A theme that I'm pulling from several of the situations here that applies to me personally is "focus on making YOURSELF happy". Now, I am not entirely familiar with your sitch, Cemar, b/c folks tend to post to you and already know most of your background, so if you're not having sex at all or it is seriously strained, I realize you are so starved, this is difficult to see past, but one of the most productive things I kept reminding myself of lately was the advice given to me to just focus on what makes me happy and this in turn will make H happy. It has been working.
One of the most NONPRODUCTIVE things my H used to do was depict me in a frigid/nonsexy light. Boy, if I was having issues showing my sexuality, telling me how unhappy he was with our sex life was the most detrimental thing in the world.
She has it very clear in her head that she is not measuring up to your wishes. You've probably openly discussed this, right? It makes her feel like crap, I'm guessing. She probably falls back on all the reasons she is justified in not having a great sex life with you, she's tired, you two fight too much, it's not like it was in the old days and she keeps repeating this stuff in her head making you out as the bad guy, worsening the whole situation. You are likely doing the same thing.
SHELVE your expectations if at all possible and focus on the good. See what comes of it.
Cemar, you should try posting in the NNMNG forums for better advice concerning your nice guy traits. Not that the advice here isn't good, but you'll be able to gather more information from those that have read the book and done the exercises.
One thing that has helped me tremendously is to work on myself only. If you try to improve yourself strictly for the reason to make her maybe desire you, you're doing something they call "attachment to the outcome".
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One of the most NONPRODUCTIVE things my H used to do was depict me in a frigid/nonsexy light. Boy, if I was having issues showing my sexuality, telling me how unhappy he was with our sex life was the most detrimental thing in the world.
I'm curious - what did you say to him when he said this?
Me: 52 Her: 48 2D 26 & 16 M: 25 years (together 30) EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016 Admitted SOME physical but no IC. We know that's a lie. Status - tryin to R
Well, generally when he would come right out and say things along the lines of "life is too short" or "I can tell you're not attracted to me anymore" or "I want you to be into it" or "Do you know the last time we had sex? Two weeks ago!" I would make excuses that I felt perfectly justified in making, or I would cringe inside and fume even more furiously feeling extremely unappreciated and misunderstood, sometimes I would stand up and bite back, and sometimes I tried to be as rational as I could and see that what he was telling me was out of sincere disappointment and try to see things from his point of view. It all depended on the surrounding factors.
My husband is ANYTHING but a typical "nice guy." As a matter of fact, he seems nice enough on the surface but does not like me to be too dependent on him or ask him for too much, I'm certainly not a spoiled princess and I definitely am not allowed to wear the pants. Early in our relationship, his phase of "taking me back" created in him a hate for groveling and he sometimes will say in anger, "I'm not going to kiss your azz!"
