thanks grislen and utterly btw, grislen ~ no offense taken... (i was just po'd at the world)
utterly, i really do think that's really, really, really good advice and something i think i'd be comfortable with, too...
just work on the future...
i know what happened with both of these outbursts
i voiced discontent (it's hard, reading all these S/H books, one says voice all resentments so they don't fester & grow, the other says, well... what you said)
it hurts my feelings and disheartens me with respect to my future in this R if H is gonna "lose it" when I voice discontent. is this the way it will always be? will it be like it was before, where it was not often safe for me to feel discontentment?
anyway, i guess what i have to do (i have been trying, btw, just slipping here and there) is to keep looking forward...
to stop looking at my R in the context of what happened before...
Charcoal, It's been crazy at home but good. The latest....XOW was forced to resign from pre school last week!!! H heard it from a mutual friend who said xow said it was due to drug issues and used the words they finally forced me to resign. Wow!!! kip
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
it's softening like rock candy in the sun on the sidewalk three hours past dawn each moment colder than the next the hex of Malificent's Garden protects Sleeping Beauty from True Love's first kiss her vengance like a baby's wail so quickly sated by whispered kisses "There, there"
well, one time I did... it was funny for both of us (i think!?!)
h kept saying "what else, and what else, ok, what else..."
boy, that felt good....
it didn't change anything, but it was kind of funny... for me, anyway...
~
yesterday, D4 was being a little brat and H was getting mad beyond what I call self control, cussing and threatening... that sort of stuff... H asked me what I would do and I told him...
i feel like i left H feeling inadequate. i told him that I am not perfect, and that I do the same thing he did sometimes, i just told him what works for me and what specifically he did that mad ME mad... the threats (being abused as a kid it really scares me even though i know the threats are "empty')
anyway, if anyone has any advice in ways to voice discontent... or just ideas to experiment with, i'd love to hear them.
Charcoal, What are you doing now? Can you give us an example or two of something you might say to him? Is there a particular time of the day or week that you find yourself approaching him with these things? Are you ever his cheerleader? When you catch him doing something you like do you shower him with praise? Do you praise him when he does something you like even if he didn't do it exactly the way you might have? Do you think if somebody impartial asked him about this, he'd say that nothing he does is ever good enough?
A dream it's true
But I'd see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you
-Band:Phish Song:Waste
what am I doing now? i'm not doing much of anything. i'm uhhhh...
uhhhh....
okay, so my example above... i got an email this morning thanking me for not yelling at him... so, i think i did a better job at containing the condescending instructor in me, i held my tongue when the thought of referring my H to one of the many books on child rearing and discipline i've read, i didn't tell him he was doing what his parents did to him...
i was nicer, and self-deflating, and i didn't stay mad after i voiced what made me mad, i didn't punish and i pretty much forgot about it
but, this is a small thing...
There are bigger things. They are about H "working on himself". This is a realm in which I have little or no control. I have a strong desire for H to do the things I want him to do, but they are for him. For instance, 12 Step meetings....
H says he'll go to however many I want him to. I say, if he wants to go, he'll go. He asked me tonight "what if I go to 3 a week?" I held up my hand and said "not answering that one".
It's my thinking that if he goes for me, he wont learn and might even become resentful at me for making him go. I dont want him to go for me. I want him to go for him.
I also want H to go to individual counseling. I want him to find his own therapist, make his own appointments, pay his own co-pays. I want HIM to do it. That will be a sign to me that his promises to work on this M aren't empty. (oooh, that kinda sounds like a goal, doesn't it?)
Now see, me just saying that, knowing he'll read it makes it "fueled by charcoal" and not by MAT and that's not right.
I say to myself... "yeah, we'll see what happens here". This has been the BIG issue for me in our R. HUGE. THE BIG ONE.
I don't feel like it's my place to demand he go or not. I used to, to no avail, but I think I need to let H control this part of his life. (However, we all suffer as his issues affect all of our lives.)
As for praise... why does that make me uncomfortable??? I don't praise H for much anymore. I used to be his cheerleader and was told that I just didn't understand.
H was in a bad way at the time and didn't see that I saw the good in him. I think at the time H was being SO hard on himself that he just couldn't accept praise. So, I stopped.
I don't catch him doing something "I like", like you said and praise him for it. That makes me uncomfortable even thinking about it. But, having been said now, I'll process it, run some experiments and monitor the results.
I think you're right about him saying he doesn't do anything right. I have to change (my part of) that.
Charcoal, you two have been thru so very much.... how about getting H a card telling him that even though you don't verbally tell him your proud of him, that you do see the changes and are hopeful for the future??? Or one of your amazing poems?? Or a hot bubble bath?
it will come together...
kip
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
btw, grislen ~ no offense taken... (i was just po'd at the world) 