It seems to often be most effective to combine "R talking" with "R doing"!
Should you start having more talks so you'll get to feeling closer together so you'll feel like doing more stuff together, or do you start doing more stuff together so you'll feel closer together so you'll have more talks?! Or, a combination of the two?
What struck me in your post was this....
But, when H asks if I want to do something, I ask him what he means, if he has anything in mind, and he says, "no".
it's like: "i dunno, what do you wanna do" "i dunno, what do YOU wanna do"
It might be time to make plans on things that the two of you can enjoy doing together. Maybe writing down a bunch of small activities you can share on small pieces of paper, and when times like the one above come up, pull one of the papers out of the hat, and just do it!!
Here is a nifty checklist of some recreational activities for a couple to go through, and see what each likes to do, or might want to try. It's from the marriage builder's website, which has some great stuff on it. Especially for the piecing stage. Check out more of this site when you get a chance.
This could help to give you a good idea on things to start with. In fact, filling out the sheet together is an activity in itself!
Be creative. Even look for some tasks that need to be done that the two of you could do together.
Getting closer through some action-oriented activities might help "the talks" go better. Or it may even lessen the needs to have talks. It could help you both feel more "connected".
Who knows? Anyway, it's doing something different, right?!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
My h called me at work today. It was just last thursday that i set a boundary and made H promise to honor... NO R TALK on the phone while AT WORK. H called to ask what book to go get next. Exacerbation thick in his voice, sarcasm galore... defeat... I said "hey! it's okay... i'm not going anywhere, I just want to talk about these things and fix them. But it didn't fix anything. I saw the conversation getting "hairy" and knew I needed to stop it before my line got crossed. H started going on about how he has needs too... man, I kept asking over and over, can we talk later? can we not talk about this now, can we please stop???? I was really mad that he wouldn't respect my boundary and he told me that i'd just have to hang up on him if I didn't want to talk.
The boundries thing is not very good it is hard to deal with those things while at work. I know that just hanging up on him may hurt him also. Remeber this also he is feeling very insecure. All of us feel this way. I know that I can some times. I dont know when my W is joking or being serious. Anyway maybe try having something that you would like to do in mind and next time your husband wants to do something say yeah let go do this! That will probably catch him off guard and then you 2 can go and do an activity together. Thus helping him starting to believe that you arent really going anywhere and helping your get that feeling of connection back. Just my 2 cents though.
Hey Charcoal, Haven't checked your sitch out in a while but I'm glad to see you're doing relatively well and that you are still working on your M.
As far as the communication thing and the circular motion of the "what do you wanna do, I don't know what do you wanna do" type talks I can relate. This was always a problem with me and my W.
I think maybe you need to take charge here. Make a plan and stick to it. Maybe you'll go out to eat and talk about the R if he's open to talking about the R. Then when you do go be armed with topics. You be the one to take the lead in the conversation.
Reread the part in DR about how when one person acts, the other reacts, and so on in a circular fashion. You two are communicating in that way, you need to change the way you're communicating and see how he reacts differently. Be the one to initiate the change. It's results you want, so do what you can to get them. Never mind the frustration that he isn't being more decisive.
Anyways, this is advice I'd love to be in the position to give myself now..advice I should've took long ago but I digress.
Feel free to check out how my sitch has been developing the past couple weeks. I sure could use as much of a woman's point of view on my W's current state of mind as possible. Keep up the good work here.
A dream it's true
But I'd see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you
-Band:Phish Song:Waste
Quoting grislen: The boundries thing is not very good it is hard to deal with those things while at work.
not sure i understand, grislen... are you saying it's okay for h to call me at work to discuss the R? maybe i should get a job at taco bell, maybe then I'll be safe? just cuz i sit at a desk with a phone on it doesn't mean my bosses intend for me to be on it. it's not just, like, R talk ~ it's "YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE ME. I TRY AND I TRY AND I TRY AND YOU CAN'T EVEN...." so, i'm left all bleary eyed, people walking in my office while i'm all red in the face... it's torture.
no, wait... i understand... you're saying my boundaries are a good thing, and that i have a right to stand behind them, you are saying that, right?
I know that just hanging up on him may hurt him also. Remeber this also he is feeling very insecure. All of us feel this way.
I know that and I totally try to respect that. I don't want to hang up on him, but it's not fair cuz he's talking in privacy and I don't know who'll be walking in next. So... he gets to say anything he wants and the whole time, i'm running... "i can't talk right now, I can't talk... can we please not talk about this right now??? i'll say it again, it's torture.
I did not hang up on him today. I asked to end the coversation at least five times, finally, i said... i AM ending this conversation... goodbye.... so, yeah, in one sense it's me hanging up the phone because H didn't want to end the convo... but in another sense it's complete and total disregard not just for me... we can "tit for tat" all day long... but for my ability to make a decent living and to provide my 50% for our family... it's horsecrap... i don't call him unless it's an emergency... per his instruction...
Anyway maybe try having something that you would like to do in mind and next time your husband wants to do something say yeah let go do this! That will probably catch him off guard and then you 2 can go and do an activity together. Thus helping him starting to believe that you arent really going anywhere and helping your get that feeling of connection back. Just my 2 cents though.
that's good advice, and i'm not naysaying here, but we do have two youngun's and well... i'm sure you know... i know it's important to spend time together... right now, of course i'm feeling all icky and charcoaly again. i know it'll pass, but sheesh!!!
i'm exhausted...
this evening was no better than today, ended with H peeling rubber, honking the horn, screaming F*&^!!!. I don't give a cent what y'all say... H acting like that is HIS FAULT... you don't see me doing that.... I can try to understand, but how the heck does a W connect to that?
I agree with you he should not have crossed those boundries. I didnt type it very clearly. As far as getting that connection I do know this you have to do things together. Maybe think of little things that you can also do with the Kids. Go for a walk while pulling them in a wagon or somthing like that.
I do know its tough, this is the toughest thing I have ever had to face in my life. I feel for you and everyone here.
Quote: this evening was no better than today, ended with H peeling rubber, honking the horn, screaming F*&^!!!. I don't give a cent what y'all say... H acting like that is HIS FAULT... you don't see me doing that.... I can try to understand, but how the heck does a W connect to that?
That stuff is hard to deal with. I think this is what unconditional love is all about. We see them do stupid things and still love them. I know that you already know this but its a rollercoaster ups downs the whole gambit. You just need to have patience.
I hope I didn't offend you with my last post because that was not intended.
Hang in there gurl. That kind of behaviour is very difficult to deal with. But you can deal with it. The way to deal with it is to get solution oriented and really look at things closely.
What were the things that happened immediately before this latest outbreak. What were the exact interactions between you and Mat? Think about what this incident has in common with previous incidents of this type. Try to isolate some common theme or set of situation cues.
Once you've done that then you can start making some decisions about what to change on your end. Don't try to be efficient. Just change something. Monitor the results of the change. Basic DB'ing.
Sounds like you need to share with Mat one of the precepts of DB'ing (and also something our C told us) No R Talks . Our C put it to us this way: When you plant a tree do you go back every week and pull it up by the roots to see how it's growing? This really makes sense, especially when you think back to most of the R talks you've had; if you are like most couples these talks focus on what is wrong with the R. Remember, what you focus on becomes larger.
Take care of Char. Get some rest. Do something fun, either by yourself or with H. You can do this.
Peace Out
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