Take it with a grain of salt. H is just getting frustrated at how things have been going. It happens. Its going to be up to you to make your time together enjoyable now. Dont let his frustrations get you down. They are only frustrations.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
Mat was dealing with a "deadline" to "get better". See, sometime ago I'd agreed to give it six months to see what happened between us. So, Mat's been thinking the whole time... "Oh, she's gonna D me in 6 months no matter what I do."
So, yesterday I said, "forget about the deadline, okay? I mean, *I'M* going to forget about the deadline."
So, hopefully, that'll take some pressure off.
I'm also trying to follow y'all's advice and let him know I care about him and that I care about our M.
I've been reading in "After the Affair" about forgiveness. I thought this quote was great:
"You may never forgive your partner for falling short of your expectations, and that's normal, too. Forgiveness, like mature love, allows for the simultaneous consideration of conflicting feelings, the integration of hate and love. When you forgive, positive feelings don't replace negative feelings; they coexist with them. Your resentment remains, but balanced against the realization that your spouse wasn't so imperfect, your OP so perfect, - nor were you so innocent."
Charcoal -- Sounds to me like you and h are really getting through to each other...I ASSume H told you that he'd been working w/the deadline? Good stuff on his part. and your response (forgetting about the deadline) must have blown his mind.
I'm really psyched for you guys. Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
i'm sure Mat told me, but I'm really DEAF (and DUMB) sometimes..., and i was still running on alot of fear that maybe he was just trying to get his way, or just trying to control me...
the C told me in individual session last night
it's funny, well, not really, but I get really frustrated when Mat thinks I've got all these grand, fabricated schemes to my benefit...
and then i go do the same thing by thinking he's got all these conscious "schemes"
I am soo glad to see you changeing your thinking day by day. In a weird, off the beaten track sort of way, it almost appears that you are "enjoying" (for lack of a better term) the efforts you and Mat are starting to place in your marriage. Even on your own behalf, you seem to be finding yourself again.
I am very happy for you and wish you the best of luck.
As well, thanks for posting to my thread the other day.
Charcoal, I'm am tickled to see that things are starting to get better for you and your h. Sometimes starting over will provide you w/pleasant surprises, i.e., learning about the other spouse all over again. You'll be pleasantly surprised at the changes you both have made and how much more mature and fulfilling your marriage will be. I'm really happy for you. You've come a long way, despite everything. Wishing you all of the best!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I've been feeling *disconnected*. I mean, I've felt that way for a long time and I want it to stop. I want to feel connected to my H. So, I ask myself...
"what will H be doing that will allow me to feel connected"
and, what I come up with, is that when I bring up R talk, like "hey, honey, I'm not feeling too connected right now. I feel like, for a lot of our R we've not been connected. I've been evading your control."
H would say, "I can totally see how you feel that way, I've definitely felt that way before and I know how important it is to you to feel connected. What can I do about that?"
And, if I really think about the way H responded this morning, it was something to that effect. Except I had to ask for validation, which makes the validation feel forced or not real, and it made me cry. Anyway, H said "what can I do about that?"
And I said, "maybe we can set some time apart every other day or so to work through some of these books that we have, maybe talk about our R."
And H replied, "I've been trying to get you to do something with me everyday. Everyday I ask you if you want to do something special, or if you want to go out. I guess I'll just keep asking and wait for you to decide something."
(so, I got blamed...)
But, when H asks if I want to do something, I ask him what he means, if he has anything in mind, and he says, "no".
it's like: "i dunno, what do you wanna do" "i dunno, what do YOU wanna do"
But, I don't want to DO anything, as I define "DO". We sit in the same room and don't have anything to talk about. We ask each other "how ARE you?" five times a day, I think each of us trying to spark some conversation between us.
Oh, and I can't bring up any discontent without H thinking I want to leave. And it's a total pain in the @$$. So what if I'm discontented? The thing is I want to "FEEL IT". I want to feel my own love.
Matt says he's perfectly content with me, and it hurts him that I am not perfectly content with him. So, i'm hurting him again. So, I have to shut my mouth cuz ignorance is better than pain? Sorry, I know... pity party... look out...
K, so, I guess what I need to know is about R talks, AND dealing with resentment. I can't just "let it go", is there some active way to purge resentment? And, R talks... how do I get myself heard! Why do I feel like I'm doing this all by myself?
