1st post- he left- came back- & just left again

[Tipper]

Breton39 & palgal,
Yes, I agree with him being like "half-baked", he seemed to really want to come back to me last summer, but then once we got on with life, he felt the confusion/pressures of M, and ran again to go "simmer down" or something. The second bomb hurt so much and was such a surprise, that I cried for 2 days straight and could'nt help it, even though I know it's a no-no. Then the next two days he was still looking for an apartment & living with me and I completely got strength and stopped crying. At that time, I almost felt like it was a relief that he would be moving out, and then he was the one that started to look teary eyed at times.

My H and I have the same very close group of friends that have lasted and evolved since 13 yrs ago in H.S.. There are about 30 of us that do vacations/holidays/hobbies and just hang out all the time. He has gotten in so many fights with these friends over the last 3 yrs. That they all don't feel comfortable around him anymore, but they all still want to hang with me. SO I do everything now with that group of friends, and he can't even bother to say hi to most of them. I may be very sad/depressed to lose him, but I have an exceptionally great life & friends. I Went out to bar on new years, and had about 5 different single males all over me. So many of them were saying "his loss, our gain" and macking it to me. I had a good time and it helps my self esteem, as I do not have far to fall.

I don't know about the "SHock and Awe thing", as I feel he would know it is an act. However, I am prepared to act as if everything is fine, and blatently let him know that I am letting him go as I do not need to go through his confusion. I want him to get the point that I must move on and my life can/will be better with out him. This would be a 180 for me since I have always said to him that I want him to work on our relationship, and that I dont want our M to end. Now I need to act like I am totally fine with finding a better life/relationship with out any of his shananigans. I just wont kiss him for the shock-it would be too much.
On a scale of 1-10, 10 being done: I feel like i am somewhere around a 7 or 8. And it blows me away that I feel like this now. Last summer when he left, I was devastated and was still at like a 1-2 even with his crazy behaviors. Now I feel like I have no other choice than to feel like he is never going to be the man I deserve.Thanks for listening!!!
Tipper

[LisaLost]

Tipper,

Just wanted to chime in that my H left and came home 4 times!!! I keep taking him back b/c of the kids and finances- I have been a stay at home mom but I do have an education etc... but we have 5 kids- Anyway- read my signature line it will fill you in on my basic come and go of my H.

If you have any questions, just ask

Love,Lisa

[kissak]

I think my H has come and gone around 8 times now in the past year. I have really lost count, but only half of those times did he actually move all the way back in. I kept taking him back because I trully wanted to believe him.

It is hard, but each time he leaves, I am able to handle it better, knowing I tried.

His last time out was just a week ago. I am doing ok, but I wish I hadnt taken him back after time #2. He was never ready or over the OW.

Be careful if he comes back again.....Guard your heart well.

[Tipper]

Lisalost & Kissak,
I feel so bad for both of you and all of us here on the boards. It is so scarey to me right now. Everyone keeps telling me he is just going to come back again and walk all over me & that they all don't want me to take him back. No one likes him at all anymore other than myself. Everyone is saying I don't deserve this and that I should just move on and forget about him. At first when he left this second time, I cried, then i acted as if,then it felt like a relief for a few days, then I started to get really angry and mad at him, then I just cried a lot and have been coming here ever since. I am sad and mad all at the same time and I really don't know how to feel right now. I am so torn.
I feel like I need some concrete advise about how to approach him or talk to him the next time I see him so that I don't blow it for good. I feel like I have allready made a mistake by not really giving him the time of day when we were at the same bar last saturday. I was also kind of under the influence and a bit emotional and when I left I foolishly flipped him off in the parking lot. I hope he didn't see me, it was dark, but afterwards he text me "R U Mad @ me", and I just said "I m not mad, I am simply letting U go". I have not heard from him since. No happy new years text, and not even a consideration about our dog (her 2nd b-day is today). I don't know if I pissed him off now. I read that I should stop going down cheeseless tunnels, But i don't really know how to apply it to my situation. I do believe that he may again return some day. How do you stop that cycling (leaving-coming home-leaving, coming home, ect...) I have not given up all hope, but I am realising that I need him to change drastically in order to take him back and feel good about it.
In retrospect, I should have known that when he came back to me the 1st time that he was still so in this crisis/replay. There were so many signs that I just ignored and thought would get better over time. They only got worse, and as soon as there was a confrontation about it, he up and leaves again.WTF!!!!!
I am so torn, but the bottom line still exists-I really want us to be happily married for the rest of our lives as I truely do feel he is my one and only.
How did you get through the bomb dropping this many times, do you still have the feelings or desires to really want him back still?
Oh and I was wondering how you get the sinature lines on your posts as I can't figure it out. I have checked the box but nothing happens. Thanks for your support, it is so good to actually hear from someone else that has gone through the bomb drop more than just once. Peace out, Tipper

[kissak]

Hey Tipper....it isnt easy to go through this so many times. I understand though what you mean. Even this time I have people saying "you arent ever going to take him back again, are you??" People have no idea what I am going through, but they can see what I cant. You H asking you "are you mad at me"...OMG!!! How many times have I heard that from my H!!! Too many. My reply once was...Yes! yes I am mad at you! I am mad as fire what he has put me and my 2 kids through! This time however is different....he hasnt tried to make ANY contact except about the kids. Thats it. WHy, because i asked him not to. Its my 180. Is it working? Dont know. Is it helping me? Yes, to a degree. I have learned sooo much about my H this year. So much more than I ever thought. I dont think many people actually know there spouses until they go through something like this.

Yes, I still want him back. My feeling have somewhat changed for him, but I would take him back, but now only after he fixes himself and he is far from it.

Not sure what you are doing wrong in you sig line....I go to my account and at the bottom there is a place to put it there. I will check again though.

Take care Tipper....You can do this.....

I need to take my own advice....even after 8 times, I still have moments of laying on the bathroom floor crying saying "i cant do this anymore"....fact is, I am.

Im still standing.

[Tipper]

Thanks Kissak, You have made me feel much better. I hear what you are saying about the bathroom floor thing. However, I do feel a bit stonger this time and a wee bit less emotional, but it still hits me hard and heavy. I think you are very wise this time to tell him that you don't want any contact, good job on that 180. It must scare you to death to have said it, but I think that you are making a stand and you know you are ready to do it just for your own sense of well-being, good for you!!! I felt the need this time to handle things a bit different also(I let him know I was letting him go, and last time I just validated everything he said), i hope our 180's both work for each of us. Allready, we have both noticed that they are not contacting us for much of anything. Maybe, just maybe they are thinking/pondering things over as they see our attitudes/actions change a bit. I guess we will have to wait and see. I was so happy to hear that you still would take him back if he changed, as I feel the same way (obviously, cuz i am still here on the boards). I was getting a little afraid that I was getting too hurt to really ever want him back, but there is something inside of me that still craves to be happy with him. I guess I (and you) probably have to block out what others say, as they could never understand with out having gone through it. Its just really hard cuz their is like 50 people that feel that strongly about it that they are even talking about it with out me in the conversation- and saying loudly enough though, so I can hear their conversations saying "I need to drop him and get mad finally". Where would that anger take me, I just dont think it would be a healthy way to deal with a Marriage. Or am I just a wimp?Thanks, Tipper

[kissak]

Tipper I think it is tooo easy to just be MAD and drop him. I found it much harder and yet more satisfying to be nice and friendly to him. After all he is just a human being with feelings as I am.

I think what has helped me alot is having a friend who has gone through this, only she was the walk away. I see his side in a way through her and she gets to see the pain in me that she caused her H. We are helping each other be more understanding of things. Although her reasons for leaving her spouse were different than my H's, it still helps to see her side.

Yes, we do have to block out what other say and I do believe that we all want our marriages to work. I think someone told me once that it is more the idea of our old marriage though. Do we want that? That is what we are remembering. I think if my H ever comes back, it would never be the same. Hopefully better, but the hurt would still be there no matter what. Is what we want OUR husband? Or do we not just want him to be happy with anyone else. I guess we are being selfish ourselves then.

Just know that God has a much better thing instore for us, maybe with our H's or someone else. Whatever his will, it will be better. God sees all that we are doing to keep what we promised to him. Our marriages.

I dread this weekend. My kids will be with their dad. I know he will take them around the OW. Even though he knows I dont like it. Can you see why??? 8 times already, come on! I am trying to prepare myself.

I caught myself tonight, trying to act as if he were dead. Isnt that awful? To want to think that someone you love and have been with everyday for 15 years....is dead.

Anyway.....how are you doing this evening??

[LisaLost]

I really need to repsond to you- I feel a pull towards your sitch- I just need to think out what I want/ need to say

Keep your faith and hope alive

Love,Lisa

[LisaLost]

I really need to repsond to you- I feel a pull towards your sitch- I just need to think out what I want/ need to say

Keep your faith and hope alive

Love,Lisa

[LisaLost]

I really need to repsond to you- I feel a pull towards your sitch- I just need to think out what I want/ need to say

Keep your faith and hope alive

Love,Lisa