Wife in Major MLC...Looking to Vent

[bombardier50]

Bworl, how you've been able to hold up through your sitch without completely self-destructing is, to me, simply amazing. I've got a lot to learn from ya.

The selfishness, to me, is just one of the things that baffles me to no end. All I hear is "It's time for me" and "I have a right to be happy", blah, blah, blah. No consideration for anyone else, it's all about her. The transformation is just remarkable.

Sleeper, hear you loud and clear. In weeks past, I would cry in my pillow morning and night. I don't do that so much anymore. I've kinda gone numb, and I'm starting to become better at the whole detachment approach. Workin' on it...anyway.

As I'm sure you've all heard a million times before, my S used to be loving, caring, passionate. Half the time couldn't keep her hands off me. I was in heaven...20+ years. Now, haven't even got so much as a hug in months. Hurts like hell...

[Gman3388]

Bombardier,
I'm sorry your here but you found a good place.
I would imagine you bought the book.
GAL and PMA are the best things I can say right now.
Also IMO Id ask the MC right away "are you Pro marriage or Pro Divorce." Its your money Bro.
As for getting your own account, again IMO good idea.
You need a safety net.
Just show her a "place of peace" and be patient.
Its a Hell of a Roller coaster ride Keep your wits and say your prayers in the tough times. You'll make it.

[trytoohard]

Hey Bomb, sorry about the difficulties you are having.

Sounds like your wife is having a "I'm fifty, kids grown and gone, my life should now be moving toward senior citizens discounts and frequent physician check-ups and I don't feel old at all. Who's this old guy I'm married too? I feel old with him which makes me unhappy so he is the reason I am unhappy, time to trade-in for a newer model."

Your wife will find out pretty quick that she is exactly that, a middle-aged woman looking to reclaim her youth. Even if rich, married best friend makes her feel good right now, it won't last. If he's that rich, he doesn't need to waste time with a 50 year old woman, there are plenty of 20 something gorgeous women who would be interested (in his money).

Work on you. Reality will never fall out from underneath you, only illusions will. When her illusions (delusions) of youth fall out from underneath her, she will naturally look to you and if you are healthy, happy and whole, she will try to get back in your good graces. Problem is, alot of LBS's have detached so well and move so far on that it is too late for the WAS.

Work on you, your health and vitality. The things that energize and revitalize you and help you to feel great. Get the book "The Dark Side of The Light Chasers" by Debra Ford. Fantastic book with lots of insight into how people project their issues onto others and how we can avoid the same.

Take care bomb.

Call the credit card companies and tell them that the cards were stolen/lost. They will stop all activity on the current cards and re-issue new ones with different numbers. You can decide to share them or not (NOT!!!).

Go to the post office and divert all your mail to a post-office box so she can't get her hands on the new cards or any other correspondance. If you are the primary on all the bills, this will keep her in the dark about everthing.

If you have direct deposit into a joint account, stop it and divert it to an account in your name only. If you have automatic drafts from that joint account, transfer only the amount to cover the draft if needed or change the draft to your account only.

Take care of yourself!

p.s. I am female in my forties, H had a similar MLC as your wife but is now almost back home full time and committed to our relationship.

[bombardier50]

Try Too Hard, I think you hit the nail on the head. I'm patiently waited for the illusions to fall away, but I think I have a ways to go. And just as you said, I wonder if I'm going to become so detached...we'll see.

She has been in the throes of her MLC for over a 18 months, although it's hard to pinpoint the real turn in her behavior. Starting about a year ago, I started to become depressed and withdrawn about our relationship, but was still grappling with the reason. I knew something was wrong...just couldn't quite wrap my head around it. Of course, the whole time she was denying there was any problem and was doing a convincing job of blaming me for everything. About three months ago I started to come out of my fog of denial. I can't tell how long the road is ahead of me...and I'm not sure I want to know.

Workin' hard on the healthy, happy, and whole thing. But I gotta ask everyone for some help here:

One of the hardest things I'm dealing with right now are those old images in my head of her and I together, making love (she was great in the sack), laughing, holding hands...those images in my head just tear me to pieces. I wish I could just make them stop, but all it takes is to watch a movie, or see another couple on the street holding hands, and I just get sick inside. I just want those pictures to stop...please...please...please...

[Smurf_SMR]

bombardier50

After 3 - 4 years at this, I thought I was pretty much detached from the situation. I have just returned from visiting family for Christmas and New Year, bought myself a new car and I was on a high!

Now reading your thread, a carbon copy of mine and lot of other peoples situation. The painful memories have come flooding back.

Just to say you are not alone here, you have had some great advice, and you seem to have a good handle on things.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and all those on this board.

[Tamashii]

At 50, the odds of a never recovery are very high

Where do you get this information?

My W spent $50K on dental implants. Consider yourself lucky...

David

[Was2sad]

bombardier50

Some of the advice you have been given may seem very blunt. It is. You won't often see us handle an apparent newcomer this way, at first. Seeing now how long you have been living with the enemy and your military history, the financial matters, you have been given some appropriately blunt information.

I would add a tactic to separating and protecting financials and valuable records. A trusted family member or very very close friend can use your fifty dollars untraceable cash to secure a bank box at their bank in their name. You don't have to disclose it on a list of personal or marital assets in a filing if it comes to that, jsyk. You can have a signature card and key, but that doesn't make it yours to disclose. What you put in their and fail to disclose as an asset, now there is the concern.

As for going to the MC. Maybe she does start unloading on everything that is wrong with you. Anything new expected there? Probably not. Let her go, cheer her on. Let her know how important it is to you to know these things because you want nothing more in life than to start over on the right foot.

The MC will reign her in if she gets totally whacked out. Here is the rub. At what point do you actually ask her if she feels it is just too little too late? MLCers depend on this declaration when they can't break you down but they want out. "Too little too late."

It is ok to fall on your sword, here, use mine too. It is ok to take the beating. If there is a chance in hell, then it is up to you to take on the troubles of the world and try to make things better. But she has to honestly be willing to let that happen. If she says you are short and you grow, is she going to say you grew too much? And yes, many MC only know what they are told.

If the MLCer says they want out, the MC knows that in most states that is all that is required for a D. They also know when someone is wanting to try, and is willing to try. Look to the MC to help flush this out of her. If she is too far gone and just wants out, you will hear this soon enough.

If that is the case, you are not losing the woman you remember in your dreams. That person could already be living on another planet with no wish to return. You have heard stories here already of the MLCer living out of control and becoming impossible to reconcile with. If that trouble comes your way, you will also learn one day how to say "Too little too late."

Their newfound world often implodes. Often it does not happen until you have been suitably destroyed beyond any expectation of personal recovery. But you do. And you look forward. You tune out the background noise of their destruction. Hang in there. Let us know how we can help. We do have kid gloves. We can discuss most of the books on self improvement. We memorized them. We can sit quietly and pray with you or mediate. These things fuel many of us these days. Or, we can share drink recipes.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Bomb,

Regardless of the advice all of which is good.

What do you want?

Not trying to be confrontational with Scooter by quoting him, just using it as an example.

The odds of a turn around in your sitch are extremely poor.

Even if the odds were 100% failure for everyone else who tried, are you the type to just accept that in regards to your wife and marriage?

Protect yourself, yes. Emotionally and financially.

But do not give up if you do not want to because of odds.

[bombardier50]

Smurf, sorry, I didn't mean to bring you down...but's it's good to know that you and everyone else are there for me. There is a lot of pain on this board, so I know I'm not alone.

For all of you who are helping me: you all seem so wise and full of grace. I know that can only come from great pain. Thank you. I have to go to work now, and I will tell you all the wacky story of last night later.

[bombardier50]

Tamashii...50K on implants!??! Why didn't she just go for a new head? My gawd...

Jack 3 Beans, I know the odds. I'm not giving up...at least not right now. We have too much shared experience and history for me to quit right now. I still feel as though MY best chance for happiness is with her.

Was2sad...appreciate the MC advice. Excellent.

Now...let me tell you what happened last night and you guys tell me if I handled it OK.

Her latest game is to go out after work for a couple of drinks and turn off her cell. I have no idea where she is or when she plans to come home. She usually doesn't stay out too late. I have not said anything to her about this...yet.

Last night my son, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter came over to visit around five-thirty pm. I invited them to stay for dinner and told them W would be home from work shortly (she was scheduled to work until five...20 minute commute).

Six o'clock. No Wife. Six-thirty. No Wife. DIL asks me what's going on. I say, "Don't know. Give her a call if you want." So DIL calls her at work. Lady at work tells her my W left promptly at five. So DIL calls wife's cell. No answer. DIL leaves message.

Now it's seven o'clock. No W. We're sitting down to eat. Now SON calls wife's cell. No answer. Leaves message. Son is verrryyy irritated.

Eight o'clock. No wife. We're doing dishes.

Eight thirty. Phone rings. Son grabs it before I can, and he is merciless.

Son: So mom, long day at work?
Wife: Yea, pretty busy day.
Son: Funny thing, lady at work said you left right at five.
Wife: Oh, well, ah, you know, sometimes it takes me a while to get everything together.
Son: So what're saying? It took you three hours to find your car?
Wife: Don't talk to me like that! I'll be home in 20 minutes.

Busted. And the best thing about it...not by me.

I did not say a word when she got home. I was my happy, cheery self. Kids left, I said goodnight. That's it.