Firstly thank you so much for your compliment on my writing. I've always harboured a secret ambition to write, and one of my first resolutions for 2008 was I'm just going to get up and get stuck in. Therefore I posted to this website, and today I nosed around a bookshop to look at bestseller lists and try to get a feel for what people are reading.
Funnily my W (everytime I say that I do a double-take...does she deserve to be called my W when she isn't behaving as one...but then we aren't divorced and so she can't be my ex-W...in the past this would have prompted a mini-space trip for me...I would have detached from the reality around me and started thinking about the great W she was etc...now I state this for the benefit of the readers of this forum, and just move on) used to say I was a great writer but was too lazy to write. Well guess what this dude has turned in 2008. I'm not going to write for her, but I'm going to write for myself. Perhaps this little example is an illustration of GALling and in the process getting the WAS to notice.
My sister once told me that my W is a runner. She'll just keep running so she doesn't need to stop and do some painful inner reflection and analysis. Running both physically and emotionally (she goes out late a lot, and is closed to me and all her family) must be tiring and my sister predicted one day she would simply collapse out of sheer exhaustion. I don't want this to happen, but can definitely see the signs. She goes out to bars and clubs, and then complains you don't meet "nice people" at these places. I told her Mr Prince Perfect with the body of a Greek God, the mind of a Nobel Laureate and a soul of the Dalai Lama won't be hanging around the cheaper parts of town waiting to pick up damaged goods. Ok I didn't quite say those words because the sarcasm would have definitely led to conflict, but I did point out that decent family people are usually found in more boring places.
Therefore is a part of me simply steeling myself to wait for her burnout? I think the picture of a "siege" is perfect. I need to stay alive and flourish. But boy oh boy has it been tough to watch this chaos from so close up. A part of me feels shes getting ready for another A, perhaps even with the loser kick-boxer. Oh by the way I need to add some details to this loser. He's 29, went out with a girl for 9 yrs, married her, and then had a baby girl with her. The wife ran away when the daughter was about 3 mths, and a few mths later he latched onto my W. If our WASs found perfect partners, and ran off into the Garden of Eden for a perfect life in paradise, then I'm sure we'd all applaud and ask them for road maps. Why the hell do they give up perfect human lives (stable partners, stable homes, stable kids, and the sight of a golden retirement in prospect) for losers? Above all, the LBSs are shown to be totally incredible and willing to understand, accomodate and forgive the most fundamental betrayals of humanity. Aren't the LBSs actually shown to be the Mr & Mrs Perfect that we are all seeking. Every single story on this forum seems to have this common thread.
I'm already a fitness nut, and have decided I'm going to increase my activity by learning to play tennis and golf. I'd love to do some martial arts, but it would just remind me of the loser, and I might take up fencing like my hero Churchill. In addition, I'm turning 40 this year, and have to follow the cliched path of getting a motorbike license and going on a road trip to find myself!
In her current state of mind, my W would probably be delighted if I got out and started dating. It would excuse her behaviour, and also get me out of her space. However in thinking this, I'm already breaking the cardinal rule, we have no f@#$king clue what's going on in their head and we shouldn't trouble ourselves. Just focus on ourselves.
jar I've briefly skimmed your story, and will read more deeply later, but it seems we have similar issues of being in love with Ws who don't care. Honestly I think we are in love with a person who existed in the past. This person vowed to love us till death do us part, she had kids with us, and she cherished us. That person is either dead or has been abducted by "aliens". We don't know which one and can't change our realities. There's a horrible selfish person in front of us, and we need to do the best we can. I read somewhere that we should treat them as a "friend in need", and not get emotionally mangled. All this is easy to say but impossible to do.
An interesting angle on this whole mess is the Mars and Venus differences. Men are solution driven...family is hungry so go get food, need money so get work etc. When our Ws go nuts we want to pester, poke and dig until we arrive at the problem. When we solve the problem everything will be magically fixed. Our Ws clam up and don't tell us anything, and that's why its such a bomb when our fairytale life is suddenly blown apart. We then stomp around in frustration, sulk and do so many other childish things because we're not getting our way. This is very unattractive to our Ws and they find losers around them who don't have any baggage and so behave impeccably. Women on the other hand (ok I know this is a minefield, and I'm going to get killed for gender generalisation and discrimination, but I'm a Brit and so political correctness isn't such a big deal...but sorry in advance ladies!) want empathy, understanding and compassion. Women love to be understood, listened to and made to feel special. They don't want solutions, and remember their Dads simply took care of everything. I suppose DB works because we guys are told (actually we should have this slammed into our heads!), there's no solution, you can't help her, and so back off, GAL, and just become a better human.
All sounds good, but man oh man I miss the warmth of my W in my bed. Its not the sex, its simply the warmth of the woman of your dreams fast asleep next to you. In some ways the caveman thinks, duh I've done good cos I've provided enough comfort and security for my woman to be peacefully asleep. I always found my W the most beautiful when she was asleep. There was no socially driven layer of make-up or clothing, just the simple beauty of nature. I'd often wake in the middle of the night and just stare at her, and be so grateful for being married to my princess. Well that's a distant dream and I'm not going to dwell on it because it will drag me down. I don't listen to love songs anymore for the same reason...too many painful memories.
By the way do any of the folk on this site get together? It would be great to meet some of you amazing people in 2008.
Here's another of my favourite quotes:
If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.
Henry David Thoreau
Take care of yourselves because your WASs sure ain't!
