I've been feeling *disconnected*. I mean, I've felt that way for a long time and I want it to stop. I want to feel connected to my H. So, I ask myself...
"what will H be doing that will allow me to feel connected"
and, what I come up with, is that when I bring up R talk, like "hey, honey, I'm not feeling too connected right now. I feel like, for a lot of our R we've not been connected. I've been evading your control."
H would say, "I can totally see how you feel that way, I've definitely felt that way before and I know how important it is to you to feel connected. What can I do about that?"
And, if I really think about the way H responded this morning, it was something to that effect. Except I had to ask for validation, which makes the validation feel forced or not real, and it made me cry. Anyway, H said "what can I do about that?"
And I said, "maybe we can set some time apart every other day or so to work through some of these books that we have, maybe talk about our R."
And H replied, "I've been trying to get you to do something with me everyday. Everyday I ask you if you want to do something special, or if you want to go out. I guess I'll just keep asking and wait for you to decide something."
(so, I got blamed...)
But, when H asks if I want to do something, I ask him what he means, if he has anything in mind, and he says, "no".
it's like: "i dunno, what do you wanna do" "i dunno, what do YOU wanna do"
But, I don't want to DO anything, as I define "DO". We sit in the same room and don't have anything to talk about. We ask each other "how ARE you?" five times a day, I think each of us trying to spark some conversation between us.
Oh, and I can't bring up any discontent without H thinking I want to leave. And it's a total pain in the @$$. So what if I'm discontented? The thing is I want to "FEEL IT". I want to feel my own love.
Matt says he's perfectly content with me, and it hurts him that I am not perfectly content with him. So, i'm hurting him again. So, I have to shut my mouth cuz ignorance is better than pain? Sorry, I know... pity party... look out...
K, so, I guess what I need to know is about R talks, AND dealing with resentment. I can't just "let it go", is there some active way to purge resentment? And, R talks... how do I get myself heard! Why do I feel like I'm doing this all by myself?
