telling me he loves me; but, he's not in love w/ me....that he's not sure what he wants, he just needs some time alone to sort his feelings out...He doesn't want anyone else. (You know the rest.) He moves out and I am devastated. After a couple of months, I finally realize that he is not the man I used to love and certainly not the man I want to spend the rest of my life w/. I move on w/ my life, meet Bill, and begin on the journey of true love and happiness. ExH sees the changes in me and decides he wants to come home. Bill & I end our relationship and I attempt a reconciliation w/ex...only to find out a month later that he has been living w/ his boss lady the whole time!
I can honestly say I think I have experienced both forms of an affair. I believe the first affair my exH had was just what he said it was....a chance for him to see if he still "had 'it'"...of course, the "it" he had was bullsh$t at its finest. The second affair he had I believe was the result of a MLC. I say that only because in the years leading up to the affair, he got a tattoo, bought a boat (for the family, of course), and bought an H3.
Now, I am a year and a half post-bomb...my d is final. I am in love w/ a wonderful man and we are engaged to be married in June. I have come to like the woman/person that I am and I am very happy w/ my life. And, I know that no matter what, I am going to be ok.
Mrs. H, YOU are going to be ok, too! 2008 is a new year w/ lots of new opportunities...Explore them! Live your life to its fullest...it's too short not to! And, know that you are in my thoughts and prayers!
interesting thread I still dont know if my H is having a A he left in june denies OW..says he doesnt want D I sense there is someone but I havent snooped and I dont know how imporatnt she is I believe my H is in MLC also I know of 4 other woman personally who have dealt with MLC H all had A all stayed at home, but threatened to leave all M are together now I know of one 15 years ago a man left wife(NO KIDS) married secreatary 20 years younger they are still M with 2 kids he recently needed bypass surgery-almost died he is 55
I also agree with what others have said and see it in my H they are searching for happiness or something that they couldnt find in themselves They blame spouse for their unhappiness they seek happiness thru another R wont work..it can only be found within in the books ive read by jim conway..he says the MLC A alwyas affairs down I think affairing down has to do with morals of OP..not what they do or make for a living who would date a M man or woman- would You? Conway says OP is usually very needy and fills a void like a vacuum in eachother he says the A are always the same,,they meet at some common place (work) she is initially pleasing and non demanding but as time goes on all that changes just my 2 cents peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I think the part that makes this a MLC affair vs. just a plain affair is the irrational thinking and the insane actions.
People who are just having affairs don't usually act bipolar/borderline. Sure they make poor choices, etc... but the MLC sabotages all areas of his/her life.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
People who are just having affairs don't usually act bipolar/borderline. Sure they make poor choices, etc... but the MLC sabotages all areas of his/her life.
I so agree with this. My H acts bipolar. I have said all along you never know which H you are going to talk to...Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
