I really wanted to get out the spat (or two) we have had the last few days, but let's just say we're both scorekeepers to some degree and the kids are kinda driving us crazy and when I got my personal time Fri night, he wanted personal time at the drop of a hat on Sat night. I tend to get super pissed off when plans change last minute and I had asked him Sat morning what he had had planned and he said nothing. (I wasn't clear enough as in, "when can I pay you back for the couple hours I had to myself last night?") Well, this pissed me off and I had rented a movie for us to watch and everything, but so be it, I said go for it, take your personal time and he did. I went ahead and made dinner and ate with the kids while he was out in the garage. The next morning, the crankiness hung around for a while, but started to subside. Last night, kids were running around like banshees and he up and said, "Mommy and Daddy are going to watch a movie in the other room, what movie do you two wanna watch?" and he got them set up so we could have some alone time. I noticed the effort and appreciated it. The movie, (Superbad), was mostly good. We definitely laughed in parts (we were old Freaks and Geeks fans.) I was offended in places, but tried to suppress the prude in me and go with the flow. I had to practically force myself on him afterwards, but did. He wanted to watch the blooper reels then go to sleep! Anyhow, we had simple but good sex and then he went to bed. Oh, before the movie we were talking about scheduling around Christmas and I told him that I had to go ahead and let the cat out of the bag about part of his present and I told him I was planning a night out for us. Another spat (small one) followed because his reaction really irritated me. Didn't crack a smile, didn't say thanks, honey, didn't even crack a leud joke about what he was gonna do to me, just seemed very business like and "what'd you have in mind," etc. After one or two exchanges like that, I said, "come on, won't that be fun, aren't you happy?" I was letting it known that his reaction was not what I was hoping for, sorry, and he said he was really stressed about the kids and work, and especially money right now and he didn't want to "waste money that we don't have on a hotel room or something." I mentally threw my hands up in the air and said, I refuse to fight about this anymore, let's just put the kids to bed. Finally, they were asleep and we finished talking and finished the movie. Showing excitement and appreciation and giving compliments must be SO uncomfortable for him. I hate that and I know our differences there cause tension. Anyhow, we sort of decided on a date, he sort of said, ok, that'll be fun and we finished the movie. Only other R talk I gave him was after sex I said, "When dd and I left for the Nutcracker, you didn't tell me I looked nice." I know this is not what he wants to hear, but I am hoping that it will help him learn what I need from him. He sighed and said, you always look nice and mumbled a rather defeated "sorry." I said you know while I work on bringing out my "hot" side, which benefits both of us, I'd love it if you could work on bringing out your "romantic" side which also benefits both of us. He agreed.
Today, he called JUST TO SAY I LOVE YOU! He didn't sound like he had a big smile on his face or anything, but just kind of a flat voice, but I didn't care, I knew he was doing it specifically to make me feel good and I appreciated it.
It is great that you are opening up more about yourself. I wonder if you can go back and read your posts in a week or two when you might have better perspective on them?
To be honest, I'm pretty sure that I'd have my stomach in a knot living with you, wondering when my next reaction would displease you, wondering how to get everything perfect all the time, fearing changes in plans, aching for some spontaneity and joy. Is H really a man you love who you want to enjoy life with as a partner? I'd wonder, were I him.
Anyway, here's my advice, FWIW:
(1) Do a 180 and stick to it. Enjoy things when they don't go your way.
(2) Seriously work on your perfectionism. Have friends over without doing ANYTHING to your house.
(3) Be positive with H and cut down on the criticism.
(4) Communicate about YOU, cut the blaming/complaining/critical stream of negativity.
Example:
--No: "When dd and I left for the Nutcracker, you didn't tell me I looked nice." vYes: Smiling --"Hey, did you think I was a hot mama when I left for the Nutcracker?" --Yes: "I felt hurt and insecure when you didn't comment on my appearance when I went to the Nutcracker."
--No: After one or two exchanges like that, I said, "come on, won't that be fun, aren't you happy?" --Yes: I feel really let down and sad because you aren't excited.
--No: He said "you're pissing me off b/c you're not listening to me!" At this point, I get his drift and my eyes kinda bug out, like OK! He thought I was trying to push him into something when I just intended for us to lie down and snuggle or kiss when he originally said no to anything more. He said he didn't understand that and I guess he was trying to "apologize" when he said, rather sarcastically in my opinion, "sorry if that was your intent, but I didn't get that." He was walking off, steaming and I said, "BOY!" Because I'm thinking what a pile of sh!t I just stepped in for no reason. --Yes: I'm so sorry you didn't feel heard. I can see why you would feel that way.
I'm sorry I have not responded sooner. I only have a minuter here, since I am busy with all things Christmas right now, but wanted to say thanks to OldTimer. What you said was not easy to hear, but I feel you really honed in on a dynamic that goes on in our house that is probably pretty difficult to pick up on without being here. It is pervasive and it is how we have begun to talk with each other. Yes, I guess I do have issues with being critical and liking things my way. Saying "that's just how I am" is sometimes just not right. Without pointing the finger, he has many issues with how he communicates with me and all I've come up with is that we both have to TRY and it is not natural for us, but when we both pay attention to how we talk to one another, how defensive we choose to be or not to be, it makes a world of difference. Right now, we have a bit of extra money and have been buying for ourselves, our kids and friends and family and have been experiencing a bit less of the "don't spend any money for the next four days" thing, which is SOOO stressful. Also, I continue to initiate and he is doing more romantic things for me. I initiated the other night and then again later that night! The second time, I focused on me ;-) and "shouted it from the rooftops" so to speak. :-D
Ok, my kids are begging me for snack and we have errands to run but wanted to say thanks I'm trying to pay better attention to how I talk and act.
Things are not perfect here, but going very well, I think. We're both *trying* and it seems if we aren't, it's evident rather quickly.
I gave him many gifts on Christmas Day, more than usual and several surprises, including telling him that I booked a room for us this Friday and took a day off work for him and arranged a babysitter. I was miffed however that out of the blue last night he asked why he didn't get the "one thing he asked for" which was for me to shave. I had asked him earlier in the month what he really wanted. We were at the dinner table and he smiled and said he couldn't say in front of the kids, but I said write it down then, b/c I really wanted to know. He drew a simple figure of a hairless female and wrote SMOOTH. (Makes me feel like I'm Chewbacca or something!). Well, I'm not against the idea, but really would prefer to have a Brazilian wax rather than do it with a razor. (ouch) I was thinking about doing it for our weekend away. SOOOO...anyhow, I acted a bit miffed and said he just needed to wait that we were having a weekend alone in the next few days and I said, are you doing romantic things for me this week? He (still somewhat jokingly) said "Yeah!" I said, "really, you ARE doing romantic things?" (b/c to me he has not done anything out of the ordinary) He said, "If you'd zip it long enough..." I said "DITTO!!"
That was the end of that conversation. We weren't mad, but both got the same point across. It's weird how we both have the same complaint from the other most of the time.
I also wanted to note that I went off my Depo-Provera shot around August I believe. I think my drive is more normal now because of it. I pointed this out to him recently and he said that he thought I was just trying and I said, well, I'm not saying I'm not, but it sure helps to have the chemistry help you along. We agreed it was probably a combo of both.
Well, it's been a very good past few days. I felt good about spoiling husband (as much as our budget allows) on Christmas morning. He got me some Gwen Stefani perfume (love it), a Red Hot Chili Peppers cd and a couple sets of body wash and lotion from Bath & Body Works. I think I already mentioned that he acted miffed that he did not get the "smooth" wife he wanted. Oh, and did I mention that he now says his request was for me to be shaved for a YEAR! I don't remember that being discussed at all. Well, I was pretty close to letting the whole thing totally piss me off, but tried to let it go and gave him his most desired gift on our night out at a hotel. On the 28th, he had the day off that I had arranged for him, we had some somewhat stressful scrambling around in preparation for company the next day, but got the kids off to the babysitter. I gave him his sexy coupon book, although it WASN'T PERFECT. It was only half finished really. I actually let him choose the 24 coupons he most wanted from a list I had on the computer. (2 for each month of the year). He didn't say a whole lot but seemed to really like it. Maybe I'll post the ones we decided on later. Finally, we headed off for the hotel. It was pretty simple really but GREAT! The hotel I had made reservations at (Hyatt Place) was contemporarily (sp??) styled and not a kid in sight. lol! I brought a new nightie, I was wearing a new bra and panties and when we got settled in the room, I gave him a sampler pack of KY, a hand held electric massager that glowed red (I bought it at Kohl's so it wasn't like something we'll have to hide), and a pack of Rock Star energy drink. He wanted to wait until later to do anything, but I suggested right away and told him to rent an adult movie he liked while I went for ice. We watched that and had great noisy sex. THen, we went out and had a nice meal. He took my coat as we sat down, which he NEVER does. Came back and watched another movie, the Heartbreak Kid, with Ben Stiller. FUNNY! We laughed so hard. Ate dessert in bed. He actually brought some pot, which he got from a friend and had had for a long time. I haven't smoked pot in years, but we sat in the bathroom and smoked it and had more good sex. Then watched another movie. It was a terrific time. I told him I wanted to make this a regular present we do for each other on birthdays/Christmas and Valentine's Day. That would cover Feb/Jun/Nov & Dec. ;-D
New Year's Eve, we went out to a family type party and had a great time. I got drunk, of course and I guess things had been going so well between us that I was just feeling very positive towards him. I rubbed him and gave him a blo#job on the way home. Then, I don't really remember much, but I know we had some more noisy hot sex. I asked him the next morning what we did and he told me. I remembered it all but it was foggy. I actually initiated one of the things he covets the most. I even asked him to do it harder and I begged him for more. So...that went well. The next day, I prodded him a bit to share what that felt like for him, emotionally. I know I was compliment fishing, but I felt that was a pretty big move for us and I knew I would benefit from some positive strokes regarding all we had done. I asked him if he was having any flashbacks to the night before and unfortunately he said no, not really. Hmph. I had let him go to a movie by himself that he had been wanting to see (Alien v. Predator 2) which I would have had zero interest in. He acted kinda dumb and said, "not during the movie." I got a bit huffy and said, no any time today. He finally caught on to what I was asking him and said that it was great. Later that night we ordered pizza and I made a joke about how I apparently don't cook anymore and he said if I keep up how I was the night before, he'd be fine if I never cooked again. We had a laugh about it and the atmosphere has been a good one.
I have several times tried to GENTLY remind him that me coming out of my shell sexually would be even easier if he would push himself to come out of his shell romantically. He says he is trying, but I think his idea of being romantic is simply wearing cologne. That and trying to get along is all I have noticed. Maybe he is attempting to be more loving and communicative, but no grand gestures as of yet.
He mentioned that he has another counseling appt Monday. He is just content going alone now, so I guess that's fine. He doesn't mention the past anymore, which I am VERY thankful for.
Hope everyone out there is doing well! Red, glad you and hubby are doing great too!!
Just one more thing I wanted to say. I *DO* read other threads, but don't comment often, because I don't feel I have much to offer in the way of advice. Generally, it's just that I am empathetic towards all the varying situations on here and want to show my support and often just say "ditto" to all of the other advice being given. I realize my thread is more "play-by-play" of what's going on in my life and less philosophical/analytical, but it doesn't mean I'm not interested in what is being said in other threads. I love hearing everyone's points of view and commentary.
What a cool community this is. Thanks, everyone! :-D
Sounds like things are improving, well done. Now, keep up the focus on YOU and YOU having great sex. I bet H is definitely enjoying that.
"I have several times tried to GENTLY remind him that me coming out of my shell sexually would be even easier if he would push himself to come out of his shell romantically. He says he is trying, but I think his idea of being romantic is simply wearing cologne. That and trying to get along is all I have noticed. Maybe he is attempting to be more loving and communicative, but no grand gestures as of yet."
The "several times" cancels the "GENTLY."
Cut the negativity and pointing out what he isn't doing. Criminy. Your tone is energy/romance sapping...
Try this instead. Tell him how hot it makes you any time he does something romantic. If he wears cologne, say, "Yum that makes me want to eat you up. It reminds me of when you showed up with cologne and flowers to take me out to romance with with dinner and wine. That made me so horny I had to cross my legs and pulse them together before the first course was over to keep from going crazy."
Focus on the positives. Let him see that giving you what you want gets him what he wants.
With respect to the smooth business... How about asking H to shave you in a bubble bath with wine and candles? and/or tell him anytime he wants you smooth, he just needs to take you to an appropriate salon and tell them exactly what he wants to see?
Ouch, that was kind of harsh, but ok, I expected more cheers than jeers, since I feel like I'm being quite giving, can't I ask for a little reciprocal giving? But, I think you're right I do have a way about me that can come across very aggressive and negative.
Thanks for the input, Oldtimer. I really appreciate it.
We are mostly sick around here right now, so actually nothing has happened since NYE, but I'll see if we can put an end to that this evening.
On the 28th, he had the day off that I had arranged for him, we had some somewhat stressful scrambling around in preparation for company the next day, but got the kids off to the babysitter. I gave him his sexy coupon book, although it WASN'T PERFECT. It was only half finished really. I actually let him choose the 24 coupons he most wanted from a list I had on the computer. (2 for each month of the year). He didn't say a whole lot but seemed to really like it. Maybe I'll post the ones we decided on later. Finally, we headed off for the hotel. It was pretty simple really but GREAT! The hotel I had made reservations at (Hyatt Place) was contemporarily (sp??) styled and not a kid in sight. lol! I brought a new nightie, I was wearing a new bra and panties and when we got settled in the room, I gave him a sampler pack of KY, a hand held electric massager that glowed red (I bought it at Kohl's so it wasn't like something we'll have to hide), and a pack of Rock Star energy drink. 
He wanted to wait until later to do anything, but I suggested right away and told him to rent an adult movie he liked while I went for ice. We watched that and had great noisy sex. THen, we went out and had a nice meal. He took my coat as we sat down, which he NEVER does. Came back and watched another movie, the Heartbreak Kid, with Ben Stiller. FUNNY! We laughed so hard. Ate dessert in bed. He actually brought some pot, which he got from a friend and had had for a long time. I haven't smoked pot in years, but we sat in the bathroom and smoked it and had more good sex. Then watched another movie. It was a terrific time. I told him I wanted to make this a regular present we do for each other on birthdays/Christmas and Valentine's Day. That would cover Feb/Jun/Nov & Dec. ;-D