Confusion of a WAW (Thread 5)

[lizzy]

Sorry about the big bag of suck Brit. My H was very withdrawn the last couple of days. I'm guessing that w/ the New Year the WAS are trying to think. I'm speculating that their confusion is just swirling around in their heads. Maybe that is why your W lied about being w/ the OM. Wow watching a movie at his house, wait his MOM'S house. I am guessing that W didn't have much fun at all. My h left on NYeve at 8 and I have no idea where or what he did. H was so sick that night that I'm assuming he just went somewhere and slept.

Now you know me well by now Brit and you know I make more than my share of mistakes. But it does seem to me like you have been contacting W more and more lately. I agree with you that it is time to lay off. I'm glad you sent the e=mail to you instead of W.

As for the journals, I admit I would have done the same. One thing I read into it is that it is confirmation that your W's problems are much deeper than your R. She really needs a lot of help and she isn't getting that yet.

Sorry about the big bag of suck Brit. My H was very withdrawn the last couple of days. I'm guessing that w/ the New Year the WAS are trying to think. I'm speculating that their confusion is just swirling around in their heads. Maybe that is why your W lied about being w/ the OM. Wow watching a movie at his house, wait his MOM'S house. I am guessing that W didn't have much fun at all. My h left on NYeve at 8 and I have no idea where or what he did. H was so sick that night that I'm assuming he just went somewhere and slept.

I have no idea what is going on with my W - On one hand she is very thoughtful and affectionate with me. On the other, she hasn't been talking to me much recently and has been keeping to herself a lot. We are really out of routine with D, plus we've not been doing our usual dinner evenings together. Not sure if we'll get back on track with that or not. Tonight is usually my night with D, but W is going to take her instead.

This morning I decided to go and get D from W's house because the weather is bad. W would have to drive 25miles south to daycare, then 25 miles north to her office - Probably a 3hr round trip in the snow. I called W about 6:30 and told her I was on my way to get D - She was still pretty sleepy, so just said 'okay'. When I got there D was ready for school, but W looked like she had just crawled out of bed. I ended up cleaning the snow off W's car and helping her get a few things together since I had some extra time.

I spent some time playing with D, but W was really quiet. Hug/kiss/ILY when I left. Seems like she's got an awful lot on her mind recently. I don't get why she's so cold with me sometimes, but will grab my butt when I leave her house, or initiate hugs and kisses when we're together.

Now you know me well by now Brit and you know I make more than my share of mistakes. But it does seem to me like you have been contacting W more and more lately. I agree with you that it is time to lay off. I'm glad you sent the e=mail to you instead of W.

I think it goes along with the whole "do what works" - Right now, talking to her doesn't yield a very positive result, so I'm going to back off a lot. It's hard, because we usually talk all the time - Even until last week. Seems like something happened on Monday that made her really clam up. She was fine during the day, but when we went to her parents in the evening, she didn't say a word. Hour long journey in the car each way - Usually we talk a lot on that trip. That night - pretty much dead silence.

I maybe was contacting W too much, but they were always very positive, so I didn't see the harm in it. Maybe I over did it at some point.

As for the journals, I admit I would have done the same. One thing I read into it is that it is confirmation that your W's problems are much deeper than your R. She really needs a lot of help and she isn't getting that yet.

Absolutely - She's been suffering from depression for as long as she can remember, but never did anything about it. While she is on anti-depressants right now, she has said a few times that she doesn't feel they have any real effect beyond 'taking the edge' off it. We'll see what happens with it all - I don't think she goes back to her psych until mid-Feb.

I think I need to reassess my DB'ing - What I was doing was nice while it lasted. W and I were having a good time together, and it was all very consistent. I guess it just wasn't going to work long-term. Maybe it's time to get the book out again and try to do something different and see what happens.

I have a hard time believing that my W will file for anything (she didn't file legal separation like she said she was going to), so at least I have time on my side right now.

[Just_Me]

Brit,

I just want you to consider one thing: Does your wife's behavior/attitude have anything to do with you?

When you wrote about your wife's silence and all that, you wondered if you were pushing too hard. You wondered whether you should do something different. Fair enough, but I'd be willing to bet that whatever is on her mind isn't about you. I might not bet much, but I'd bet. I can't tell you how many times I was wrong to think I knew my wife's mind. But even if I was right, focusing too much on her doesn't really help. It keeps you locked in your wife's world. You are swirling around her rather than following your own heart. I think it wouldn't hurt to take a day or two off from her. Maybe get away to see a friend and have some fun. Just a thought.

I personally think it has to do with this OM. She lied to you buddy when she was actually seeing this guy. Does she know you are aware it was a lie? I would wonder if her response is a mix of guilt and also just thinking about this guy. Until he's completely out of the picture, you won't get past the final hurdle. You've usually downplayed the relationship to me, but from personally experience I think it's possible for your spouse to have divided interests. I can't help but feel that right now you are the guy she's keeping around, with hugs, kisses, and ILYs if necessary (although she obviously has feelings for you), while still wondering what-could-have-beens about this other guy. That's just my impression. When she gets over this little infatuation, which is only strengthened because he's young, more unobtainable than you (face it Brit, you are a given), and maybe more mysterious, I think there won't be so much foot-dragging about coming back to you.

I just want you to consider one thing: Does your wife's behavior/attitude have anything to do with you?

Most likely not - She has typically been pretty vocal when I'm doing something wrong, or pushing her too much. We were very into hugging/kissing/ILY back in October, and she told me that the 'romantic stuff makes me uncomfortable'. Not had any of that recently - She wasn't too excited about me touching her boobs one night, but she didn't get mad

When you wrote about your wife's silence and all that, you wondered if you were pushing too hard. You wondered whether you should do something different. Fair enough, but I'd be willing to bet that whatever is on her mind isn't about you. I might not bet much, but I'd bet. I can't tell you how many times I was wrong to think I knew my wife's mind. But even if I was right, focusing too much on her doesn't really help. It keeps you locked in your wife's world. You are swirling around her rather than following your own heart. I think it wouldn't hurt to take a day or two off from her. Maybe get away to see a friend and have some fun. Just a thought.

I totally agree - I actually felt a great deal of relief when I read your post. After this morning I decided not to talk to my W anymore - If she wanted to talk to me, I would, but I wouldn't initiate contact with her. Did pretty well all day until about 10 minutes ago when she IM's me to let me know she still sick and she has a bad cough... No idea why she decided to tell me that - I've seen her every other day for the last two weeks and she's coughed all those times

Weird thing just happened - W called asking if she could pick up her new insurance card from me (we share insurance through my work), because she needs to refill her antidepressant prescription. I told her where it was at my house and that she could just go and get it. She seemed really disappointed when she found out I wasn't home already. Weird.

I personally think it has to do with this OM. She lied to you buddy when she was actually seeing this guy. Does she know you are aware it was a lie? I would wonder if her response is a mix of guilt and also just thinking about this guy. Until he's completely out of the picture, you won't get past the final hurdle. You've usually downplayed the relationship to me, but from personally experience I think it's possible for your spouse to have divided interests. I can't help but feel that right now you are the guy she's keeping around, with hugs, kisses, and ILYs if necessary (although she obviously has feelings for you), while still wondering what-could-have-beens about this other guy. That's just my impression. When she gets over this little infatuation, which is only strengthened because he's young, more unobtainable than you (face it Brit, you are a given), and maybe more mysterious, I think there won't be so much foot-dragging about coming back to you.

OM is definitely a significant factor - Whether it is a private obsession, friendship or something more, the once instance when she was physically removed from him after a 'fight' for a week she actually wanted to work on our M. Came home crying on a Friday afternoon, told me she "I wish I loved you like I used to" and went off to TX for a week for work. Came back "Not sure what our R is right now, but I want to take it slow". Told me she missed me and that she wanted us to separate, but still 'date'. Lasted about 3 days until she was back at work with him, then she totally fell apart and yelled and screamed at me for about a week before we kind of leveled out to where we are. Of course, we basically do everything she wanted us to do - Do dinner together, spend days on the weekend together, go out to movies or whatever together. Wonder what would happen if I asked her out to a movie and for D to stay at the IL's for a night. Maybe I'll do that just for the hell of it.

I just need to stick it out until the OM thing dies off. No idea what a 21yr old would find interesting about a 35yr old with a kid. Of course, my W acts like she's 25 recently when she's not around me.

Tonight I'm going over to a friend's for dinner - Need to get out of the house and be around people for a change. Friend is a girl, but there's nothing going on there. I've got no intentions at all to start dating or getting involved with anyone.

[lizzy]

Glad to hear you are having dinner w/ a friend. Doesn't seem like something you do much. I should talk! I have a book club luncheon w/ friends tomorrow and I know I'm looking forward to it. At a time like this nothing beats being w/ friends. I think the time away from W will do both of you good.

Glad to hear you are having dinner w/ a friend. Doesn't seem like something you do much. I should talk! I have a book club luncheon w/ friends tomorrow and I know I'm looking forward to it. At a time like this nothing beats being w/ friends. I think the time away from W will do both of you good.

I had an awesome time tonight - Didn't get home until a few moments ago. We drank a bottle of wine between us, so I'm still pretty buzzed!! I had a really good discussion with my friend, so that helped a lot - We used to work together, so she knows me really well, plus she knows W too. She thinks she's heading down the MLC route, based upon her 'need for independence', but who knows. She also said that W sounds like she's as much as a train wreck as all of the friends W has too. It was interesting - I didn't talk in absolute positives or negatives about W tonight. I talked about the bad things she is doing, but also the positive aspects. Being out tonight was a total 180 for me. Probably not done that since before D was born - Almost 2 years ago. Actually, last time I had dinner with this particular friend was when W was 6-7mo pregnant. Don't recall doing much with other people since then. Guess I need more friends...

I didn't talk to W at all tonight, and I'm not going to. Decided that I need to just let her do her own thing for a while. Maybe she'll start to miss me again or something.

Going to head to bed and start re-reading DR. Things have been good, but I've lost the 'edge' of DBing. Need to brush up.

[JennyF]

Going to head to bed and start re-reading DR. Things have been good, but I've lost the 'edge' of DBing. Need to brush up.

I feel the exact same way Brit. It's easy to get caught up and lose site of the basics.
I just read a post by Mom of 2 and she told me that the DB coaching sessions have helped her a ton. Have you done them? I'm considering it but the expense has me on the fence.
J~

[craig54]

jenny, i just had one last week, you can do 1 at a time. 150.00each, i could not afford to all three at one time. it is worth the time and money, i got some great advice. solid things to do. my 2 cents

[john210]

Craig how long are the sessions?

[lizzy]

Glad you had a good evening Brit. I need to expand my circle of friends too. Mine are all "happily" married w/ kids so they aren't much into going out for any fun. Makes me wonder hope happily married everyone is since H and I seemed to be such the perfect match.