What Now

[grdn24grl]

I was just going over some things in my head and would like some opinions on it.
The last couple of times that H and I spoke about our sitch, he said "who knows, you and I just may end up hooking up again." Last night he said that he and I would probably make the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend, just not the M word.
What do you think he means by this and what is the point? I don't understand, maybe someone out there can help me clarify this on my own. I would greatly appreciate any opinions.

[tmi]

I'm not sure about the term 'midlife' crisis, because I'm not so sure that the actual timing of it is the issue, but I'm convinced that there is something identifiable, something with a recognizable pattern, happening to people who are in the midlife crisis category on this board.

Whatever is going on their heads is not any fun. My H said at one point that 'everyday is torment' and I think in a lot of ways it still is for him. There don't need to be two of you trying to make sense of it - if you can, try not to analyze what he says. Something I've heard often lately is to not believe most of what they say and only about half of what they do.

If you're not going to believe it, you might as well not think about it, right?

Practice thought stopping - find something to shift to when you notice yourself trying to figure him out. I use the red hand on the 'don't walk' sign. If I find myself stuck in a certain thought pattern that is causing me distress, I picture the hand in my mind and tell myself to stop, then force myself to think about something else, something positive. The more I do it, the easier it gets and I feel much better than I did when my days were spent dwelling on my H and I miserable I was.

[ann25]

HI GG -

It's been a while since I've posted to you, but I've been reading and I've only got a couple things...

Don't kick yourself for backsliding. Without falling down, picking yourself back up wouldn't feel quite a good!

The 48 hour rule is a good one. Not entirely practicle in a situation for tonight, but a good rule just the same. I wish i could post half of what i say to my H before i say it, but we are face to face and that probably wouldn't go over real well,

Just because he is filing (or says he is) doesn't mean anything is over. Do you want to be married? Are you willing to fight for it? Until the answer to those questions is NO, it's not over. Give him space. Give him more space than he knows what to do with. It's like you guys are playing a game of tag and you are it. You keep chasing him around, then you stop, so he stops running and then you step towards him again and off he goes. he's going to keep running from you until he's ready to stop. Who knows, maybe if you stop long enough and even walk away, he may even turn around and find out what happened.

As to why he may think you'd make a good GF/BF later on, but not M. Maybe a MLC for someone younger? I think i heard someone else call it a transitional life crisis. Give him all the room in the world to find himself. Who knows, he may just find a man that really does want a W and a family.

Anyways... hang in there. Have a blast tonight and be happy. Here's to a happy New year to everyone here...

[grdn24grl]

More than anything! I married him for a reason (actually several - it never is only one), I took/take my vows to heart. I will fight for this until my dying breath. Ann, thank you so much for your insight. You are so right about everything.
He did call before I left to go to my friend's party, to wish me Happy New Year, cause he thought he'd either be too drunk or asleep to call me. I admit I wasn't expecting any contact from him. Well I just stopped by my apartment to walk my dog and make sure she was ok. I'm off to meet another group of friends. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

[grdn24grl]

H called me at 12:30 to say good morning and to wish me Happy New Year - I didn't answer the phone he left it on voice mail. Then H called again (I didn't answer) and left me a message saying we can get together Tursday or Friday to talk. I don't know what to do.

[tmi]

Perhaps arrange to meet somewhere where you can easily leave and plan to do so if you find yourself getting upset - my DB coach suggested saying, 'you've given me lots to think about, we'll talk again' and heading out the door.

[ann25]

Good job not answering the phone. It's good for him to get your message.

I think that's a great idea that ingrid had. either that or maybe you can have something to do at a certain time. tell him you have about 30 min to talk and meet him. Then you can talk, it'll be on a time limit so you don't have to find a way out of the conversation when you are done. Just tell him i have to leave at 12:30 (or whatever) so let's talk. kinda thing.

Hope you had a great night on NYE.

[grdn24grl]

I think I'll let him call me back. And I will be the one to say where and when. I like the idea of a time limit, say we can meet but I have to be someplace at x-time (even if I don't have plans). But I don't want him to think I'm avoiding going over things (even though I am).

[ann25]

Good for you. He wants to meet, let him call you. You keep controlling what you can. That's how you'll get through all this.

I like the idea of a time limit too, heard if from another post, i think NikB. It will probably help keep the conversation on topic too rather than drifting off to someplace that wouldn't be good for you.

[grdn24grl]

ann, the time limit thing was in your post to me, thanks.
I just hope that he won't get angry and think I'm avoiding the subject, since he began the discussion Sunday night, and I haven't really spoken to him since. I just don't know what I could say to him right now. I know you all say this is a time to vaildate his feelings, I just don't know how to answer him if he asks me what I want or anything for that matter. Anyway, not gonna dwell, can't do anything til we meet anyway. Playing scenarios in my head won't work/help either. Just have to remember to think before I speak/react. Thanks for putting up with my whining lately, sorry.