How do I begin piecing??

[klm]

Here is a little background...I have been away from the boards for a few months:

Our problems escalated fast. H dropped the bomb and was moving in with suspected OW within the month. I was blindsighted and devastated. I truly felt like I wanted to die. My H is in the Air Force so I was very far away from family. I ended up getting a job in my hometown and moved home, which is about 1,000 miles away. This is when I was finally able to detach and try to move on. I had given up, the D was supposed to be final on Nov. 11th. H filled out some paper work wrong and it didn't go through. Neither one of us had a L...he agreed to everything I asked for just so that it would be done.

Fast forward to the day before Thanksgiving...my H called and said he was on his way home. This was very unexpected that he was even coming...and even more unexpected that he would let me know. He sounded like himself...not the alien he had become and that I had grown accustomed to. We met for dinner that night and he told me how horrible he felt and that he had made a huge mistake. He said he had ruined the only thing that was right in his life. I believed at the time he was having a MLC, but the timeline doesn't seem quite right if he is already seeing the light. T thought he may have PTSD as he was in Iraq for seven months and had the symptoms. Also, he is now out of the AF and doesn't have a clue what he wants to do with his life.

He told me he wanted to work on things and would not proceed with the D, but he understood if I never wanted to see him again becuase of the way he handled things. I told him if we were going to work on it I would want him to move here and for us to go to counseling and take things SLOW. I told him I want him to be 1000% sure this is what he wants because I can't go through this again. He was only here through that weekend and then went back. I have talked to him a lot over the past few weeks...but now feel confused. I have read on here so much that it is usually the LBS decision in the end...but never believed it. I am now seeing that it is true. I love my H, but there was so much deceit and he was so cold and mean. He said things that he can never take back and that I don't know if I can get out of my mind. How do I get past this?

He came back into town last night. We went to dinner and then he stayed the night with me (first time in 5 months). We talked, but nothing about R or OW. It was nice just hanging out with him. He told me he wished that I was more comfortable around him but he understands why I am not. He asked me if I would go look for apts. with him this weekend. He also asked if I would come to his parents house for Christmas. He just called and asked if I wanted to go shopping later to help him get presents for his family (talk about last minute!).

I guess my question is...when CAN I talk about the R. I feel so scared to bring anything up. I feel like as soon as I do that he is going to go running. The way he talks to me is just like nothing ever happened. I have so many questions that I need answers to. I guess I could wait and only bring things up in counseling. Are they usually willing to talk about things? Do they offer any explanation? Should I require an explanation? Am I just supposed to forgive and forget?

I am sorry for the long post, I just never thought it would be this hard if he did change his mind. I think I thought I would just be relieved and go on with our M, no questions asked. I am seeing it doesn't work that way.

[ediemarie]

I guess my question is...when CAN I talk about the R. I feel so scared to bring anything up. I feel like as soon as I do that he is going to go running. The way he talks to me is just like nothing ever happened. I have so many questions that I need answers to. I guess I could wait and only bring things up in counseling. Are they usually willing to talk about things? Do they offer any explanation? Should I require an explanation? Am I just supposed to forgive and forget?

Hi Klm - welcome back!

In short, all of this is up to you really. You need to decide what you want. I know that can be hard. When you focus for a long time on wanting the R to work and when you are willing to do anything to get there, it is very easy to lose sight of what you may want or need. It must be exciting and confusing (at the same time) to have your H ask you to do all of this stuff with him. Do you want to? If you do, then go. If you don't because you are uncomfortable then don't go. From what I can tell, the only way that going could be detrimental is if you force an R talk, and he's not ready, or if you truly don't want to be there. I think the more time the two of you can spend together to try and reestablish your R or determine if it's possible to have a R the better off you will be.

In regard to talking about the R: I found that when my H was ready to speak about things he brought them up. It helps us if I don't bring up R talks. I had/have so many questions about OW, his feelings, etc. that I would overload him with questions/judgements, etc. It just helped us avoid unnecessary arguments if I remained patient for him to bring things up. Now, I did find that certain behavior caused him to initiate discussions with me - such as letting him know that I wasn't comfortable doing one thing or another. I know that there are so many things you want to know and you certainly deserve to have the answers to ALL of your questions. Maybe you could try writing them all down and then figuring out which ones are most pressing. Then you could address the absolute-need-to-know-right-now-questions with him to test the waters. I've found that the more time we spend together without judgements and pressure the more my H begins to open up.

I hope this helps.

[runningoutoftime]

I believe you should just focus on friendship. Don't expect anything from him at this time. Just be a great listener and good friend, and if the relationship starts growing then you might ask questions. But I'd go very very slow and take plenty of time to get there. Chances are neither you nor him are ready to go over the whole thing. But when you do get there (in 6 months or later) try to focus on important stuff like, What was it about the relationship with OW (what did he "get" out of it) that was missing in the marriage? How might the marriage fulfill these needs? Be very careful that you don't blame or end up shaming him in any way. Try to make it into something you both can learn and grow from.

[klm]

Thanks EM and ROOT!

We have actaully spent a lot of time together the past couple of days. Things have actually been comfortable. More comfortable than I ever thought possible at one time. I have not brought up R one time because I am too afraid of him freaking out if I bring it up. I guess I need to let him do it on his timeline. I still need to have patience. He is willing to go to counseling so I guess I can save my questions for that time.

I did find that as we were out some this weekend he would bring things up. I just didn't respond too much, just let him talk. He even brought up OW a little. He still swears to this day there was never a PA...not sure how to believe him on that as he was and actually still is living with her. It was/is an EA at the very least. He has never acknowledged that it was an inappropriate relationship. I don't think they are on good terms right now.

I am going to spend Christmas with his family and I am hoping it triggers good memories for him. We went apartment hunting for him this weekend and he could be moving here as soon as next week. I am not ready for us to live together yet. I still feel I need to guard my heart. I am not positive he knows what he wants yet. I guess that is just part of taking it slow and he will have to earn back my trust over time.

Does anyone ever decide that even after standing for so long they can't forgive or let go? I am not sure how he can earn my trust back other than with time and being an open book with me. I think he would have to prove to me through phone records/emails that there is no contact with OW...although then I feel like he would just get sneakier. I am just not sure how I will ever completely trust him again. Thanks for the responses.

[klm]

Well, I have spent a lot of time with H over the past couple of days. I guess for now...at least on my end...looking at it as a friendship is the way to go. I was able to detach before and I guess I need to stay that way for the time being. I found myself being very paranoid about his phone. He would get a text or a phone call and I would wonder if it was from OW. He didn't check it that much and for the most part left it in the car. I told myself not to worry about it...he chose to be with me and not her during this time.

H's family lives about 2 hours away so he has made a lot of effort to spend time with me. He driven here 3 times since Wednesday and says he is coming back on Friday. If he can find an apartment he will move here next weekend.

I just feel so strange...I mean I have a good time with him. However, it is like I am walking on eggshells around him. I feel like I could say something that would flip the switch back. I don't want us to be like that. I don't want to feel like I can't speak up about things. I guess I need to realize that I can't rush this...patience is a virtue.

[MichelleLT]

Hey. Just wanted to thank you for your posts on my thread and send you some hugs.

I've been checking in on your thread periodically. I definitely sympathize with what you are going through, I have the same doubts and fears when I think about reconciling with my H if he ends his affair.

Hang in there.

[klm]

Thanks Michelle, I had been so preoccupied with reconcilling that I didn't think about what I would do if he actually came back. A part of me was happy...and the other part was suspicious as to what he wanted. The last thing I want is to go back to that place where I was so depressed.

I had lunch with him today. He says he is going back to TX (I am now in AL) today. I wasn't aware he was going back that soon. I asked him just to stay the night and leave early in the morning since it is already so late. He said no, he just needs to get back there. Of course my first thought is OW. He said he needs to go back to get things together in case he moves back here. He was going to look at some more apartments before he left. I felt like I was right back where I started. I wanted so bad for him to stay. I left the restaurant and cried all the way back to work. I hate this. He did say that he felt in his heart that he would be back here and this is where he belongs.

Who knows what will happen...maybe I jumped the gun and I should move back to the separated forum. It was strange how I reacted. I was the one being cautious and then as soon as he started backing off...there I was pleading and crying again. I suck at DBing. Not sure what to do now since he is leaving again except work on myself.

Michelle, what I was trying to say on your thread is that I went about 2 months without talking to H and that is when he came to me. In my mind in those 2 months H and OW were having a great life....seems like he was thinking of me. The same may be true for your H.

A part of me wants to call or text OW and see if she knows that he has been with me the past week and a half. Tell her the things he has been saying to me. I didn't say I was going to I just said I WANT to. I know it wouldn't be constructive.

[klm]

Well, H called me a few minutes after my last post. He said that he put a deposit on an apt. here. He said "ok, now I am taking a risk". Before at lunch he said that he wanted to move here but he was scared to becuase he doesn't have a job...well, he is getting out of the AF so he doesn't have a job in TX either. I told him that if he wants to be here then maybe he should take a risk. ...so I guess he took a risk.

He told them that he would be moving on the 15th of January. The deposit was only to hold the apt. for 30 days. He could still back out and then he would just be out the deposit money. I am going to quit pushing. Actually I haven't been pushing until the past day or so. If he does this I want it to be becuase HE wants to...not becuase he is trying to "please" me or not hurt my feelings. ...I guess we'll see how it goes.

[MichelleLT]

I don't have any profound advice of my own, so I'm going to say what others have said to me. Only focus on the positives. They're little steps, but they are there. Have you made a list of the things your H would do if he was really reconciling with you? And remember, they have to be small signs!

If so, I bet him moving to be close to you would be a big one on the list. But he's moving in the right direction even if it is slow. I guess reconciling takes longer than you thing it should too.

But obviously most of what you were doing was working, so keep doing it and don't let yourself fall into old habits and insecurities! WAY easier said than done I know lol.

{{{{{{klm}}}}}}

[cat03]

A part of me wants to call or text OW and see if she knows that he has been with me the past week and a half. Tell her the things he has been saying to me. I didn't say I was going to I just said I WANT to. I know it wouldn't be constructive.

ummm, NO, don't do it, chances are you will get hurt and lied to. Had to say it just in case you decide to do it, ow lied to me and made things worse.

Let him move at HIS pace, dont' ask him to say the night, dont' try to solve things for him, let every decision he makes his own. I think it is a good sign he actually put some money down for an appt, that's a huge leap of faith, give him some credit for that. Trust is slow in coming when you've been hurt and I totally understand that you dont' want to be back where things were bad, that you shouldn't accept him back until you both do come counceling and talk things out.