MLC affairs vs Average Affairs

[MissH]

I had a thought this morning.

I know it is said around here that 95 percent of affairs don't last and relationships built on sand don't last. Heck, our MC even told me about the 95 percent being true.

Well it got me thinking about all the people that I know who have had an affair and I can come up with 6 on the top of my head who are still together years later and 5 of them are now married to each other.

I don't think these affairs came about with MLC, they happened for different reasons.

I am just curios if anyone thinks that MLC affairs play out different than your average affair, or are we just kidding ourselves that most affairs don't last?

[short1]

Thats hard to say. I also hear that affairs don't last. But what does that mean?

First of all, many of my friends tell me that if their spouse cheated that would be it for them. So I have to think that in many cases the WAS has no option to return as the LBS just says no way, no how. So would those affairs have ended if the LBS said okay, come back?

Then there are the affairs we never hear about. As I have been open to people about what is going on, many people have been open to me. My Mother, sister, and a friend of mine had affairs and stayed married or returned. My sister had two and is now with her H, though they are divorced..long story.

I also know people who left and married their OW and the LBS went on to remarry also. And cases where the LBS remarried and the affair ended with the WAS being left alone.

I think the point is anything can happen. Where we fit in as individuals, who knows.

[JMC]

Great question. I wonder the same thing. Off the top of my head I know of four couples where there was an affair involved. Three are married to their affair partner. I will summarize below:

One woman left her H in '92 after five yrs of marriage. They had dated since high school and married shortly after college. The H in this sitch was a nortorious playboy who had cheated on her during college and, I am sure, during their M. He was heartbroken when she left. Last I heard she was still married to the OM and they have children.

# 2 - in '04 H left his W and 3 kids after, I am guessing, a 13 yr M (they were engaged after only dating for 2-3 months). He has been married to the A partner (his former secretary) for 2+ years (she was 10 yrs older, and I guess they will not have any children).

# 3 left her H after 5 yr marriage (she was 21 when they married and again it was a relatively quick engagement). She has been with the affair partner for roughly 6-7 years (married 3 years). They are trying to have children.

# 4 - W cheated on H. I do not know the H in this sitch, but the W has been married to a friend of mine for 6-7 yrs. She recently openly divulged that she cheated on her first H, claiming it was a high school sweetheart who she married too young and felt that life was passing her by. She also told me that she hesitated for a long time before signing the divorce papers because she was sitting on the fence, wondering if she was indeed making the right choice. She did not marry the A partner in this case. Oddly, my friend's first M ended in divorce as well, as his then W was having an A - she did not marry her A partner.

Not sure if MLC was working in any of these (perhaps # 2).

[Lissie]

I first came here wanting to think that Javier and Susan were not going to make it.

Now I don't even feel like he is cheating on me anymore, he has been gone for 2 years.

And he is still with her, and by the looks of things, their R is getting stronger.

I have spoken to her via Email she does know the "truth" and even tho he has lied to her, she chooses to stay with him.

I don't even know after all this time that Javier is even in an MLC, he is so weird.

I think we need to believe that these OP's are a bandaid when we first get here.

Then after we have grown, and come to a better place ourselves, it really does not matter if they last or not, b/c we have moved on.

I can say her name now, I can undeerstand she will be around my kids.

Doesn't mean i like it, I just have accepted it, And it is hard, but what can you do?

I feel like he will try with Susan, way more than he tried with me, b/c he does not want another R to fail.

So be it.

I will not be waiting in the wings, for their R to finish, b/c the reality is, their R may not finish.

So if there is a difference with MLC affairs vs Average affairs, i don't know it, all I know is that they both suck, and they hurt many people.

[MidwesternGirl]

Nobody knows for sure but if they are in MLC, I think they get involved in a situation and use it as a band-aid, then when it has gone on for awhile, they come to the realization that they do not like what they have done and they do not know how to get out of it.

Yep--my H alright.

To this day, my kids have never met her, and my kids are not little!! My oldest will be 18 this year and my youngest 15!!

All I can do is to trust in God. If my H felt that this affair and OW meant the world to him, we would have been divorced 2-3 years ago but we are not, and things are getting better in very small ways.

I just have to be still...............

[a new 2moro]

MY h HAD AN AFFAIR 20 YRS AGO...WE WERE NOT m AT THE TIME...BUT IT WAS VERY QLC-ISH I DONT THINK IT PLAYED OUT ....IT WAS A YOUNGER OW, TYPICAL PONDSCUM. HIS PARENTS STOPPED IT FROM FINISHING. SO AT 50 HE HAS THE BIG ONE. MLC ALL THE WAY.....AND HE DID SAY , HE WAS IN IT BUT DIDNT KNOW HOW TO GET OUT. HE SEEMS MUCH MORE AT PEACE, EVEN THOUGH HES NOT ALL THE WAY HOME. BND SAID HE WAS TEXT-BOOK MLC. SHE PREDICTED WHEN HE WOULD BE HOME AND TOLD EVERY MOVE HE MADE WHEN I WOULD E-MAIL HER. IT WAS EARIE.....HE NOW RELATES TO HAVING HAD A CRISIS.

[Bworl]

I think we need to believe that these OP's are a bandaid when we first get here.

I think this is a big part of it. And there probably is some justification to think so, but I think there's more to it than whether or not the affair is MLC or not. I think if the affair is with someone drastically older/younger - good chance it's temporary. If the affair is with someone way below their normal circle of people - good chance it's temporary. The final affair for my ex was with an old crush from when she was 16. The guy has degrees in sociology and is a lawyer. I don't think she "affair'ed down."

Then after we have grown, and come to a better place ourselves, it really does not matter if they last or not, b/c we have moved on.

YES! This is the key!

If we allow ourselves the opportunity to BECOME during this journey, we eventually reach the point where we find we simply don't have a desire to be a part of the madness anymore. In short, we finally reach a point where we don't care.

Doesn't mean we have to give up on any possible future reconciliation, though I think that's likely as we begin to LIKE ourselves and our new lives. But it sure is nice to no longer have OUR feelings and attitudes driven by a person who no longer gives a hoot about us.

So if there is a difference with MLC affairs vs Average affairs, i don't know it, all I know is that they both suck, and they hurt many people.

And the bottom line is, why would we really want a future with someone who has the capacity to inflict so much hatred, pain, and abuse on the very people that he/she promised to love and cherish forever?

I honestly believe that while everything can eventually be forgiven, meaning we've let go of the need for justice and retribution, very little can be forgotten. At some point I realized that thoughts and mental images of all the things my ex said and did would be with me forever. That was when I knew there was no chance of going back.


Great post Lissie.

Blessings,

Bill

[BeingMe]

I don't know if there's a difference or not. I think people have A's for whatever reason .... some go on to marry their A partner, some go back home (although some can't because LBS has moved on), some go on to having several A's, cheating on their A partner, and marrying someone completely different. And then there are those who married after the D, and years later got back with their original spouses. There is a different story for every person on the planet ... some similarities but still one has to question the motives, reasons, etc.

My H is back in the M, but I still wonder how much. I know that if he had to have a PA, I would not take him back. That's where I draw the line, and I am in awe of y'all who can take back a spouse who has not only slept with another person, but sometimes lived with them. My H had an EA ... pretty awful, but I can accept it to a point. In my personal experience, I don't know anyone who has married their affair partner.

So, I guess, my opinion is that the difference between a MLC affair and an Average affair is possibly the motive/reasoning behind the start of the affair. It seems that often the MLC affair comes as a shock to the LBS who thought everything was fine at home, but maybe the Average affair starts out of the pain of a miserable M. Just a thought, and have no idea how much that is true.

Interesting question.

Ultimately, whatever affair our spouses are having, it is up to us how much we are willing to tolerate, before allowing them back, if in fact they want to come back. We are all accountable for the choices we make, whether in MLC or not.

[Was2sad]

It might be interesting to know how many of the predicted 95% were exposed. Did a large number have an A secretly, and retreat back from it before it was devastating?

I think part of the coming home or not has to do with more than the A. Some MLCers may actually convince themself that the old M was not working for them, and never will. Others may admit their A failure, and decide that it will always be the elephant in the room they just can't go back and live with.

As for the reference often made to the LBS having moved on, I don't think that is dependent on them being in another R or M. I think the LBS often decides they just can't forgive the MLCer, won't risk a repeat performance, or just deserve a better life than reconciling has to offer ... they have "moved on".

In some cases I am sure the MLCer either has to hear their own words echoed back at them "too little too late", or is simply certain that this is the unspoken reality.

[Between Tears]

Just a little food for thought....

Xh married his (what was) affair partner, they've been married over a year now. They began their relationship in either late 2001 or early 2002, the date is irrelevant now. Now that they are married, they don't live in the same state, but she does drive 1800 miles to visit him now and then, (once every other month or so) and he stays at her/their house when he comes to visit the children, or should I say now, D.... (usually around holidays).

Anyway, S, who is living with his Father at the moment, conveyed a story to me while he was here for Christmas. He told me "Jane" (Dick's wife) was visiting, she began to decorate "their" house in CA. Most of the furniture is her furniture, moved there a year ago December. She was putting knick-knacks around the house, while moving a plaque that originally belonged to Dick's Mom. According to S, all hell broke loose, and Dick went off! So much so, S ducked out and hid in his bedroom until he felt it was safe. The things S heard from his bedroom were horrible, Dick's main outbursts were to remind Jane, He and only he pays the bills, she has no right to touch anything in HIS house.

Oh ya, sure, they are married, they are together (????) and their relationship began as an affair, with all the lies and deceptions all affairs have. I wouldn't call it a healthy marriage, nor would I say it's based on love and trust. It's not equal, it's not accepting, it's completely conditional. She has given up all of her furniture, including her own children's beds, and moved it all to CA, while her home in KS has furniture she purchased from yard sales and second hand stores.

My S, who was here during Christmas break, spent only two nights with us, (Dick made sure it wasn't a minute more) made S spend the rest of the time with them, didn't receive a Christmas present for his step mother, nor did Dick give his step children a present either.... happy family???? I'd say not.

Way back when all of this started I IMAGINED their relationship having much more than our marriage ever had. Afterall, he left us, his family for this woman. The sad fact is, my imagination gave me all sorts of heartache and stress, for the reality of their relationship and now marriage is much less than I would ever stand for, would ever want. Oh, sure, they are married on paper, their marriage built on the lies, deceit, guilt, and broken hearts, of an affair. They got exactly what they put into their relationship, a marriage they may just last forever, however, I wouldn't call it healthy, nor filled with unconditional love.

Remember, what we imagine can often be far better or worse than the reality of their relationship. I've seen many affair partners trying to fit into the former wife's shoes also. They live in a life of competion, always trying to prove they are better than the wife/life they left behind, an easy way of loosing one's true self.

Really, what they have may look good on the surface, but it doesn't take a tiny scratch to see things are what they appear.

It's best not to focus on what they have, even better not to focus on what you do not have.... be grateful you have been given an opportunity to rediscover yourself and all that life has to offer.

Life is what we make it, it is also what we focus on. Allow your life to become all that it can be by focusing in on the positives in your life. One step at a time, one day at a time.

Make this a happy new year.

Laughing